Genealogy Chat

Thank you everyone, especially Christine for your lovely words. It is 2 weeks today that BIL's mother would have received his last letter. I have sent my BIL's mother a card today, one of those blank on the inside, (I had BIL's blessing) My sister & I have been so worried about him since his Gran died, and he is obviously got so much to deal with right now, that to top it all he could have another letter arriving anytime telling him to leave her alone/never write again etc... I put this Dear Mrs H**** My name is Sammy, I am R**** sister, R**** & your son have been together long enough for me to consider him my brother-in-law. It was with my help that your son found you, and I know of the letters he has sent to you and also of the reply he received from your carer, Mrs Jones. I write to you with ****'s best interests to tell you that his Gran died on Friday. I have tried to think of the magic words that will tug at your heart, and encourage you to contact your son, but his last letter has not touched you.... then maybe there just aren't any. All I ask is that you do not send another rejection letter. **** has been so down since the letter from your carer, saying you are very ill & do not wish to have contact. He is now devastated at the death of his Grandmother, as you can imagine. If ever there was the perfect time to receive a postive response from you, this is it. He is a lovely man and you would be proud of him and his family. If you could find it in your heart to get in touch with him, I know he would be the happiest person on earth. I am ever hopeful that this will have a happy ending for **** Kind regards Sammy I also enclosed the cutting from tonights local newspaper with his Gran's death announcement. My BIL is mentioned specifically, so I am pleased his father at least did that for him, although his father's partner (the one who did not want BIL around 33yrs ago) has said he shouldn't be grieving, he has no right, he was JUST HER GRANDSON! I have no words for the contempt I feel for that woman, and I've never met her. The funeral is Friday at 9am. I'll keep you all informed Very grateful for the support from you all....you're smashing Sam xxx

Ah Sammy, Sorry to read your BIL's news - you have been so supportive and have had a lot on your plate too. My thoughts are with you all. love Christine ps this is one of my favourites hope it's of some comfort Do not stand at my grave and weep, I am not there, I do not sleep. I am a thousand winds that blow. I am the diamond glint on snow. I am the sunlight on ripened grain. I am the gentle autumn rain. When you wake in the morning hush, I am the swift, uplifting rush Of quiet birds in circling flight. I am the soft starlight at night. I am the song that will never end. I am the love of family and friend. I am the child who has come to rest In the arms of the Father who knows him best. When you see the sunset fair, I am the scented evening air. I am the joy of a task well done. I am the glow of the setting sun. Do not stand at my grave and weep, I am not there, I do not sleep. Do not stand at my grave and cry. I am not there, I did not die!

Dear Sam, I'm still following this thread and today checked in only to find sad news, so sorry to hear about your Bil@s nan, please accept my condolences, to you , your BIL and family .

Dear Sammy, I also have been reading all the messages of support for your BIL, my thoughts are with him at this difficult time.His letter to his mother reduced me to tears.My father was told by his mother she never wanted to see him again because he called the doctor in as she was not looking after herself(shortened version). My dad was so hurt and afraid of rejection that he kept putting off getting back in touch. Needless to say, when he finally made his choice to try again he found out his mother had died, then the guilt of it should have been done sooner.Tell BIL to follow his heart, rejection is hard but it does heal in time, at least he would have done everything humanly possible. Hope something can be sorted. Best wishes to everyone concerned Jenny

Dear Sammy I've been following this thread, with only an occasoinal contribution - but this is definitely time for another. Please add my condolences to your BiL in the midst of such a stressful and poignant time. As to his father's contribution - perhaps father has lost sight of the fact that BiL is not only his son (i.e. child) but a grown adult, now. Does BiL feel he can tell his father that he is grateful for the kind offer to look after everything, but he (BiL) really would like to have a significant part in the process as part of his own grieving and in acknowledgement of all his grandparents have done for him. This could be seen as less confrontational, whilst still providing an opportunity for input. best wishes Christine

Dear Sammy, have been reading this thread from the start, never had anything interesting to add so I never bothered. You and BIL seem to be getting plenty of help,suggestions etc. But at this sad time in BILs life I would like to say how very sorry I was to read of the passing of his Nan. I well know the feeling when your world collapes around you at the death of someone whose heart beats with yours, (my Grandma) But though things are now rocky and patchy, they do get better ,-eventually- 'memories make the warmest blanket' (my grandma used to say.) But I am sure it doesn't feel like it at the moment. Please pass on my sympathies to your BIL and your sister. Keep on being there for them, as I am sure you are their 'ROCK' at this time. Regards Anna x also with tears in her eyes

Sammy, I just don't know what to say. I couldn't believe what I was reading, that this happened especially at this time. I hope BIL finds the inner strength to cope with things at the moment. My heart goes out to him and his Grandad. Thank God he has you all for family. Take care, Glenys x

I have been following the thread for a while now. Please send my condolences to your BIL. I do hope that there is light at the end of this tunnel. x

Sam, Really sorry to hear this sad news and am passing through to offer my condolences. At the time, we never know 'why now' or 'why this', but somehow with the passage of time, things become clearer. It is another 'turning point' in BIL's life - OK a desperately sad one, but still a major life-affecting or changing occurence. He won't be able to think of anything positive right now and will be doggedly hanging onto every happy memory - they do stay with you anyway, but you only find that out later. More than anything, he'll need people to 'be there' for him - and Sam, I can't think of anyone better to do that for him than you, you've been such a loyal friend. Love to you all Jane (now with tears in eyes too)

Hi So sorry for your family. Have followed this thread but never posted until now. Love and Sympathy sent from this home to yours. Lyndy xx

Dear Sammy, I was just checking your thread for any news, this is a terrible time for anyone to go through, let alone when your BIL is trying to deal with his BM. My heart goes out to you and your family, I lost my Dad last month, he was my Mum's carer, so I know how BIL feels. I'm crying with you. Hope his Grandad will be ok. Much love Amanda x

Both grandparents had made provision for their funerals

Everyone takes shock and grief differently - His father's reaction is possibly the only way he can deal with it. As long as your BIL is there for his grand dad they will get through it together. Your BIL just has to make sure his father doesn't run roughshod over his grand dads wishes and they end up with not the send off that his Nan would have wanted. Regarding the funeral it is the person who arranges it that pays - so if his grand dad is on low income and he arranges the funeral then he can apply for the DSS allowance. (check first if eligible). However if his father arranges it and he's not on DSS he can't claim the allowance and the costs soon mount up. I arranged a very basic funeral few weeks ago that was wonderful - couldn't have been bettered if I'd spent an extra £1,000 - so more expensive doesn't mean better. My thoughts and prayers are with your BIL, his Grand dad and your sister.

Dear Sammy I am so sorry for your BIL. It makes you realise just how precious life is. Maybe this will help him 'take the bull by the horns' with the situation with his BM. Life is too short!

So sorry to hear the news, your Brother-in-law has had more than his fair share of heartache. it sounds like he has a lovely extended family that will help to ease the pain.best wishes to All of you at this sad time in his life. MOE!

Thank you, your thoughrs are really appreciated, even with tears rolling down my face :) thank you for the poetry , I'll pass it on Sam P.S. I am sure my BIL will be there for his grandad, especially where his nan's wishes are concerned, it's just that his father's response on the 'phone this moring was ''Don't worry I'll handle everything'' which sounded vey much like a ''Butt out'' comment to my BIL

Totally Confused....you said what I wanted to but probably said it better.... Hope things turn out OK for BIL You can shed tears that she is gone or you can smile because she has lived. You can close your eyes and pray that she'll come back or you can open your eyes and see all she's left. Your heart can be empty because you can't see her or you can be full of the love you shared. You can turn your back on tomorrow and live yesterday or you can be happy for tomorrow because of yesterday. You can remeber her and only that she's gone or you can cherish her memory and let it live on. You can cry and close your mind, be emply and turn your back or you do what she'd want: smile, open your eyes, love and go on. Jacquie xx

I know it doesnt seem it, but this seems so fateful at this time doesnt it? Who knows why this should happen at this point and what it may lead to? My thoughts are with the poor man, he must be knocked sideways.

Hello Sammy, I have been following this thread since the start, and I send my condollences to your BIL, what a sad blow at a time when he is trying to deal with so much, I think he needs to stand up to his father for his Grandads sake, I wrote this for my son inlaw when his father died in March this year, I hope you like it. Life is like a patchwork quilt Some large some very small It's made up of precious memories As through life we trawl Hundreds of tiny stitches We sew in it every day We leave this quilt behind us When we have to go away This quilt serves a purpose For the ones we had to leave Its to wrap the love around them And help them whilst they grieve. Sending love and good thoughts to you all. Best wishes. Pat

Ain't life just so b****y unfair. As if your b-i-l hasn't enough to contend with at the moment - no wonder he's devastated. Like everyone else on this thread my warmest thoughts go out to him. Would he feel strong enough, I wonder, to have a private word with the undertaker, to put him in the picture about his grandfather's wishes? Liz