Genealogy Chat

Thank you Len but my BIL has done everything possible to get info about his mother, he's met brickwalls all round. Social Services say due to client confidentiality they cannot discuss anything with him. They have quoted that to him with every question, even when asking if she is being looked after properly. He has no idea who her doctor is, but I presume he would give the same response, especially when BIL tells him he hasn't seen his mother since he was 3 and is now 36.

Sammy, Having had my wife work as a care'er for an elderly lady, I would treat the statement by the person who looks after your brother-in-laws mother with the greatest suspicion, they have no right to give instructions like that, if neccessary get him to contact his mother's doctor for info and the the DSS health section, most Care'er's come under their umbrella. When my wife was working the relative's were informed of anything of importance which might have affected them right up to the time of death. Dont accept information from that source- check it out!!!!!!! Len

hi sammy is there any grandchildren who can tell him straight that he is going to have some help my aunt had the same problem with my nan and i just put my foot down i got the health vistor to come and then the dr and told him that my nan was to go in hospital(she was bad) or it would be is problem if she died here cause she was not eating or drinking u do after keep on to these people or they will walk all over u another think u can say is you are leaveing him on his own so so he will be in danger see what they say

Hi Sammie, I'm only to pleased to help, In most cases like your BIL's Grandad, when they loose the partener they seem to go downhill rapidly. It seems like they give up and don't care anymore. Which is hard on the people close to them as they are also greiving as well. I hope all turns out well for you all. Best wishes. Pat

There's an idea Pat, about going away and grandad having even a few days in respite. Thank you I'll definitely mention that to my BIL Sam

Hi Sammy Just to let you know that I am still with your thread. About Grandad, could your BIL arrange respite care for him in a home for a week or two and tell him he is going on holiday. He may accept that, rather than telling him he is going into care for a week or two. Your BIL will have to be firm and tell the authorities that he is going away and has things to sort out. He needs a brake as they won't do anything whilst he is appearing to be coping with the situation. They have to many demands on the services and not enough resources to go around. Great news about the new car by the way, I bet he is chuffed. Best wishes. Pat

Thanks all XXXXXXXXXXXX

Still with you and thinking of you Sammy - keep your chin up love Christine

Hi Sammy, Just checking in too, what can we do when they FLATLY refuse? I wish I had the answer, but for now we carry on as best as we can. Hope BIL is as ok as he can be, and you and your sister as well. Amanda x

Hi Sammy, Stilll tuned in and watching,,, BIL must be one chuffed fella being able to get behind the wheel of his own car,,,,,perhaps when the time is right he will maybe want to go to Wales even if its just to see where she lives, been there and done it belive me it does help just seeing where they are. Hope his Grandad is coping better,it does take time, Kay.

Nope Sioux... still no news Are you still visiting Aberystwyth? Hope you son is all better :) The doctor is aware of BIL's grandad's situation, very much so, there have been lots of visits, but what can be done when the person refuses help? And I mean FLATLY refuses. So BIL continues to stay with him, he used to stay 5 nights a wk anyway, now he stays 7. I think it's more the emotional stress rather than the physical running about, that is difficult. Thanks for all staying with me. By the way, my BIL bought his very first car last week! He immediately mentioned Aberystwyth, he has just shelved the idea of a visit for a little while Sam

Still hanging in there for you Sammy. Presuming you've had no news?? XX Sioux

Sammy. I have been reading your thread from the beginning and like everyone else I am upset and concerned for your relative. Granddad needs some help even though he may not realise or want it. Is he suffering from dementia and has the death of his wife just made the situation worse?. His doctor needs to be informed about his behaviour as he will get him the help quicker than most. He may need some respite in a residental home until he comes to terms with his wifes death. Right now he's in denial and obviously cant cope. Perhaps going to a home for 2 weeks or so and having others around him will help. As mentioned before there are some mean spirited caregivers who go into homecare to rip people off. At least in a residential home he wont be on a one to one situation and any money he may have will be locked away for safety. Hope the situation resolves itself soon. Will keep reading Margaret

Sammy, Yes, I'm still here too ... I'm disappointed BIL hasn't heard from his Mother, however I'm APALLED by the treatment or lack of it that his Grandfather is receiving. He, sis, or you needs to 'raise the profile' of his case in order to get quicker attention. We had a similar situation with a 90+ year old Gt Aunt. If you pester (politely) and keep telling them that he's 'at risk' - try the local authority as well - you might get some action. Why are are old folk treated in this way? I feel passionately about this. They've given their service (one way or another) to the country and community within which they live - and what do we do, we brush them under the carpet. The Government doesn't do much either - token gestures prior to an election! Sorry to rant on your thread. I do hope that your family can see some hope and brighter days soon. Much love Jane x

Dear Sammy, I'm still with your thread. What else can we do when they won't accept help? Help the Aged are also coming to see my Mum, she met them in hospital, they suggested that she had a live in helper, she simply won't do that no matter what happens. Why do these elderly folk have so much cash around, my Mum is exactly the same but she doesn't know where it is now except that it is there somewhere. Love Amanda x

Hi Sammy, Still ever hopeful for all of you, ,BIL's Grandad must be heartbroken and he is at a loss bless him,,perhaps a change of scenery for a few hours may help,,. Kay,,

Morning all His mother is in Aberystwyth. I think half of him wanted to rush straight there (a 3 - 4 hr drive, he doesn't have a car) and the other half is saying ''but she doesn't want to see you'' His grandad has lost the plot, he's in a 3rd floor flat and throws all his rubbish straight out of the window! He walks to the shop for a newspaper and has usually got £800 in his pocket! He is telling people that his wife died 3yrs ago, bless him. BIL's grandparents had already been burgled twice, by conmen claiming to be from the water board etc.. They got them to watch a running tap whilst the men rummaged through the doors, they got away with £500 on one occasion. Isn't it sickening that our elderly are treated this way. Help The Aged had been consulted, but there is a 10wk wait for help to be initiated, perhaps that's just our area. BIL's gran died during that wait. Sam

Like Gwyneth in Kent, I have been in a situation where a 'care taker' benefitted greatly by keeping family members away from a very ill family member. For months she wouldn't even let us have a phone conversation with her. We were not even aware that she was ill. We were always told that she was 'napping' or 'unable to come to the phone' I'm sure that the poor lady thought that we didn't care about her. Fortunately, I caught on to what the 'care giver' was doing when it was almost too late. I was with her when she died, and the lawyers took care of the 'care giver'. That is just my experience.I would advise your brother inlaw to go and see her as soon as possible. He is her next of kin, and I'm sure rightful heir and should be her executor.He has every right, and I am sure can handle it in a very diplomatic way. Good luck.

Hi Sammy So sorry to hear of all BIL's (and your) difficulties. Not sure whether you have told us and I missed it or not but can u say which town Mother is in? Beth :)

Dear Sammy, As long is your thread is here I will read it. So sorry to hear Grandad didn't go, I was in the opposite situation, spent the night before at the hospital with my Mum and if they admitted her, which she needed, she wouldn't have been able to attend the funeral, so they let her go home. Hope you and BIL are ok as you can be. Love Amanda x