General Chat

Hi Deb and all
narcissists develop one of two ways,either from an abusive childhood or from an extremely indulged childhood.
It is firmly in place in their characters by their late teens.
narcissists do not see that they have anything wrong with them which is why they are all but impossible to treat.
They always have a source of narcissistic supply which is why they single out a favoured child and everyone else is surplus to requirement remembering that they have no empathy and the world solely revolves around them.
They through experience are well aware of how they should behave and go to great lengths to produce the appropriate response although they dont feel it.
EG if someone drops dead in front of them there initial feeling is one of annoyance that it is putting them out but they know thats not the expected response so they will then put on whatever play they can bring to mind for the circumstance.

(thats why people think they are wonderful)
There is only 2 ways to deal with a narcissist,either understand them thoroughly so they nothing they do or say gets under your skin OR have nothing to do with them at all.
Im glad you are all getting support from each other on this
Regards Tania

Deb, I used the word 'you' wrongly really, I didn't mean you should necessarily feel sorry for your mother being abused but that outsiders could altho nothing excuses her continuing any abusive attitutudes to you and Sue.
I have all the Dave Pelzer books but can't bring myself to read them at the mo. He has a self help book out too, which received varied reviews. One brave man to pick himself up from all he suffered and to move on and forgive too.
Take care,
Lizxx

I wouldn't mind betting that you and Sue share some kind of mannerism or characteristic of the person who abused your mum.Probably something really tiny that nobody else has noticed.Whatever it is you can be sure it is no fault of yours anyway.
I have a cousin whose mannerisms are similar to my mother's and they make me want to hit her with something heavy sometimes.
I bet you are feeling the benefit of letting it all outon here.Good innit?

Liz, I do feel for Mum because of her abusive upbringing but at the same time I have a hard time grasping the fact that she doesn't see what she says is also abusive. Sometimes when growing up I truly think I would rather have had a smack than carry around all the hurtful comments that created such a lack of self confidence. Of course I am proud of who I am and for the most part I ignore what she says but then there are those times that I am caught off guard and end up feeling like a scolded child.
Mum thinks she has a right to voice her opinion on any subject whether it is hurtful or not. I often use the anaology that if she saw a new baby that was not the cutiest child she would blurt out "Oh my what an ugly child". Most of us would find something good to say but not her. Mind you don't get me wrong to others that don't know her she is the nicest person you could know.
That also hurts when people say "Oh your Mum is so sweet do you know she brought over a lovely pie or plate of cookies when I was ill" When I had my daughter (30 years ago) and was in a coma for a week and in the hospital for another two weeks Mum didn't come to see me until three days before I was released to go home. When Sue had her second child he was three weeks old before Mum went to see him. With all her other grandchildren she was at the hospital within hours of their births.
Anyway not going to go on about this again but there is a series of books out that I found distrubing but fasinating at the same time. The series is written by Dave Pelzer and they are about his life as an abused child.

This thread really helps knowing that there are so many others who have had the same kind of life. Bless you all for sharing

Time for a nudge I think.

S

Well done Deb.
Unfortunately it is very difficult to protect children from this form of abuse I think.I have seen and heard it happen and not known what to do.
as none of us could properly explain our own abuse how can you explain that of a child.I have been told that children need to be disciplined.
It seems to be that sexual abuse is very fashionable as,indeed,is physical abuse but mental and psychological abuse,being carried out discreetly,is acceptable.Often it seems to attract a "poor mum"response.

Be proud, Deb.
Sue xx

Well done Deb, for breaking out of that destructive cycle. You have every right to be proud of the way you have lived your life and looked after your daughter and husband.
What a shame your Mother couldn't get it right altho you have to feel some pity for her because of her abusive childhood.
I think we must all watch out for any children we think might be suffering in any way, don't let us look the other way or be afraid to report any suspicious things, we must make sure our children of the future live happily without these awful things being thrust on them, and so break the cycle for ever.
Lizx

survived ...yes... only just i think, and i am a pensioner now, i wish i had understood all of this when i was young, i am sure i would have coped better had i known it wasnt my fault!

Let me start by saying my Mum was a physically abused child. Growing up she was hospitalized a couple of times because my granddad beat her. Of course the reasons for the concussions and bumps and bruises was always covered up by my grandparents. Yes Grannie knew what was going on but never admitted to anyone what was happening. The strange thing was Mum was the oldest of 15 children and none of the others were abused. She always felt the reason for the abuse was because she was the product of a forced marriage as my granddad was forced to marry grandmum because he got her pregnant.
That being told Mum always has prided herself in not physically abusing me or my siblings. She has never made the connection that verbal abuse is just as bad as physical. Out of seven of us she has targeted me and one of my younger sisters to be the receivers of her verbal insults. Now the other of my siblings have all had small attacks on their character but for some reason Sue and I have always never been good enough, smart enough, or capable of doing anything right. There is never a time when we are around Mum that we aren't insulted about something, our physical appearance, (hair style, clothes, weight) or our capablities with our jobs, raising our children, how we keep our homes. I could go on and on with stories about things she has said to us that are hurtful. My family dr told me once to call her on her comments, you know like "Why did you say that to me are you trying to hurt my feelings" That is my method of dealing with it some of the times and usually she is caught off guard and sputters out "Oh I didn't mean it that way", or "What I can't speak my mind its not to hurt you just to let you know that hairstyle makes your face look fat". Most of the time thou I am usually caught off guard and just can't find the right thing to say. It bothers me to no end that at 50'something I am made to feel like a small child by her words.
For the most part I am proud of what I have achieved in life, I have a wonderful husband and great daughter, good job and am a very giving person. At least Sue and I have each other and our families and we understand what the other is feeling.
I'm not going to go on and on about this I think we all deal with our narssists (sp) the best way we can.

Studies prove that if your abused you either carry on the cycle as that is all you know or your break the cycle. Mum thinks she broke the cycle but in reality she just found another way of carrying it on. I am pleased that I have broken that cycle and my daughter is a confident independant person.

If contacting that woman would help bring this to the fore so that children might be helped earlier, or removed from really abusive situations, then I think it is imperative you speak to her Sharron.
Lizx

Well Stella,we are the ones who have survived.We,at least,have access to computers and the freedom to use them and we are articulate enough to communicate with each other.How many more are in prisons,psychiatric units and ,indeed ,graveyards?
I,too,feel the lifting of a huge weight.It has been explained,I don't have to think about it anymore.I am so glad I found that article.

i think that is a good idea Sharron,

i will back you up on that , i have had such a weight lifted from me , i am sure there are many others need this help too !

I have been reading an article in the Daily Mirror today by Camila Batmanghelidjh,the woman who founded Kidscompany which works with emotionally abused children.Her article is a little politically biased but ,if you can manage to avoid those bits,it highlights the way society is suffering because of emotionally damaged children and how so much abuse is unseen.
As every one of us thought we alone were suffering the way we were I was wondering what you might think about me contacting this woman,(I really don't want to have to spell her name more than I have to) as I really would like NPD to be public news.

Ok, ok. You're just an ordinary person just sharing your story. I won't make your head too big for the door:)))
Sue x

But I didn't ever cry over this article,well only in a positive way.I had to share it to make it valid I think and I have always wanted to stop others having to endure what we did.I feel their pain.Little children being punished for something imaginary.
Just to get one reply meant that it was a valid article and that I wasn't the only one so I have gained much more that I have ever contributed.
Anyway,my partner says he still has to live with me and my head is plenty big enough already!

Hello

My story is different to all of yours, send hugs to each and every one of you ((((hugs)))). My mother was narcissistic too.

xxx

Hi Gail, well done to you for that. I hope that comment you made came back to haunt her many times.
I keep thinking about this thread and things are making some sense to me too.
Off to bed now, take care hon
Lizxxx

Sharon, yes you are incredible because you could have read that article and had a cry over it and left it at that. You put it on this board, you talked about yourself and then continued to give encouragement to those who replied. If you read a lot of those replies you will see that other people agree with me.
Sue xx

My mother once told me "You are just like your father" and the look that comes with the message.

My reply, "Thank you, that is the first complement you have ever payed me". First time I had ever seen her lost for words.