Genealogy Chat

Lou sent me a message last night and kept me updated as to what was going on 'as it happened' almost - so Joan, she certainly wasn't alone - Lou has entrusted me' off thread' with info and run thoughts past me - and last night i was nearly as excited as her. Lou So glad it has turned out the way it has for you- totally respect your strength and ability to take things at face value. From hopeless, 3 days ago th ethe place you are now....... amazing! Are you a puffed up balloon at the moment? Stay that way and try not to worry - if the meeting happens it happens and if not, well. you have still achieved so much. away for easter, as you know,so take care all of you Jess

Hiya Joan here.Totally mixed up by all and who I am helping. By talking to one adoptee tonight I find I am neglecting another one who wanted to talk to me. I am so sorry not being here for those who want to talk but I am torn myself - I feel I need to be here for anyone who wants to talk (and as everyone knows I talk for England) but at the end of the day they get it off their chest. I am in the middle and totally involved in about 3 'trying for reunions'. Not easy for me keeping up with aka names on this board and with their real names and the first surnames of who they are seeking and their now names. It does get a bit confusing for me but I do try to keep it all together. I think I have brought together 2 of the searches today but had one rejection. It hits me as bad as the searcher because I feel I have failed in my 'duty'. I wish I had a magic wand and could make it all work out wonderfully for everyone but I know not everyone gets the' happy every after' I am sorry to say. I do my best but at times my best isn't good enough. God bless to all searchers and I hope that all their dreams and wishes come true. Much love to everyone Joan

Hello Lou I am sat her in tears reading what you have posted and realised you wanted to contact me but couldn't. I have been chatting to another adoptee that really needed to talk. I cannot believe how you and Dorothy have 'clicked' tonight - being aware of all the circumstances (not many on these boards know what the background is). I am so very pleased I have been instumental in this reunion and I hope and pray that the both of you can go forward together in what you both want in life. Much love Joan

Hi Lou, I'm so happy for you. It is such a treasured moment I'm sure you'll never forget. Every little step is a bonus and how many did you take during the phone call? Your brothers knowing all about you is one step, wanting to meet you for so long is two etc... I'm sure things will be just fine now that you have the hardest part out of the way. As you said if nothing else comes forward you have at least gained the information you set out to achieve. The waiting for the phone to ring is a real killer!! Talk about tearing out your hair! I'm sure I already have a bald spot or two!! Believe it or not I had actually logged off ready to get some kip when I had to just turn everything back on and look again. Take care of yourself. Now go and have a stiff drink and take some time to register it all. Love Jules xx

Hi Peeps Well I promised you an update this evening if there was anything to tell so here I am. I've just spent an hour on the phone to my birth mum...totally weird! We did the 'Hello' bit and then both burst out laughing, agreeing that we'd mentally prepared 'this moment' in our heads for years but now we didn't have a clue what to say. Anyway, she explained the circumstances around my adoption which were pretty much as I'd been told and confirmed that my half brothers ARE aware of my existance and have wanted to meet me since they were about 11 so she's looking forward to being able to tell them that we've spoken. She told me loads about her children and their lives and about her problems over the past few years since losing her husband quite suddenly and about where she's now living and what she's been doing. She said that she was quite ill a few years ago and at the time close family members wanted to try and find me for her but she wouldn't let them, she didn't say why, maybe a fear that I'D reject HER, I don't know. Anyway, she has a great support system in the lady that initially contacted Joan and she's off on holiday for a couple of weeks on Sunday so I've given BM my phone number and told her she can ring me anytime she likes if she feels she wants to talk. Other than that we're going to arrange to meet on neutral territory for a coffee and a chat once her friend returns from her jollies. I'd been totally calm thr whole way thru the conversation and then when we came to end it and she thanked me for finding her and said that she'd waited 34 years for the chance to explain and to tell me that she never wanted to part with her beautiful baby girl and I just lost the plot! Held it together till we put the phone down then had a cry. But I'm fine now....will see what happens, but I've spoken to her now and that's what I wanted to do. If she never rings me again, I know about my past, I have the medical history I wanted and I have the explanation I so badly needed and I know that she's content in the knowledge that she did the right thing. I had a wonderful life with my adoptive parents and she has nothing to feel guilty about Lou xxxx

lorraine, hopefully your adoption file will be enough to fulfill you need to know why- maybe in your heart of hearts you know why - she was unmarried and times were different back in the sixties. I too yearn to speak to my half brothers ,as you know, and never give up hope, mine were all older, guess yours being younger may not even know you exist. I am told by my B/M that my two half brothers don't know about 'me'- as they were 12 and 14 at the time - and no she didn't go away to have me - then they were either blind or stupid! jess

hi everyone thank you everyone for your kind words and genuine they are as are mine, i did have the most wonderful adoptive parents that anyone could want, they were there thru good times and bad, when i was ill they were there,they gave me a wonderful and happy and fulfilled childhood,they were the BEST. but to know i have siblings that i cant contact is hard. i am still having tears i look at my own children, and feel so much love towards them its unbelievable. I know it may have been hard for her in 1964 but the circumstances were not my fault, i feel i have and deserve to know why i was put up for adoption i dont think that is to much to ask, i think that birth mothers who put their child up for adoption, should put themselves in our shoes a need to know WHY thats all, and be given an honest answer with love lorraine xxx

Tell you what Lou, When you finally see her or a picture I bet you wil recognise her! There is no way you could live that close and not recognise her! Jules xx Jess, Enjoy your few days away. Enjoy your time with your parents. Shall miss you. have a safe journey. love Jules xx

The other freaky thing which I forgot to mention before is that my birth mother lives 6 streets away from where I lived for 5 years and judging by when she moved there, we were 'neighbours' for almost 6 months. I could have stood next to her in the train station, at Tesco, anywhere, and not known it was her! Lou

Hi Lorraine, Just back online again. I'm so stunned. I really thought she would agree to talk to you. I know it really hurts at the mo but take time to grieve this part. There may still be hope with other family members yet. Give yourself a little space and time and have a few tears. Just remember one thing. You are the most imporant person and a damned special one at that. You didn't do anything wrong at all I promise. I felt the same way myself as many of us do. It's not your fault you were adopted any more than it is our fault we too were adopted. Some were extremely blessed with our adoptive parents, some like most 'normal' families and the small few got the rest! I was told by a very special lady yesterday that you can not lay blame at your feet for the sins of your fathers. In other words, it was not your fault, you were not an evil child or any other thing that will pop into your head. You were a baby. You were born for a reason. You were born to be a special gift to your adoptive parents who loved you unconditionally all of your life. That is something to be proud of. You have no reason to feel guilt or shame. Focus on the positive when things have settled a little. If you ever need to talk we are all here for you. Off the boards if you prefer. Just know that you are never alone. You have a beautiful family to be proud of who also love you. Take strength and comfort from them. Am thinking of you and sending cyber hugs Jules xx

Hi Lorraine, So sorry to hear that your birth mother wants no contact. The same thing happened to my husband. After writing to her (which took him a long time to write)she wrote back expressing she wanted no contact with him. She did tell him about family ailments but the letter was very short and I just wish she could have said that she was glad that he had lovely adopted parents and a very happy childhood. We suspect that she had never told her husband and children about Tony. Tony knows of at least 2 half siblings. His half brother is actually on this site and that hurts that he can't contact him. Tony has never been bitter towards his birth mother, she was only 16yrs, in the late 1950's you did what your parents told you to do. You never know one day she might change her mind and contact Tony. Never blame yourself, you have done nothing wrong Best Wishes Maxine

Jess Have a wonderful weekend away, babe, you certainly deserve it. I'm still not pinning my hopes on anything. I've been promised a further update this evening but we'll wait and see whether it comes. Lou xx

I've only been away an hour or two- and lookat you all Some good some bad, - both sides of the coin - and all sorts of outcomes - acceptance, part acceptance, rejection, part rejection - can i have a coin with 4 sides? Rejected once when were born is something we have all had to come to terms with, what ever the reason for our adoption - and yet we all set ourselves up for it again - resillient? we need to be foolish?- perhaps determined - oh yes but at the end of it all still human beings with feelings that hurt. ...and no, despite the promise from his wife, my B brother still hasn't rung....deflating fast! jess x who is going to see her Mum and dad for Easter - the real Mum and Dad that love me unconditionally (fortunately!) and the ones that really count

hi lou thank you so much for that, yes it does hurt, quite badly at the moment, i know that my mum and dad were the best parents i could have wished for, and i miss them both terribly if they hadnt adopted me then i wouldnt have the husband i have know who is a kind and gently person and i wouldnt have the 5 most beautiful and caring children that a mother could wish for but i just need to know the reason WHY. i have wondered if i to am a secret i dont know, i have wondered if contact could be made with any of the other children not that i would do that myself i have no wish to cause anyone any upset in their lives. my thoughts and blessings are with you lou and with jess and jules i hope you all get what you wish for with love lorraine xxx

Lorr, babe, I don't know what to say other than I'm so very very sorry. Of course it wasn't anything to do with you, do NOT even start to think that. SHE made the decision to have you adopted, either on her own or with coercion from other family members. The fact that she doesn't wish to have contact is no reflection on you. That's HER loss, she's missing out on finding out what a wonderful woman her daughter has grown in to. I really hope that your adoption file gives you the answers you want, if not I'd write a letter and send it. Say you appreciate that she doesn't want actual contact but you'd like to know the circumstances around your adoption and any family medical history that you NEED to know about. Thinking of you sweetheart Lou xx

hi guys just thought i would bring you all up to date, sadly for me my reunion will not happen for what ever reason my birth mum has no wish to have contact with me, joan was wonderful, for all of you out there i am so pleased that things seem to be going so well for you i mean that from the bottom of my heart i really do. How do i feel at the moment very deflated yes i have cried, what hurts is the fact that i know she had four other children after me and kept them,i had tried to prepare myself for this, but it still hurts when it is said, so now i will have to wait and see what my adoption file says, i need to know WHY i was put up for adoption, was i really that bad, maybe i was, maybe she didnt have the support she needed as an unmarried mum who knows, but i do need to know the reason why. with all the love to you all lorraine xxx

Hi Lou, I'm so happy that at last you can start to prepare yourself for what comes next. It may be a bit of a bumpy road emotionally but I'm sure that things will sort themselves out and you can begin to heal yourself. That might not be quite the right terminology but it's how I look at my situation. Before I can move on with my life I had to find myself and my family. I'm not fully healed yet but I'm on the road to recovery. I've always felt defective as though I was never good enough for anyone, wether that be my birth parents or my adoptive parents. I know deep down that I have done the right thing in doing my search as hard as it has been at times. On the other hand I will become a much stronger person because of it. I wish you all the luck in the world and send you lots of cyber hugs. luv Jules xx

Jules I know what you mean about it not quite being the outcome you had expected or wanted but hopefully there's a kind of inner peace now at least you have the facts and you know where you came from which is what you set out to seek. It was lovely to talk to Joan last night after she had spoken to someone actually connected to my birth family, even if some of the information came as a huge shock. Knowing what I know now I'm SO glad that I took the 'softly softly' approach in attempting to contact my BM as apparantly she is quite fragile mentally, a result of a combination of recent events in her life but also, in part, down to the feeling of guilt about the adoption. I was not her first child, which was the biggest shock, I have an older brother too, who she kept with the support of her parents. When she discovered she was pregnant with me, it appears they were not prepared to accept a '2nd mistake' and insisted that I was adopted. I don't really know anything else (not that is appropriate to disclose on the board anyway!) but Joan is going to suggest to the lady she spoke to last night that she and I talk before going any further. My BM has been told that I am looking for her and apparantly she 'freaked' at first but is calming down now that the shock has worn off! Will keep you posted Lou x

Update from me! Had a reply from new ad I placed in paper. L and M knew my Dad. They gave me their phone number and I phoned.......... It turned out that a dj on GMR saw the ad and phoned L and M to tell them about it. M knew instinctively that I was looking for my dad even though I hadn't stated that in the ad (just put his name and desripction etc). We had a chat on the phone firstly then M said she will try and find some photos for me and that I could go round and met her and L. She said she'd be able to tell if I was his daughter just by looking at me and also she asked if I could bring some photos of my mum, me and my kids. She did warn me that if it was him there was bad news. He had died 14 years ago. Murdered actually. I don't know why but I kind of expected him to be dead to be honest. Can't explain it. I had to find out about him anyway. As soon as we parked the car and got out I felt really, really sick. I knew for definate then it was my dad. My hubby and I met L and M. As soon as I walked in M caught a look of my dad in me. They told me quite a bit about him. I showed them a couple of photos of mum and M recognised her. That meant dad had brought mum to their house. He practically lived with L and M. He always brought the girls home to meet them. So that was a good sign. Apparently he was extremely intelligent as was his mum and grandad (professor). Dad had gotten into a well noted Grammer school at the age of 9 but had left early thru boredom as he didn't see the point in it. That is my son D all over. He too is extremely intelligent. At least I now know where he got it from! My son J is the spit of dad but dad had a slimmer face. My son D is the spit of dad's brother P but P had a fuller face. P now lives in another country that has nice lamb!! I on the other hand look more like grandad, great grandad and dad's sister G. We have similar traits. Easily fell in love and out again. Dad got this from his mum and I followed him. M hit the nail on the head on trying explain my dad and woman. 'he was like a lost soul. It was as though he searching for the love he didn't get from home' Boy did she get that right for me! That's exactly how I had felt all of my life. All I ever wanted was for my adoptive dad to love me and for my birth mum to come to take me home and love me too. Dad always had to have the last word even if he was in the wrong! I said to my hubby 'who does that sound like?' ME ME ME ME!!!! M and L are lovely wonderful and warm people and I can't thank them enough for what they have already done for me. They have given me that final piece of the puzzle that was missing. Yes, it wasn't the outcome anyone wants but I know have the knowledge I seeked. The journey isn't over by a long shot yet it's still only just beginning. I'm now trying to plan a trip to Holland in the near future to pay my respects to dad and who knows what else may come my way by then. I may have the opportunity to get in contact with my half sister or any of the family. Who can say what will happen. From all that L and M have told me about dad I'm not ashamed of him. I still love him and always will. After all he is still my dad. M doesn't think dad had been told about me. If he did he would have been around. He loved kids. He was a great man. A brilliant man and he is sadly missed by his friends L and M and many others I'm sure. I know my time will come when i will get the chance to meet him myself but until that time I have some lovely stories stored in my memory and a couple of pictures of him. And not to mention two new friends without whom I would still be searching. Thankyou L and M. Lots of love to you both. I don't feel bitter about it. Yes I do feel upset that he's not here but I just had to know about my past no matter what. Having the love and support from you guys has been wonderful and an inspiration to me. It has given me heaps of empathy for others who are in the same situation and makes me want to help others if I can. I also am starting another little search!! I know what you're gonna tell me! Joan told me last nite too. But to be honest I'd rather be busy than to sit around and dwell on things I can't change. To all who are still searching NEVER GIVE UP and STAY POSITIVE.

Back again !! Just read ur updates. Jess, I like your analogy with the ballon. with my searching I have found myself at all stages at once then jump back and forth. I class my balloon as full on mum's side as everything is still going great there. I still miss mum but I know she is with me always and she is looking after my little girl. I had this confirmed last night. On Dad's side, well I can't decide. Perhaps i'm at all 3 stages. Will explain in a mo. Hope things have improved with your brother since we last had a chat. I know it isn't easy when you want to talk things thru with a 'real' rellie and they are a little reluctant. It can get very frustrating at times. Try to see if you can find another window to open instead. As Maria said to herself (sound of music) when God closes a door somewhere he opens a window. I'm not a religious buff, but it has helped me to realise that I have to try to stay positive and somehow I will find a way to find the answers I am looking for when I am ready for them. It doesn't help to be impatient as I am, but that's me!! Stay strong. Lou, Glad to see things have started to work out a little for you. I know the relief I felt when I knew I wasn't this deep dark filthy little secret I had been made out to possibly be. It was like having a great weight lifting off my shoulders. All families have skeletons in their closets. It's just that some have more than others. Glad to know you feeling a little better. Stay strong. Donna, Glad to hear that you have been in touch with your sister and that all is going well. Your Aunty may just need a little time to come around to you being back in her life. Just try to give her a little space and let her come to you when she's ready. Stay strong. lorraine, Glad things have been going well for you too. And yes, Joan is a great woman. i don't know what I would have done without her to be honest. Stay strong.