General Chat

I have been reading an article about a man who was sexually abused, which is the abuse that is everybody is appalled by when many are not quite sure if psychological abuse matters, and could so much relate the struggle he described as having to understand why it was happening.

I think I once came to the conclusion that it was one of those onerous duties of parents, and she had so many, to make us unhappy in childhood so that we would be happy when we grew up.

Well,I got that one wrong then!

Yesterday, having nothing better to do, I re-read this whole thread and,if nothing else makes this thread seem worthwhile, reading Jill's posts does.

This is not even particularly for their content which I did not read in their entirety. In fact I couldn't read the first ones, they were so disjointed and full of anger and bewilderment. It must have felt good to get it all out

The last couple read as if they were written by a different person.coherent. logical and beautifully put together.

I hope we can all continue to suppoet each other for a long time yet.

Hi Merlin.

Thanks for that. And you are so right about choosing friends. I have some wonderful friends now who are the family I always longed for.xJ

Just dinasorjill, Just read this again, Firstly a "Belated Happy Birthday" secondly, just remember when they get you down,You can always Choose your Friends, But Sadly Not your Family,And Its their Loss, Take care.**M**.

This topic really has touched a raw nerve with so many people.
I think the thing I feel most is cheated.
Cheated of a proper home life.
Cheated of cousins & aunts & uncles because my mother lied about her family & now cheated of my daughter & my granddaughter because of the lies my mother told my daughter.
Anyone remember the phrase.....If you say anything to your father you will get twice as much when he´s not here.

I have a friend who is a retired mental health social worker (we have known each other since our teens) and she has often said over the years, I have never ever come across anyone like your mother. It is a miracle you are normal - you must have all of your father's genes'.

She lived until aged 97 - the last couple of years in care and apparently she would always enter the dining room late and announce I am here'.

Thank you so much Moonbi for posting this.

Reading it was amazing. Couldn't decide whether sit in a corner and sob but most overwhelmingly I wanted to laugh. Nervous reaction????

Golly. It's him. All the way.

I had a telephone conversation where I stood up to him (the first time anyone ever had) and said 'NO' to his latest demands which included me helping him to 'get these people' (hospital staff and hosp social worker) who had dared to collectively annoy him by their unreasonable behaviour. He was furious with me and he accused me and hubby of all sorts of underhand and dishonest behaviour. Insult me and I'm used to it but what he was accusing hubby of after he'd gone out of his way to help, including the week before which included losing five or siix hours work and I just flipped. I told him that he was a Pa ra noi d O ld M an. Forgive me for doing it like that but it makes it virtually unGoogleable I think. At some point after that I hung up on him. Next thing the telephone rings again and it's him. He demanded to speak to hubby and I said 'NO'. He was going to tell hubby to tell me to behave myself.

Apparently he told the sibling what I'd dared to say and how it I had obviously caused him great offence. When I was clearing out some of his papers I found his appointment diary. He'd written what I'd said and that was the only entry for that day.

He also saw himself as some sort of God-like figure. He always said that he prided himself on being an awkward customer. In the room that we cleared there were folders and folders of letters of complaint to various companies and his MP. I joked about writing to her to say she could probably lay off one of her helpers now. We found neat bundles of cash receipts from a local (national) supermarket. He had kept them for when he thought he could prove some wrongdoing against them and get back what they had cheated him out of.

By the time we had finished there were binbags full of papers. All that crap he'd kept but in his rubbish bin, I found the birthday card that the grandson he was ashamed of had drawn and made for him.

Then I found a bag of cards that probably the female parent had kept and he had found. I say that because I found other older ones hidden in cupboards she would not expect him to go into. Mostly from us, the kids and the sibling and her hubby. A handful from a couple of friends. They were intact but all those from us had mutilated - every single one of them. Beautiful cards that he had cut all our names out of. And okay maybe our names offended him but he mutilated the ones the kids had made too. The sibling said that she would have had back the ones she sent to the female parent as some sort memory but not after seeing the way he left them. I have them in my craft stash of cards waiting to be cut up and reused to make new ones.

Wisechild. I've had the same thing said to me. My reply has always been. It's amazing I'm not more screwed up than I am :-D

oh my goodness, how true, a N truly believes they are the perfection of life, and it is everyone else who is at fault. even psychiatrists admit there is no help for them. it is never possible to fight your corner with one, as you will end up believing it is all your fault.sadly when children are involved, it is a different ball game. even now, if i hear the same name as the N, it makes me tremble inside, i feel there will never be an escape.he manipulated so many lives, and still does. we have tried to say, well it is over, he can't hurt us anymore, but the fear is always with us.

One of my most embarrassing moments was when I was in my 40s. A friend & I were taking our first childless holiday & because we were flying from Birmingham, stayed overnight at my mother´s house (much against my better judgement). At the airport the following day, my friend said "How the h**l did you grow up normal with a mother like that"? :-0 :-0

So I haven't ventured to say what I think N are for.

Seems to me they think they are here on earth as little demi-gods.
To be adored, and admired.
and have their emotional tank filled up upon request.

well not from me he aint, not any more from moi.

:-0

taken from an answer to the question "are N cognizant or completely unaware of their....."
wiki answers
quote
"its very hard to know this and we may never know this for sure. The reason is you cannot get inside someone else's mind. But I surmise from many conversations with a N that they are aware. On a level that they usually hide, both from themselves and others, they are aware. They can get to this level if they try to, so I call that aware.
What they are aware of is that their minds are structured differently and work differently from others. They don't understand what it is for others to feel pain. They will do it if they think they can get away with it and it looks interesting or fun

They will do it to get attention. They don't care if it causes others pain, but they don't want to look bad because then they might not be able to think of themselves as the wonderful people they think they are. Others might stop admiring them. they don't always know what exactly is wrong with them, but they know its something and that they shouldn't let others know about it. They suspect its something very, very bad. They are often fearful and depressed.

They also have very bad memories and can spontaneously forget things or warp things in their memories. But on the deepest level they do know that they are different and that they are cold and that they are predatory or virus-like.
The N I knew even took pride in his predatory nature. I call that ware.
The deal with them isn't that they don't know what they do and how they do it.
The deal is they try to make what they do, seem like a good thing.

That's where the logic gets twisted. So I would say a N is aware of his maladaptive abusive behavior, but he would claim it is adaptive and amazingly good behavior, and that you are abusive and if his behavior seems maladaptive, its all your fault. That's basically how the line of the logic runs.
And then they laugh at you in their heads all the way to the bank.

Want to see something funny, tell a N you can see through them and that they aren't so great, and watch the freak-out begin. " unquote
Not for the faint of heart -- be prepared for some fireworks!

Well when it was the sibling's birthday a few months ago I sent her a card because hubby and I thought it was the right thing to do. This was even though she'd made it clear just how much - or rather just how little - she thought of me and her neice and nephew. Well it's my birthday today and nothing arrived in my post this week. I'm not really surprised and I wish I could work out how much I care. The thing is I reckon I'm sad because I suppose that a card would have proved that there was something of our relationship left.

My parents destroyed any pleasure in having a birthday. It became just an extra opportunity to be mean and hurtful. My in laws always made it mean something when they were alive.

I always hope that hubby and the kids will ignore the day but they don't so I get a present and they sing Happy Birthday. I tell them that I don't need anything beyond what I have - them.

Be Christmas soon. Guess that's one stamp I'll be saving on.

xxJ

Hmmm. What are they for exactly?

Still thinking.


Trying to think of a use for them.


This is really hard.


"What are Narcissists for exactly?"

BEATS ME :-P :-P

Sharron, the Description of these People???? Putting it on here would be a Breach of R&R and would no doubt get a Lifetime Ban. So just think,**&%£****@*** .com.**M**.

What are narcissists for exactly?!!!!!!!!!

Good for you for being behind her Hazel. There was no.of course about it.You can be sure I would have been making the journey to Hell unaccompanied by my mother.

I knew the way anyway.She had sent me there so often.

well, (deep sigh) my daughter was married to a narcissist personality, it took her, and me of course, to the doors of hell. the manipulation, cruelty,abuse, yet he was the "smiley" one to the world. he destroyed her legal career, brought her to financial ruin. she tried to "keep the family together" and suffer herself, but of course i,t ended halfway across the world. he is still managing to control and manipulate the two children, now young adults, but the pattern of behaviour stays the same.he hasn't paid a penny for the children, yet manages to make them feel his is still "dad", while my daughter works herself into the ground in an attempt to keep a roof over their heads. once a narcissist always a narcissistis.

Just by way of a little celebration.

Mine died sixteen wonderful years ago today.

From the sibling

"Why don't you just die"

You never,

I always have to,

Then there was the insulting description( e.g:- you self-centred little bugger),followed by the instruction.always beginning with "now" (now,do that job I have been putting off because I didn't want to do it so I have made it look like it is your duty to do it).

"you want me to give up hope? "

"you don't really mean that, do you?'

I remember always the deflective questions starting with YOU.

and as a child my younger sibling often said, "You're a mole, so go live in a hole."

I really don't want to remember these sayings,