General Chat

Hubby's aunt in hospital. Same ward, same bay, just one bed over from where the female parent was. Close relative lives 110 miles away. Came down yesterday and we met up to visit and I was fine.

This evening went by myself, really so that relative knows condition etc as it's really serious.

Thank heaven I had the kids' Nintendo DS with me. I don't do the melodramatic claims to flashbacks but I'm freaking out just trying to type this. It was horrible and nothing to do with aunt. Brought back everything from 08 and 09. I wanted to throw up, run, hide and I had to control my breathing. My head was pounding fit to explode - same as now and I'm having to keep my breathing under control too. I had to tell myself that it was not the female parent lying there. I saw hubby's aunt quite clearly. But at one point, I'd looked away and then looked back and the female parent's face super-imposed. I'm not talking supernatural stuff, just emotional etc. I remembered all the hours I spent sat with the male parent. The journeys two and three times a day going to and from visits as his taxi. I could see him, feel him and hear him because the memories were so strong. I left when they rang the bell and virtually staggered back to the car. Anyone seeing me as I leant against the bushes as I walked down the road would have wondered if I was drunk but I just couldn't stand up or walk straight. I just wanted to get home to be indoors, hiding and to be with hubby and the kids and blot it all out. I sat in the car and could barely turn the key in the ignition. Typing this I'm shaking and feel out of it, like I'm in a dream world. I couldn't think of anywhere to drive to to sit until I calmed down. I thought about ringing home to get hubby to get a bus to come and drive me home but I managed to hold it together long enough to get home carefully and safely. It took me a good hour before I began to calm down inside. So many memories came flooding back. Even the journey home because I used to have the male parent in the car on the same route. At one point my thoughts drifted as I was driving and he came and put his face into mine very fast. I shouted "NO" and managed to keep driving. That was one of my old nightmares; him coming back and sticking his face right into mine. Even after he was dead, I could feel his anger and hatred towards me. I'm sure that I have spirit protectors who keep him from getting to me as much as they prevented him from getting to the female parent when he died. I know that he didn't come back to me this evening but the whole thing, alifetime of bullying from him, the betrayal by her, the lies from them both and everything before, after and in between was so strong I was reliving it like it was then.

Surviving the way I have and moving on so much to where I am comfortable with my life now, having this all come back to me; the whole thing, I feel a whole bunch of emotions and turmoil I can't even begin to describe or even understand myself. The old disbelief at the whole situation and how it came about which I used to feel - like shock. I've been reminded of it all this evening. I am so glad I'm not living that time right now. I don't know how I got through it. It's not pleasant to remember at any point which is why I don't think about it anymore but I got the emotional memories full on tonight and it's made me remember just how truly bad the whole thing was.

But I think I'm going to be okay. I am safe back home with my family and it's done and I don't have to live that portion of my life again. My life began September 5th 2009 when I walked away from the parents and never went back.

I'm not visiting the hospital tomorrow anyway and Thursday we are away at a funeral. I'll go in on Friday for just a few minutes. The long-distance relative doesn't have any idea that that ward has big significance in my memories and she has enough on her plate and I'm not about to tell her what visiting this evening has done to me. I love this lady and I know how thankful she is that I am close by to visit and she would be the first to tell me not to go again and mean it. I'm not being a martyr. I want to go. But I am going to make the visit short so I don't have time to think. I'll go in the afternoon too so that if I feel bad afterwards, I can go for a walk in daylight or even go park in the local shopping centre.

I knew I needed to share this with you guys. I'm fine now. I've got a busy day tomorrow. I'm going to listen to my radio in bed. I've learned how to sleep in the quiet but for years I had to have the radio on through the night in case I woke up. I needed to listen to people talking so my own thoughts wouldn't shout at me.

I feel like I'm ready to sleep now. xxx

:-D Jill and i would of done too...maybe i am changing,my attitude certainly is ,i can hear it (dont like it) well maybe i wll accept it as it might suit my new age next year, if its still around,.....mental tussle i like the sound of that
:-) :-)

I was always in fights, would take on anybody.

I'm not fisty anymore,thank goodness, but do like a bit of a mental tussle with people.

Errr. Given the spats we have on other threads (not this one) it probably wouldn't be a good idea ;-)

Hope that you enjoyed going out again today. Head held high and if anyone dares to speak to you, bite their toes off :-D :-D :-D :-D

Keep in touch. I'm in Stratford later on so be back quite late on this evening.

xxJ

Why dont GENES have a LIKE button,...

Hi jill.....i am feeling slighlty level headed today,although still analysing,i went shopping yesterday for the first time since coming to blows with her...and i knew i had a certain look on my face that said "stay away or else"....geez its a joke i must destress my life...going out again in a little while,for another try at the world..thanks for looking out for me jill <3 <3 <3

Wow. Thanks Sharron. The prolonged stress bit is very interesting given what I was going through at the time.

I've been wondering how Cane is doing this evening.

At least she seems to accept that she is welcome, and wanted by us on this thread.

xJ

I don't know if it has any relevance to thyroid but have a look at cortisol.

I don't know if it has any relevance to thyroid but have a look at cortisol.

Thank you Jill <3
<3

The trust you lack in others may never come back, either fully or partly. If I see an elderly couple who remind me of my in laws I feel warmth. If I see a couple who remind me, not only in looks but demeanour of mine, I feel cold, sick and wonder about the lies and what is being hidden.

I'm comfortable with someone who looks like my fil but immediately dislike someone who resembles the male parent. They can appear to be as nice as anything but I just don't trust them.

Incidentally, last year, just a year after the male parent shuffled off, I was on the beach with hubby and kids and chosen sister and her son. I happened to look beyond where we were sitting to a man in his deck chair. Hubby saw my look and chosen sister knew something had gone very bad because I looked like I had gone into shock.. I couldn't speak and hubby turned and looked and saw a man so like the male parent that they could have been twins. Chosen sis made the connection although she had never seen a pic of him. She stood up, took my arm and said for us to get out of there. We walked for a few minutes until I calmed down. When I went back to our little bit of the beach I was okay. In fact I looked at him in fascination a couple of times; just brief glances and he was just the image. It made hubby feel sick too. It was everything. Shape of face, hair and his look/expression. I've seen pics of previous generations and he matched them too. A part of me considered asking him if he had any Shetland ancestry but I didn't.

For all I knew he could have been one of the nicest people in the whole world but I will never be able to see that in anyone again.

Stay strong lovely lady. You are amongst friends here and you NEVER have to explain yourself.

xJ

Cane - we all suffered in silence, thinking it was the norm and accepting it. Even as adult, I felt guilty and wondered why when I saw the relationship between other mothers and their adult daughters.

Thanks Sharon, for this Thread,and all the lovely people for adding,am meaning to read through today...luv Gwen xxxx

Jill.....this is my story i cried whilst reading it ,correct to the point...with me it has even come to the point that i didnt trust people,hence i am coming to terms with things and a very big thanks to this thread it has saved my sanity and life....right now i have a banging headache through crying and annalysing everything....i am telling myself it stops now i can pick myself up from this and life will get better...i am the eldest of five and do worry if i get lumbered with her if anything happens..i can honestly say that i could nt look after her,and to say this makes me feel bad

Maggie.....i have very touchy feely children too,they are my world....When my daughter was little and i was pregnant with my son my mother would take her out, as my daughter grew to a teen she was becoming the teen from hell and started resenting me to the point wher i almost had a break-down..iwas getting fed up with her constant running away..it only came to lite when she became a mum that my mother was filling her head with crap abt me...sayind "i want u to always remember that your mother was never for you she loved all the others...i have seven children and she was never there to help only destroy what little energyi had each day....

I don't think I have a Narcissistic mother - but I think she did.
Just come back from a week in a camper van with mother and my sister.
Strangely, both of us decided, when we had children, we would be more tactile than our mother - easier said than done, but our children & grandchildren are very touchy feely, and mine know to give me a cuddle even if I don't instigate it.

Before the holiday I had spoken to my sister about out mother's attitude to me. Sis didn't believe me, but was on the 'look out'.
Fortunately she spotted it - cutting the spuds too small - they were to be mashed anyway - 'How many cardigans have you bought?' - less than my sis as sis pointed out.
It became a game of mother pointing out my faults, and my sister 'topping' my faults - don't know if mother knew :-D

As far as mother is concerned, I'm a naughty child aged 8 and will remain so.
Mother is 82, sis and I are 60 and 56 - and my sister was unaware of our mother's attitude towards me - always wrong.
Fortunately, my children, without any instigation from me, have noticed this attitude. They are polite enough to kiss their nan and be nice, but I've just realised she's not in any of the official wedding photo's of my youngest last week......
So I'm not mad......

I've got an underactive Thyroid too. Undiagnosed and you can seem a little off another planet; memory loss, strange behaviour, etc.

Fortunately I was diagnosed and I take daily meds and am fine.

Of course most of those who know me would still describe me as being from another planet :-D

Our son was born in 1997 and in February that year the female parent said something to me that made me realise just how much she hated and disliked me. I cried through every night for months. Son was born in the middle of June and about the 16th December I went to my doctor to ask him if I was anaemic. Lovely guy my old doc. Said, before we say for certain, let's do some tests for, amongst other things underactive thyroid. It was so obvious when he said it. Of course by the time I saw him, I wasn't thinking straight but I'd put it down to the constant behaviour of the parents, being late thirties with children 2 1/2 and 6m and very little sleep. Christmas Eve (one week later) a Christmas present from my doctor of my very first prescription and once that kicked in I came to realise just how ill I had been. From what I later learned, although it's familial and likely to occur to me anyway, it can also be triggered by trauma or shock and possible that what I went through with the female parent was the initial prompt.

The reason I understand your grief is the day she turned on me, the female parent destroyed every belief I had in what it was to be a mother. It changed the relationship I had with my daughter too because I didn't believe in mothers anymore. From that moment of her words though, she died. Then there was simply someone who looked like her, sounded like her but it was just someone else in her body.

Then I ended up looking after her. I've posted enough on these pages about both nightmare parents so just look back if you want the details.

During the time I looked after her I felt nothing in terms of good feelings. I did my best but no love involved.

I have never regretted walking away. I did my best for as long as I could and my consience is 100% clear.

I'm now the best mother that I can be to both my kids. I'm either in a good mood or a grouchy old bag but there is no doubt that I love them and I never stop telling them. Abuse does not need to continue through the generations and it stops with me.

Mothers are supposed to be the ones who love you unconditionally. Although I never told my mother in law everything she worked out the rest but even she would have been appalled. When she hugged me it was a real mother's hug and I loved her. I miss her every day and she taught me so much especially about the unconditional side of love and being a mother. I have one of her fleece jackets. I call it ' Nanny's Hugging Jacket' because everytime I put it on, she is hugging me.

I can't tell you how to get over the loss. But tomorrow morning you can wake up and tell yourself that you never have to take any more of her crap again. The it's up to you to stay strong. You might have family members who don't/won't/can't understand and will try to put pressure on you to change your mind.

Just remember that if you have been pushed this far, you are not in the wrong here whatever anyone trys to tell you.

Does it ever.

It is a very big void.

Does it ever.

It is a very big void.

Does it ever.

It is a very big void.

:-| :-|