General Chat

I wouldn't mind betting that you and Sue share some kind of mannerism or characteristic of the person who abused your mum.Probably something really tiny that nobody else has noticed.Whatever it is you can be sure it is no fault of yours anyway.
I have a cousin whose mannerisms are similar to my mother's and they make me want to hit her with something heavy sometimes.
I bet you are feeling the benefit of letting it all outon here.Good innit?

Deb, I used the word 'you' wrongly really, I didn't mean you should necessarily feel sorry for your mother being abused but that outsiders could altho nothing excuses her continuing any abusive attitutudes to you and Sue.
I have all the Dave Pelzer books but can't bring myself to read them at the mo. He has a self help book out too, which received varied reviews. One brave man to pick himself up from all he suffered and to move on and forgive too.
Take care,
Lizxx

Hi Deb and all
narcissists develop one of two ways,either from an abusive childhood or from an extremely indulged childhood.
It is firmly in place in their characters by their late teens.
narcissists do not see that they have anything wrong with them which is why they are all but impossible to treat.
They always have a source of narcissistic supply which is why they single out a favoured child and everyone else is surplus to requirement remembering that they have no empathy and the world solely revolves around them.
They through experience are well aware of how they should behave and go to great lengths to produce the appropriate response although they dont feel it.
EG if someone drops dead in front of them there initial feeling is one of annoyance that it is putting them out but they know thats not the expected response so they will then put on whatever play they can bring to mind for the circumstance.

(thats why people think they are wonderful)
There is only 2 ways to deal with a narcissist,either understand them thoroughly so they nothing they do or say gets under your skin OR have nothing to do with them at all.
Im glad you are all getting support from each other on this
Regards Tania

As has been said..... this abuse seems to be the 'hidden abuse'......I have read 3 of David Pelzer's books.....a Boy Called It etc.....and found it so hard to understand why a child would be treated in such a wicked way.....

.....another thing I wondered, was why the other parent stood back and let it happen, and what about the golden child, they must have realised how differently they were treated.......or did they just keep their heads down and feel glad that it was not happening to them......

I know my friend had a lovely Dad, but he died young.......but I never had the heart to ask her why her Dad did not stop her Mother from behaving like a prize witch.....

I hope that more comes out of this, as one theme running through this thread seems to be that you have felt as if you were alone, and that you would not be believed.......I did believe what my friend told me, but admit that I thought it was rare for mothers to behave in this way..........I was wrong......

xxxxxxxs and hugs to all,

cant believe there are so many of us,

xxLynnxx

Tania,how did you find out about narcissism? I am not questioning you in any way but find it incredible that this knowledge is available,did you have to dig very hard to find it, and none of us had any incling about it. Many of us have been treated for stress and depression and the physical manifestations of them yet the medical profession seems oblivious.Do they think these things appear in us for no reason? Somebody with whom I was once aquainted had suffered something very similar and she was doing an OU psychology degree yet had never come across it.I'm sure we would have known if she had! If it achieves nothing else I hope this thread goes some way toward greater publicity of the condition.
Having said that,I did e-mail Kidscompany but the e-mail didn't get there.I will try ringing them but it won't be today,places to go people to winge to.

One answer for Sally Moonchild, my experience.

The golden or favoured child/children were encouraged to do the same. Got a pat on the head for doing so.

Thanks GranofOz.......that is what happened to my friend, her sister was very like her mother, and I think my friend took after her Dad......I don't like to ask questions, just listen to what is being said.....

I wonder what the favoured child thinks of themselves in later years though, when out of the direct influence of the mother.......have they ever sympathised or acknowledged that they were set apart by being favoured......

Hi Sharron
I came accross it 12 years ago because I married one.(divorced after 3 years)
My marriage guidance counsellor picked it first but didnt say anything until after we split.
She was really taken aback as she had read and learnt about them but he was her first experience of one.
She put me on the path to learning about personality disorders and saved me from a nightmare when we divorced because she knew exactly how they ticked.
EG he was fighting me for access to the baby,I was ready to fight him and she said NO give hime every day you wont see him.
sure enough he showed up twice in a YEAR!!!.
The great knock on thing about it was it gave my mother a name for my grandmother,who like your parent had been an abused child and had grown in to a classic narcissist.
My mother had a shocking child hood at the hands of "the nicest women"
My father put a stop to her by moving us to another country.
Anyway I have a pretty good knowledge about the old cluster B personality disorders Narcissistic personality disorder and Histrionic personality disorder so feel free to ask any questions

PS there are a lot of support groups for people affected by narcissists just google. Sam Vaknins suite 101 is a good place to start

Sally, they some of them become their mother. Only one of mine did not, but never acknowledged it and we have a reasonable relationship now. They also treat ALL their children as special. Still have a go at me though, but now I give it back as well. They do not like it much as still think they are favoured and can say what they like. Have learnt the hard way to put a stop to it.

They have all been good parents and have never seen any of this with their children, and I have looked for it.

As a child you don't know there is any other way.If Mummy says you are good then you are good and if the other one isbad,then,of course they are.
I was an only child but my dad would go off into the garden or the shed to keep away from her so I had the full brunt.I don't think he knew what to make of it,like it was some sort of mother daughter relationship that he couldn't be expected to understand.He would get angry and punish me sometimes.I dealt with that when I was fourteen,suffice to say he never hit me again.All he really had to go on was the things she told him.
He could,I believe,have been a lot more help to me,he knew about her personality.
Yes,he was on the convoys in the war,somebody down the pub told me that,not him.I do wonder if he could have found a little girl to go whether he would not have bothered but stayed in the shed.Cynical,moi?

Until I came across this thread I had never heard of this. Learnt to deal with it in my own way and no longer have any problem, as let it go and raised my own very differently. I think because I do have good coping skills, and it takes a lot to phase me.

Life is too short to hold grudges. I am also comfortable with myself.

Sharron I think you will find in those days if you were clean and well fed that people felt kids were ok.
They had no idea of how to put a name on emotional neglect or abuse.
If he left her people would have thought he was mad as she was probably to all outsiders doing her job well.
I know its no consolation to you but hopefully you will be able to work through it.
Tania
PS I hope people get a handle on personality disorders too.
A couple of years ago I was friendly with a woman online and she was raving on about her daughters new boyfriend.
Slowly other the months all the warning bells were going off as he sounded like a classic narcissist.
i explained the condition to her but she was sure I was mistaken.
Her daughter went on to have 2 children with him and now sure enough he has shown all his true colours,and they are trying to extract their daughter and grandchildren from a situation that is nearly impossible because narcissists dont like to give up there supply

My mum was very clever about it.. I am VERY protective of my family, and even though mum treated me terribly, I would defend her till the end.. She has trained me so well that she could do anything and I would still protect her.. she would give me enough niceness to keep me going and then just when I thought it was safe she would take it all away again - if that makes sense...
Even now.. sometimes I can go round to see mum and we get on great - we laugh and talk and share stuff.. and then other times I can go round and she is nothing but evil - I never know which mother I am going to get when I go round there.
I have come to realise and accept that I am never going to have the relationship with my mum like she does with my sister.. they are like best friends and I am always excluded.. and thats ok I guess.. I have my partner who is brilliant with me and we are building our own little world :-)

Emma x

Tania,I wasn't clean and I was grossly overfed.He bought me sweets to placate his guilt I believe and food was the nearest thing I had to affection.I think I was meant to pop out of the womb ready to do the housework,it was all my mess apparently!Funny I never could remember smoking all the cigarettes that left the hundreds of dog-ends in the hearth!
Housework involved him coming in and making a remark about some sort of complaint about a part of the chaos that displeased him particularly and then her giving me several hours of grief about how I never lifted a finger.
Apparently it was not his "place" to do the housework and nobody helped him in the garden.Now,my mother hated housework with a vengeance but did enjoy a bit of gardening and,would you believe it,his hobby was gardening.I think,probably,being the little princess at home,my mother had never done any housework and was horrified to find it didn't do itself.

I feel like putting my arms around all of you and giving you a cuddle. So great big ((((((((((HUGS))))))))) to everyone.

n

Thank you GranofOz for answering my questions, I don't want to be intrusive, but any question on this painful subject would be........it is all very powerful stuff, and Gran you must be very together to have the attitude to life you have......

I did wonder about the golden child thing, because my friend's sister was just that, and is so like the mother, even now, and does not acknowledge that anything is wrong.........when to an outsider it most definitely is.........I suppose, as has been said, as a child you do not know any different, except that you can do no wrong.......

My Dad often described himself as the whipping boy of the family, as he got the copperstick across his back for so many minor things, and lies his older sister told.......but that is a different condition his mother had.......and a different story which does not belong with yours.....

It must hurt talking about your past and remembering.......I hope in some way that by discussing it with others who have had to put up with the same, you can in some way help each other......x

As a child I remember cleaning and tidying the house whilst my Mum was at work. I wanted to surprise her and please her. It was always the same response though, she would always comment on what I had not done and never notice what I had done.

Even when I became an adult with a child of my own, I would visit and she would expect me to clean and tidy her house. Eventually I stood up to her and said I have come to visit you and spend time with you. If I wanted to do housework I would have stayed at home and done my own. She never expects it now.

I found out years ago that the best way to deal with people like this is to exclude them from your life, after all you wouldn't tolerate this sort of behaviour from a stranger so why take it from your own Mother. There have been several occasions where I cut her out of my life, sometimes for months at a time. I think we have finally come to an understanding over the years but every now and again she still tries it on. She even criticises me in front of my husband and suggests that he agrees with her that I am in the wrong thus undermining my marriage. Poor hubby gets stuck in the middle and thinks its funny, Mother and daughter bitching at each other, but this is serious stuff. I am so glad I have found people on here who will understand where I am coming from.

Thanks Lainey x