General Chat

Hi Liz. Thanks. <3

I'm afraid that I have been more grouchy than normal to hubby and the kids. <3

Wisechild.

So often I feel like things are sureal and spaced. I can fully believe that you and your brother have all these ailments but with no apparent cause.

Cane.

I have no idea what to say. I'm not sure I am worthy of such lovely words but thank you anyway <3

Jill....My DARLING I WANT TO GIVE YOU A GREAT BIG HUG....YOU ARE A VERY MUCH LOVED AND TREASURED LADY...HUG'S & KISSES GWEN <3 <3 <3 <3

Both my brother & I have been wondering for years why we both have ongoing, but unexplained health problems such as upset stomachs, dizziness etc which don´t have any obvious physical cause after every test known to man.
Eventually, my brother went for counselling & was told that it is all caused by years of stress due to the lack of relationship with our mother & that the symptoms are not imaginary.
We both still have health problems, but at least we know there is no physical cause.

Oh Jill, what a life you have had in the past, but what a good life you have made for yourself with your husband and children. Be proud of what you have done, and how you have made a good strong family unit with nothing to refer to from your own upbringing. When you have a negative thought about being stupid, which you obviously are not ( just forgetful and with the pressure of life these days, who isn't forgetful?) just think of one or two of the positive things you have done, and stand tall and proud. Your inlaws saw your worth and knew the good person you were and still are, and you obviously reciprocated their love and respect. Hold on to stuff like that and push the negative stuff to the floor and stamp on it, literally. Have a good old stomp around and a swear if you want and then give your kids or hubby a hug and carry on.
No need to grovel and apologise if you forgot an email or whatever, just say a quick Sorry, senior moment lol and don't stress yourself.

Here's a reminder of an old saying, which I like, as I used to be a real worrywort.

Today is the tomorrow I worried about yesterday, and all is well.


Hope you have had a good night's sleep and will have a better day today.

Lizxx

Feel quite low. Forgot something today and got an e-mail this evening reminding me of it. I'm not stupid but it's often how I feel. And now I know that someone else thinks I am. So I have sent an apology and an e-mail kind of explaining why I forgot.

Today I was in Tesco with hubby and so stressed my legs were like jelly and I couldn't think straight. I was trying to work out which was better value on something and I couldn't even think how to add and divide. I am getting worse. I know it's stress making it worse but it's a vicious circle.

I've had daughter keep coming down to see me whilst I was writing the message because I was so miserable. This is the message I've sent. Do you think I sound awfully sorry for myself? It wasn't meant as that. Just an honest apology and explanation of why.

'....... memory isn't as good as it could be; actually at some points it's scary what I can't remember. Partly the result of a medical condition which seems to affect the brain's capability and partly due to a lifetime of extreme stress and a lot of years without enough sleep. My family were extremely abusive - mental, psychological, emotional, physical and mild sexual abuse and never knowing one day to the next if I would be allowed to live or not. The physical abuse meant that I took a lot of damage to my head because bruises don't show underneath the hair.

I don't shout about it all but I don't particularly keep it secret. It all possibly contributes to the reason I can never remember faces and names. And that I do keep a secret. So I'm sharing something with you trusting that you won't spill the beans. Years of practice means I have ways of helping me to remember people I've met and I usually manage to bluff my way for not remembering names. It can be months of knowing someone before I might remember people and names automatically. Until it sinks in, if it ever does, I do have to pretend sometimes to recognise people at ........... events when they seem to know me or mention when we've met or spoken before. Sometimes I can't remember the right word for an object and won't even remember what I've said or done from five minutes ago so if I've spoken to someone several months ago I'm in deep trouble. The awful truth is that I would walk by you and so many other people I know in the street and you might only look vaguely familiar to me. ....... is brilliant and frequently bails me out with saying who people are or where I have to remember them from......'.

I could have said nothing at all but I needed to explain why I'm not useless as I appear to be at times.

Off to bed now. I need to sleep. Just needed to share.

xxJ

Morning Chris. One of the neighbours told me that I should forgive him and look after him. :-P :-P :-P :-P :-P :-P :-P :-P :-P :-P :-P :-P :-P :-P :-P :-P :-P :-P

The old ******** even got a legal advocate involved to try to persuade me to become his carer again. From the letter I received from her it was clear that she was almost having it dictated to her. The words were his because she mentioned if I changed my decision there would be no recrimination and no discussion of the past. She told me he was feeling isolated and alone. That one had me laughing ironically I can tell you. I talked to hubby about replying why I'd walked away but he said that anything I said would most likely have to be passed on and his threatening behaviour might just get worse. Hubby was getting telephone calls at work from him but having number display was able to ignre them. His remaining thread of sympathy for what a mean, lonely old ******* he had allowed himself to become and how me must be feeling now he was no longer in control of everyone, (especially the wife he was ashamed of for the last period of her life) had disappeared several weeks before. He'd rung hubby at work one day and become abusive, even to the point of making a comment about hubby's parents. Truthfully, the male parent wasn't fit to be in the same room as them.

Needless to say I never spoke to him again after September 5th 2009. I was notified by bil that he had died one day in August 2010 and went up to the home he was in and where my sibling had also gone to see him. I kissed him and said that I was very sorry for how everything had turned out and that I had loved him. I didn't go to his funeral.

I've probably said before that I only wanted my consience to be clear when they were gone. Sure I regret how things turned out but not in how I did anything.

And every day, I'm just a little more recovered. People tell me I'm looking really well. I tell them that I am very well. Most of them have no idea why. I am proud of myself for standing up to him. I was the first and only person ever to have done that to him. It's strange how that show of strength and self-belief enabled our daughter to stand up for what she believed when she was being bullied by her football coach. He tried to intimidate her but he failed. She's moved on now to another team where the coach is an absolute breath of fresh air in comparisson and she has her football mojo back.

I have wondered about getting in contact with 1st cousin once removed up in Shetland. We got on well for many years but then the parents were in contact. After that there didn't seem to be any point. I'd rather not know what he told them about me and I didn't want to make things awkward for them. I'd learned my lesson when the kids were little. I'd told a couple who were friends of the parents and friends of me and hubby. I told them about the controlling and the nastiness, etc. Next time I rang to see when I would be taking the kids to see them, they didn't want to know. They kept in touch with the parents; Christmas cards and stuff too. All that stopped with me and hubby and the kids. They wouldn't have anything more to do with us.

It still feels a little wierd when say that I have no family beyond hubby and the kids. Essentially I am the only one left to me. Hubby's family is my family now. I don't even acknowledge that I have a female sibling anymore.

Chris, none of the neighbours said anything like that to me but it was wonderful when he showed his true colours in full flow to a hospital consultant, a ward sister, a staff nurse, hospital social worker, several variations on nursing staff, physios and others :-D

The look on all their faces was shock, disbelief at what he was saying and then realising that this was my life and that of the female parent. Sadly she was there to witness it too and I'll never forget the hurt on her face of what he said about her.

Nah. Others can think what they want about him. Lots know the truth. I can live with myself and no regrets. If others are offended by that, it's their problem.

You lot of really bad, neglectful children of Narcy-wotsit parents are truly the best. I'm happy to be one of you. <3

Sharron,

she would never have admitted to anyone outside the family (who knew) why I refused any further contact with her.

She did try to tell her sister about the incident but Auntie was quick and informed dear mother that she had seen copies of the letters and had made sure the rest of the family knew the truth.

Auntie did ask me at the time was I sure? How would I feel when she died? And no I did not go to the funeral as I cannot stand hypocrisy and had I been told how wonderful she was I would have erupted, so I stayed away and no, 8 years on I do not regret any of my decisions.

Strangely enough several of her friends/acquaintances contacted me after her death and to my embarrassment informed me of how she had used and abused their friendship and hospitality.

Hi Uzzi,

Glad to know that your mother is still her old self :-P

You keep looking at your lovely husband. If the old bat doesn't like it, she can look the other way. And if we are talking beauty, there is inside aswell as outside and I know which category you fit into and which one she is in. <3

It was the male parent who was the Narc-y-whotsit in my case but he really did train the female parent and the sibling very well.

Stay strong Uzzi. Honoured and proud to call you friend.xxJ

Lindsay welcome to a thread that many people in the real world hide from.

Lyn I am like you my mother wasn´t a narcissistic mother as such but she was a demanding and domineering.

My mother is not that bad but yesterday she demanded that I stopped looking at my husband and smiling because it upset her !!!! and why was he with me seeing I was so ugly !!! sheeesh what planet. :-P

Jill, when you have been through this you are going to be so strong.

You are strong now because we have had to be strong for our entire lives.There has been nobody to support us.

You have done no wrong whatever anybody else thinks.

Often,when I tell people just how much I disliked my mother the reply is "I loved mine".

Of course they did,but they would not have loved mine.I was not failing in my duty,she was failing in hers but everybody sees the world from their own perspective.

Jill, when you have been through this you are going to be so strong.

You are strong now because we have had to be strong for our entire lives.There has been nobody to support us.

You have done no wrong whatever anybody else thinks.

Often,when I tell people just how much I disliked my mother the reply is "I loved mine".

Of course they did,but they would not have loved mine.I was not failing in my duty,she was failing in hers but everybody sees the world from their own perspective.

Jill, when you have been through this you are going to be so strong.

You are strong now because we have had to be strong for our entire lives.There has been nobody to support us.

You have done no wrong whatever anybody else thinks.

Often,when I tell people just how much I disliked my mother the reply is "I loved mine".

Of course they did,but they would not have loved mine.I was not failing in my duty,she was failing in hers but everybody sees the world from their own perspective.

I've not gone and read. I can read and post along with you all but beyond that I'm too fragile.

Speaking as that terrible, neglectful daughter - and I can't even go there tonight, I did so much for the parents which was witnessed by others but totally denied by the parents, I don't give a stuff what anyone thinks of me. Sibling has turned only cousins still speaking to me and I really have no idea what lies she told them. Sibling who used to beat the crap out of me emotionally and physically only came back on the scene when she saw the chance to inherit. Was all sweetness and light and after I got written out of the will because of my behaviour, told the friends and neighbours she would make sure that everything was fair after he died. Well guess what. That tune changed once he popped his clogs. As far as I know, the neighbours still think she's wonderful. Mind you, I'd love to know what they think of the fact that I'm supposed to have got all this money but my porch is still falling to pieces along with the garage doors and the car is still the same.

Let them think I'm the worst person in the world to neglect the poor man who lost his wife. He was a total b*****d. I know the truth and so do the special people in my life.

Going to stop as if I'm not careful I'll give myself a stress-headache. Or rather, I'll make the one I've got, much worse :-D

I read the psychologist's comment not as much in the light of don't break away buT rather to consider the extent of the loss you have susained by the abuse and withdrawto that extent. Maybe not to cut off your nose to spite your face.

After all, when you do cut them out, you are giving them a terrible,neglectful daughter for which they can expect plenty of sympathy.

Don't kow if this makes sense but I know what I am saying!

I read the psychologist's comment not as much in the light of don't break away buT rather to consider the extent of the loss you have susained by the abuse and withdrawto that extent. Maybe not to cut off your nose to spite your face.

After all, when you do cut them out, you are giving them a terrible,neglectful daughter for which they can expect plenty of sympathy.

Don't kow if this makes sense but I know what I am saying!

Following on from Sharron's post on the other thread re the above book by moi, I went on to the D. Mxxl website and only got halfway through the replies.

It is horrendous but I have to ask how can a so-called expert make statements as to the outcome of actions of children of these parents e.g. (cutting off from them) unless the expert has, himself, gone through these traumas?

It was the best thing I ever did even though I was 51 by the time I had enough courage to confront her with her latest, scheming, planning and downright lies.

I don't know if anyone is interested but I have just noticed this book in the D Mail.

Called 'You're not crazy it's your mother' and written by Danu Morrigan.

I think flashbacks could be the memories that you can't block or control.The vile,abusive remembered words that come into your mind with no prompting.

If you have anybody in hospital you are under extra stress,whoever they are.I remember how I was when my mother died and that caused me no distress at all.

At a time like that you just won't be able to keep your memories under control.

Hi Sharron. Maybe you are right.

I suppose I am clouded by having an extreme drama-queen in the family who would call a memory a flashback. Always mega woe-is-me. Excuse me for a moment. I'm having unpleasant flashbacks just remembering some of those episodes :-D

Leads me to an interesting question. Where does a memory end and a flashback begin? Is a flashback where the memory is strong or even presents a picture so strong that it superimposes on what is actually in line of sight?

I have to specifically block certain incidents because to let myself think about them is too much.

Those memories last night were very, very bad. Thankfully I don't think it affected my sleep at all. I hope this all means that I really have been able to move on a heck of a lot.

Hope you've had a good day.

xJ

Sorry Jill,I couldn't read more than a couple of lines.Well done for getting it written down.

Soldiers,who are trained to deal with conflict as part of their job,suffer from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder which involves flashbacks.

Children,who are born into a conflict zone with no choice or preparation are engaged in constant stressful conflict with narcissistic parents with no let up.

It would seem to me that we are likely candidates for PTSD. I didn't realize that I was having flashbacks until they stopped.