General Chat

Many counsellors don't know what they are dealing with, it is such a secret form of abuse,

I just hope I am doing a bit of good by trying to make it as publicly known as possible. The more people who know it exists, the less oportunity to keep it secret.

Many counsellors don't know what they are dealing with, it is such a secret form of abuse,

I just hope I am doing a bit of good by trying to make it as publicly known as possible. The more people who know it exists, the less oportunity to keep it secret.

Many counsellors don't know what they are dealing with, it is such a secret form of abuse,

I just hope I am doing a bit of good by trying to make it as publicly known as possible. The more people who know it exists, the less oportunity to keep it secret.

Many counsellors don't know what they are dealing with, it is such a secret form of abuse,

I just hope I am doing a bit of good by trying to make it as publicly known as possible. The more people who know it exists, the less oportunity to keep it secret.

Many counsellors don't know what they are dealing with, it is such a secret form of abuse,

I just hope I am doing a bit of good by trying to make it as publicly known as possible. The more people who know it exists, the less oportunity to keep it secret.

Many counsellors don't know what they are dealing with, it is such a secret form of abuse,

I just hope I am doing a bit of good by trying to make it as publicly known as possible. The more people who know it exists, the less oportunity to keep it secret.

Many counsellors don't know what they are dealing with, it is such a secret form of abuse,

I just hope I am doing a bit of good by trying to make it as publicly known as possible. The more people who know it exists, the less oportunity to keep it secret.

I saw a counsellor just after my mother died.

She didn't help much.

Every time I started to talk about things that had happened, she interupted and starting talking about what happened to HER!

So I had to pay to listen to her. I hope I helped :-) Maybe I should have sent her a bill.

Scozz. The breakthrough for me was an internet friend actually asking me if I realised I was presenting as a typical abuse victim. She also pointed me in the direction of some things to read about like the various personality disorders. It was as though all the responsibility and all the blame was taken off my shoulders. Not one bit of it was my fault.

I will never be the person I could have been had I not lived my life in fear. I'm not the brightest star in the Galaxy but if I had been able to learn freely and to even be allowed to have my own thoughts and opinions, without fear of words from him or a beating from my sibling, maybe I could have achieved more than I have. But it went beyond that to being totally controlled and still a level of control continued right up until I walked away.

And walking away and not giving into the threats hubby and I received - the consequences if we failed to obey made me the strong one. No one before or afterwards ever stood up to him.It made him unable to control and his already paranoid hatred of me just exploded. And then, after his death my abusive sibling who had come back on the scene and played the nice kind sibling and fooled me totally, went back to her true self. She only pretended to be nice to get her hands on all the money. Nearly the last time we spoke, she made it very clear that we are nothing to her and never will be.

And the only part of that I am to blame for is my own stupidity at being taken in by her.

I've moved on as much as it is possible to. What is left to me is to work through, and come to terms with is knowing only some of the lies they told relatives and neighbours (some refuse to speak to me now), the absolute denial of the years I spent looking after them (regardless of nurses and doctors and surgery receptionists as witnesses), doing everything I could to make their lives easier, including subsidising their income. The female parent even accused me of illtreating her to my face, in the presence of my cousins. In fact my sibling now also denies that she stayed away and let me do it all. According to her, she was exhausted after spending years looking after them

Some days, when I'm off-guard the feeling of total betrayal sneaks up on me. It's hard to deal with because I will never understand how I deserved to be treated that way.

I am so lucky to have hubby. Without him and his love and strength and the happy life we have together, I would probably drown emotionally. Every day I tell my kids how much I love them. I can't imagine ever doing to them what was done to me <3.

I am proof that all this cr*p can happen and you can survive and be happy.

J

Gentle hugs to Jillian, Val, Sharon,and for anyone who needs them,to soothe away the hurt and pain that you all have suffered.

Take care,stay strong,

Margot.xx <3 <3 <3 <3

scary stuff. I think those who had a "normal" childhood are in the minority.

I grew up thinking I was ugly, because I was told it often enough. I'm no Miss Universe, but I'm not that scary looking. OH thinks I'm gorgeous, and that's what counts <3

When you realise what happend to you as a child was NOT your fault, that's the day you start to let go of it all. But it never leaves completely.

I have just read through some of these posts and I am crying again but it is a good cry. It is not the tight ,angry ,frustrated crying that filled so much of my life but a letting go cry.

It is that article that I have to thank for this and I hope it helps others on here to reach a point of crying like this.

None of us deserve any of this.

I was abused as a child until leaving home but by father not mother.

My turn to nudge this up I think.

Hi to all. Stay strong. We have each other.

xxJ

I agree, Chris, there will be new members who can take heart from this thread, and know that they are not imagining their problems with a parent. AT 77, I still feel the hurt that my mother inflicted on me all those years ago.

This thread must keep going. It has been a help to many including myself.

Have come upon an article called 'The Mirror Seaks in the Mother-Daughter Connection' on the Psychology Today site.

I think it is worth a look.

Here's the one for male parents. I'm so badly bruised I can't use the 'f' word.

http://www.angriesout.com/grown17.htm

I wasn't able to read everything on this page. If I go too close to anything like this sort of article my head starts to pound and it sounds daft but if the text or page is too complicated it makes me feel panicy. My brain is okay with reading on Wiki and I've just realised why; the text is simple and there is no background. So I can read and stay calm.

This is the criteria on Wiki for Sadistic Personality Disorder although I have read that some people don't recognise it as there are various or similar conditions.

So if someone you know ticks four out of the eight that person has SPD. My male parent fits 2 to 8 perfectly.

A) A pervasive pattern of cruel, demeaning, and aggressive behavior, beginning by early adulthood, as indicated by the repeated occurrence of at least four of the following:

1.Has used physical cruelty or violence for the purpose of establishing dominance in a relationship (not merely to achieve some non-interpersonal goal, such as striking someone in order to rob him/her).
2.Humiliates or demeans people in the presence of others.
3.Has treated or disciplined someone under his/her control unusually harshly.
4.Is amused by, or takes pleasure in, the psychological or physical suffering of others (including animals).
5.Has lied for the purpose of harming or inflicting pain on others (not merely to achieve some other goal).
6.Gets other people to do what he/she wants by frightening them (through intimidation or even terror).
7.Restricts the autonomy of people with whom he or she has a close relationship, e.g., will not let spouse leave the house unaccompanied.
8.Is fascinated by violence, weapons, injury, or torture.

He hated me, my sibling hated me. I'm not sure that the female parent was capable of love either but now I know what her life was like with him, I feel sorry for her. That said, despite doing so much for them especially in their last few years, she learned from him to hate me as much as he did.

Her doctor, their neighbours and friends got told wicked lies by her about me. I was there when she told her doctor some of them. Looking me straight in my eyes one day, in front of two cousins she said that I had mistreated her.

Just one of her friends believed me because she says that the female parent confessed to having done something wicked to me but wouldn't tell her what.

I wish I could come back and share something later. Not sure if I can. It's an afternoon that I have learned to keep parts of in a mental cupboard. I refuse to think about certain things that she did and said. I just can't go there.

You know I was very sorry for those kids who died in that fire in Derby. I wasn't shocked as some seemed to be though, because like many of you on here, we have seen the cruelty that a parent can inflict on a child.

Going out for a while to forget.J

Resurrected for somebody who needs it.

So very sad Jillian. It's difficult to understand how any parent can behave in such a way.