General Chat

Carole I know exactly where you are coming from with the card. I went into a card shop the other day to buy a gift bag and the displays made me feel ill. I get around the verses these days because I make all my own cards and avoid anything beyond the neccesary. I send one because it ensures a quiet life where as mum-in-law does get one sent with love.

I also have trouble relating to females as friends, those i have had for any length of time tend to have been tomboyish when I met them. Although until I left home for university male friends were a no no too because she had to flirt with them. I actually bit back and told her to stop flirting with my OH after he commented to me about her behaviour - one of the few times I've bitten back it has to be said.


I decided at about 15 that I would never give her grandchildren, after she asked me one day to promise that I'd tell her when 'it' happened (it being the obvious and the one thing that a bookish teenager without a boyfriend is unlikely to be doing) Best form of contraception ever though kept me well away from the boys until I was well away from her. Now at almost 33 I think I would have the strength to deny her contact if (and it is still a big if) I do ever have children

Yes,I have. My opinion is that I would not want to star in anything but would like the problem to star.It is such a secret at the moment and that is how it flourishes.We were conditioned to keep quiet because,of course,it was all down to our badness anyway.
If plenty of us could contribute it would make it known that the problem is everywhere,otherwise it could look like the imaginings of some bitter and twisted individual.Just like your mum always said it was.
It needs to be brought into the open,people need to be able to recognize it and whoever wrote that article needs to be made a saint as soon as possible!

Has anyone else been approached to tell their story in a magazine ?
What would you do ?

I've said no ,as I dont think I could condense a lifetimes worth of experiences into a short story.and sensationalise it.
My mother always kept extensive diaries and when I get my hands on them I would like to investigate, "what makes a narcissist tick." and only then publish.

When my mother died I was telling the undertaker what to put in the paper "wife of Fred,mother of Sharron".She read it back with beloved wife of Fred and loving mother of Sharron.I told her I wanted it the way I had said it and that is how it went in the paper.

Well,my lovely paternal grandmother, who looked after me until I was six and she died,always told me it was wrong to lie so I didn't.

i had the most beautiful blond curls, that were sheared to halfway up the back of my head.

Just nipping in to say Hi for now

Ugly? I wasn't made to think I was ugly. I was the pretty little doll..........the catch being that I wasn't to step outside of the box.

X

Carole know just what you mean. I used to spend hour looking for a card I did not want to give in the first place. Horrid ungrateful child that I was. Only now I buy cards for my mother in law and spend hours looking for just the right card and enjoy every minute of it. I am sure her love and support has helped so much. Over the years MIL often commented she could not understand how my mother could treat me like that, I did not really understand what she was talking about, guess I was so used to it that I could not really see or understand.

Had a PM from Sharron and she mentioned 'Conditioning' and she is just so spot on with that one. I grew up thinking I was ugly, looking through some old photos today I decided I was actually a pretty little thing after all. Old age has not been so kind :=))) BUT, with age comes wisdom.

Gail

It's me (Tinkerbell) I changed my name. Don't know if I'll keep it!


Has anyone else found it hard to choose a Mothers Day card? They all seem to have soppy loving verses. I would be a fraud to send my Mum one of those.

Gail I too felt like you. I make friends but find it hard to keep them, my Mum never liked any of my friends. I feel a better more likable person through the help of friends on here, like you say they are interested in me and my life.

Oh, the penny has just dropped.

Apart form not being allowed to have female friends, when young. I have had difficulty trusting women. It is really my not wanting or feeling that I cannot trust, that has been at the bottom of it all. Feelings of who would want to be my friend anyway. Feelings of not being worthy. Worries of being judged as inadequate. I could never be a good friend as I would let them all down anyway. Well, we all know where that comes from now.

So glad now that I am letting other women into my life, I have missed having that friendship. Never too late in life to start and I did make that start this week. I also had an immediate rapport with this person.

I think the start of having any friendships started on this site and I have made many great ciber friends. This has helped I feel due to the fact that people have been interested in me and my life. I did question that for a long time and at times was very paranoid about people wanting to make contact with me. Why would they want to waste their time on me.

gail

Sharron, my father was a successful business man, but my mother stole money and then left, leaving my father to bring me up, this was back in the 50's I was so ashamed that my parents were divorced, did not tell any of my friends at school. It was not untill I was in my 30's that I found out my mother did not even go to court to fight to keep me. Not untill I was about 50 when I confronted her as to why she left me (having 3 children I would go through hell and high water to keep them) know what she told me "well I did bye you a car". Also remember when we had last recession my husband who was self employed did not have much work, my mother said "if you lose your house where will you go what will you do" bearing at time she had a 4 bedroom house, think that says it all. Maybe I got of lightly she remarried and had a step-daughter, who she was equally nasty to, actually stopped her from marrying the love of her life. My father told me that my mothers mother said don't marry her perhaps she new a thing or two.
Carol

Mine was always threatening to leave and take everything she had brought into the house with her.Oh how we wished!
As it is she has been dead thirteen years and it has not still all been cleared out.We can't believe how oeaceful it is here too.Apart from the stroke,my dadis a different man,he doesn't have a front up all the time.I think he had some idea that he had to go along with her so that I would not be spoiled,and he was scared of her too!

Oh Sharron, remember reading this thread back in 2008 which made me realise that my mother was narcissistic, the only blessing was she left when I was 10 yrs old, and I did not have much contact with her. But readiing your reply about your mother brought it back re pregnancy. I too was an only child and can always remember my mother telling me how awful pregnancy was, to the point I waited 11 yrs before having my 1st child as I was so scared, I then had 2 more, but she still kept telling me how bad it was, and what a naughty child I had been. Thankfully I have a great relationship with my children and grandchildren.
You all take care
Carol

That was very sad Jean but I am sure he died feeling loved which is one of the most important feelings there is.

I was lucky in that I ran away from home at 15 and refused to go back. Lived as a foster child with a very happy family, and got to know my Dad, who had been rejected when I was 11. My attitude all through life has been that I wont let anything beat me a,d having had lots of boyfriends and male friends, I found one who made me happy, and we have been together for nearly 55 yrs. And I still wont be beat! Worst thing was losing our son at early age of 42.

You also have to realize that I was an only child because my mother had had the worst ever pregnancy and birth experience in the history of womankind(couldn't get somebody else to do it for her) and I grew up on the myth of it all.
when she could milk no more from that she embarked upon the longest and most terrible menopause in the history of womankind.It was probably still going on until she diedunmourned at the age of 76.
Now I know the menopause was nothing to worry about I wonder if I would have been alright having babies but I only knew one kind of childhood and didn't want to go through it again from the other side.Wouldn't have had much to offer them anyway.

Hi Sharron

Being childless wasn't a deliberate decision for me, it was because I felt I would be ashamed. Didn't mingle in the right circles to meet men with settling down plans either for the same reason. How would I be able to say "this is Mr Right and we're going to do something normal"? Mind you, I do relish the fact that I live a contract free life with my partner - gawd, I'm such a let down lol.
I take your point about choosing not to have kids though.

Oh and I love a nice jar of warm real ale too but only fart when it's my turn 'cos I'm a laydee see.

I'm signing off for today.
Have a good evening.

Hallelujah!!!
I really feel like we are getting somewhere now.
I deliberately didn't have children either and I am very careful of other women too.
Most of my friends are men because I can relate to them,talking motors and stuff.(Drinking pints and farting!)
I wish a place in the highest level of Heaven to whoever wrote that article!

Hi Sarah
I didn't have children of my own - we were't to be like other people and have normal, natural aspirations see. As I was so much 'under the infuence' during my reproductive years I may well have behaved in the same way. This makes me think that it could be *nurture rather than nature that would create family clusters of this behaviour.
You have recognised this controlling behaviour so I don't think you will find yourself behaving in the same way. Don't be scared, be free.

*'nurture? you know what I mean lol

edit - by 'behave in the same way' I mean that I wouldn't have known any different.

What can I say. For some reason although I have been on here for years I had missed this thread until the other night. I read the thread and then found and printed off the article. It then started to make sense of so much about how the woman who gave birth to me is, I don't even like calling her my mother because little of what she did was mothering.

The really awful thing is that I can see the signs of this disorder in the last three generations of women in my family and it scares me, if I ever have children will I be the same?

I often wondered growing up if she was so horrible to me because I had a better relationship with my gran than she had? I know that she isolated me from my dad and my brother, although my dad was, and is, as much her victim as me.

It feels like such a weight has been lifted because I now have proof that it wasn't my fault, that nothing I could have done would have changed things and I feel like in a way I have been reborn.

Still feel I do not fit in. Have trouble making friends as was never allowed to have any. First time for ages I actually had coffee with a total stranger that I had met through another family history site. I had an amazing time and made a new friend. I only have a couple of friends I see sometimes. I am finding I am reaching out to others more now, that has taken a lot of effort that has been really worth while.

Gail