General Chat

I have read this, and have recognised this poisonous trait in my friend's Mother....all the classic symptoms....ticked all the boxes.....and has left a 50 y.o. woman feeling like the world's worst daughter, whereas her brothers and sisters are 'good' children, and yes, this mother has a golden child too.....and guess what, the golden child has the same traits....

My friend has been beating herself up for years for not wishing contact with her mother, and now has more contact with her, but is being treated just like the article says......my friend can never do anything right.....etc. etc..... My friend is one of the nicest caring people ever, is a careworker and rescues dogs, a brilliant Mum and wife......so some good has come out of it.....

I consider myself to have been very lucky to not have been abused in this way......it is so incidious, and undetectable, that any child or adult complaining of it would be made to look like.......as they say......an ungrateful and spiteful child.....

....best place for these people, is well away from the adult child and their family........horrendous.....

A very interesting article. I have saved it to read later. Thank you xx

Hi Libby, Yes it does apply to Fathers as well. xxxx

personality disorders effect both sexes Libby.
They are quite distinct and once you know what you are looking at they stand out if you ever meet a person with one

I have just read the article and an awful lot of it is very familiar and wonder if this could apply to fathers aswell - imagine is does.

I am not referring to my own Dad but to someone I am very close to. Over a period of 18 years I have watched this "father?" pass snide remarks, belittle and blame his son for everything/anything. Even the part about selling/giving away personal possessions because he didn't use them much anyway or they had been bought as a gift.

This "father" has both a public and private face, neither resembling the other. Contact has now almost completely ceased and the "father" dishes out the blame on the son. Unfortunatley the son "goes back for more" occasionaly.

I have printed off this article for my friend and continue to support him and hope he realises "he is not to blame".

Personality disorder was not even in the picture until I alighted upon this quite by chance.I have,in the past,tried to explain to the doctor that I had been under extreme stress all my life because I had had an abusive mother.Of course I was asked how she abused me.This is the slightly complicated part.There is no one thing to pin-point,it a series of small things,'death by a thousand cuts!Of course the doctor does not have the several decades to spare that it would take to catalogeue her little pleasures.
Next time I do visit the doctor that article comes too,it may help somebody who is still living it and is also not able to articulate the problem.

ps check out the DSM criteria for personality disorders online.
Sam Vaknin writes very good stuff about narcissism and his website has a very good support group for people that are affected by narcissists in some way

The thing with them sharron is that they are very damaged people with no hope of ever changing.
My grandmother had narcissistic personality disorder that really affected my mother.
She could never understand her treatment until she learnt about personality disorders.
The final bit of the puzzle came when she did my grandmothers family history and discovered what had shaped her into the monster she was.
it was brilliant because mum could truely then let it go.
But she was almost 70 years old by then

The article appears several times and I think I did see in what context it was written.I was too taken aback to look for references.I have been there,I know it is accurate but am astounded at the mind that can step back and put the thousands of little bits together into something I can relate to.The task I have never been able to accomplish.
Thank you for the compliment Tania but you survive because there is no alternative.I think I was maybe a little stronger and more intelligent than she was too

Hi Sharron
I havnt read the article you mention but I am well versed in personality disorders particularly narsiccism if you have any questions.
You have done well to survive a narcissistic parent mother or father
Regards Tania

I have read the article and OMG.

Can i offer one word of caution though...there seems to be no reference to who has written it or what their credentials are. I am not suggesting this is the case, but you can write anything you like on the internet as if it is fact. Usually there would be some credit to the author, researcher, institute etc. It may be that this is just ones persons personal experience....in which case 'My own experience of a ....' would have been a better title as this implies these are proven signs & symptoms for all with this disorder.

Here is another article written by Nina W. Brown is a professor and eminent scholar of counseling in the Educational Leadership and Counseling Department at Old Dominion University in Norfolk, Virginia.

http://www.wmeades.com/id211.htm

I dont know if it is on any relevance or benefit to you but the section 'The "Parentified" Child
One way to identify a parental DNP is to determine if you were a parentified child.' is quite interesting.

Sharron i commend your bravery in posting this thread

My husband's step-mother was like that. She married my FIL when my OH was 32 so thankfully didn't do damage to little children. She did disappoint my children though by asking what they would like for their birthdays/christmas and promising to come and see them. Never turned up and I was left with disappointed kids. We thought at first she was wonderful and just what my poor widowed FIL needed. She made his life hell. She charmed most people and my own mother once told me that she couldn't understand why I disliked her so much when she was "a lovely lady and so kind". When my dear FIL died she made things so difficult for us while enjoying all the attention from her neighbours. We were all told that we had treated her disgracefully. We decided to cut all contact with her after FIL's funeral. Much sympathy to all who have endured this from their mothers.
Sue

Its a very interesting and thought provoking article ..... a bit early in the morning for me to take it all in though. Ill bookmark it.

I read this, only got about halfway through, then I was physically sick.

A very interesting read

I may bump this up at another time, and add to it, but not at the moment,

The original thread i believe was by Lynda Pace, and i cant find it, but i added to that in great detail

some things are hard to understand, if only we knew then, what we know now,

xxLynnxx

The sad and frustrating thing is that there are still little children living through this who are not able to ask for help and whose suffering,for that is certainly what it is,is not recognized.When you see and do recognize it as an adult,what he hell can youdo about it?

OMG the more I read the more I agreed with it. I thank God I got away from her, mine moved North and re-invented herself as the lovely little widow woman who takes in sewing !
She has all the neighbours running around after her and I am the errant daughter. Some of them don't even know I exist !
I loved the bit about second hand gifts... never had any new ones !!! Its such a shame I didnt realise what she was up to when I was little. Still all water under the bridge now.
Thanks for that , a good read.

Sorry,that came out wrong.I was maligning my own technical abilities not yours.

Google 'characteristics of narcissistic mothers'and it is the second one down.Technical eh!

http://www.geocities.com/zpg1957/narcissists.htm
kaz xxxx

this link should take you straight there....fingers crossed, do let me know if it doesnt, i'll delete.... :))

Could someone please post the link - I tried following the instructions but cant find the article.