Genealogy Chat

Bearing in my mind I don't know what i'm talking about... :) Although your BIL wasn't adopted through an agency it might be worth contacting an adoptees support agency. They should be able to advise him of mediation services available to those wishing to contact long-lost parents. Also - I certainly would not recommend turning up on her doorstep. She may be genuinely ill and a huge shock like that may polish her off. Supposing she has had a heart attack or stroke etc.... Social services may have nothing to do with her 'carers' - they may be paid for privately or may even just be home helps. My mother, who lived with me, had someone who was really a cleaner/ 'someone to talk to' and she liked to refer to herself as a carer. Julie

Good advice Jess.............When I read my message again it does look like I meant get angry with them. I didnt actually mean that! I meant be positive + firm. I have been on the receiving end of angry phone calls etc + you are right it doesnt work.

Good, at least he has made the call. I used to work in the health and social care dept of my local CC - When i say sub-contracted out i mean - if say she is in a financially secure position she may have to pay privately for the care she recieves - the CC should still be able to tell him who provides it because they may /may not do it themselves- heaven knows what their policies are!! just tell him this- he'll probably get better results if he stays calm and objective - make out he is on THEIR side, not fighting against them - angry/irate/ upset rellies do get left to one side because no-one ever wants to be the one to ring them - believe me!! Jess

What is it with these people.has dealing with the public made them all cynical!!.............They will only act if they are threatened with legal action!! Good for BIL..........he needs to stand his ground and insist on action. Sounds like he will, now he has taken the first step. Thanks for letting us know, Sam.........

My sister just rang, BIL has telephoned SS in his mothers area, he explained the whole situation and read the letter out to the woman over the 'phone. BIL says they seemed a little 'short' with him, he said that he wants to know what type of care she is receiving & what illness she has, he said he is very worried especially because of the tone of the letter. He then said, ''I am her son and I have got a legal right to this information'', they then said ''would you take legal action?'' and he said yes. They said they would look into it and ring him back, he has decided to give them 48hrs and ring again on Friday if he doesn't hear from them, especially as it's a bank holiday weekend and it will be Tuesday before he can ring again. Finger's crossed that they take this seriously and move quickly, he emphasised the fact that it sounds as though his mother is dying and he has no idea how long she has left. Jess, I have passed on all these messages but have just reminded my sister of what you said earlier..... ''They should be able to tell him more about her and her case, and if her care is sub-contracted out to an agency they should know who'' Thank you all so much, your help & support is amazing!!! Sam

Yes, Sam WE ARE all waiting to hear how it went! + keeping our fingers/toes crossed for him. Ann x

We are ALL waiting to find out how his call to SS went today!! jess x

Hello again Sue you are correct, there has been no divorce, I was wondering if that then makes BIL's dad next of kin, over & above BIL, I hope not because he has no interest in her whereabouts or wellbeing. The marital breakdown was due to infidelity on her part, he threw her out, and took BIL to his parents & BIL's G-parents have had him ever since. BIL has seen his father on & off over the years, they only live 3 miles apart, but there is no real father/son relationship there, the father quickly entered into another relationship and the new woman did not want BIL to be any part of their lives, and BIL's father went along with that. So effectively BIL has been brought up without a mother or a father. BIL has tried asking about his mum over the years but has been met with silence all round. So, without wishing to upset anyone here, he has done all this very discreetly, G-parents & father are all unaware of any attempt to contact his mum. I think this is why I am more involved, he only talks to my sister (his partner) & myself. There is no one to act as intermediary, I'm waiting to find out how his 'phone call to SS went today. Sam

Sammy, Have just read this thread, am I correct in saying that your BIL's Father is still alive and that he and his Mother are still married (no divorce?). In this case his Father and your BIL are next of kin and you have every legal right to find out what is going on with Social Services, etc etc. If your BIL's father was divorced this then makes BIL next of kin and no-one but no-one can supercede that. You did say in the thread there were no further children. Your BIL has legal rights over any brothers and sisters and parents that the Mother may have. I know that he is not interested in gaining anything other than a relationship with his Mother but please be aware that he is entitled to make decisions on her behalf legal and otherwise. Sue

I have been researching my grandfathers family for the last couple of years. He was put into care when he was 2 years old. Sadly he died in 1977 and although he knew of a brother and sister he never was successful in tracing them, nor his parents. So I started looking over 2 years ago now and late last year I managed to trace his first cousin. I wrote a letter and sent it. A few weeks later they wrote back confirming he did indeed have a brother and sister. His sister sadly passed away in 2000. They was left in a big predicament. Mainly because his brother is now 83 years old. But all these years he has grown up thinking he is someone he is not. He was adopted by his mothers second husband. Even though he has been ill, they decided he had the right to know. As you can imagine it came as quite a shock to him, to find out he has lived all those years thinking his father was the man he brought him up, in theory he was, but this man was not his Biological father and then also to learn he had a brother who was put into care and he never got to know him. The even harder bit is that my grandfather was actually a twin, but the twin died 15 days old. He has now contacted the adoption agencies to see his papers, as like my grandfather he now wants to try and find out who his REAL father was, and believe me he is difficult to find. I spent nearly an hour speaking to him on the phone and I do feel slightly guilty about bringing all this to light. But it was his close family who decided he should be told, i never forced the information upon him. His close family knew him best and knew how it should be dealt with. I now am in contact with a family a never knew existed and I did it for my grandfather as it was something he so wanted to know about before he passed away. We are slowly getting to know each other and there are many questions we all have which we know can never be answered. All I can say is be very careful. Although he may desperately want to see his mother. She may be at a stage in her life where she doesn't want this heartache. Especially if she is ill. Do you know if she has any close family you can contact instead. Perhaps then if it is her carer sending this letter, at least her close family will know more how to deal with this matter. Sorry I cannot be much more help. I wish you the best of luck. Regards, Siobhan

I was in a similar situation but I would not take no for an answer and turned up at the door step only to find out that the situation was completely different than the one well meaning relations had told me. I was thankful I had taken the bull by the horns so to speak and at least found my mother, even though we are no longer in contact at least I know the full story and out of all this came my discovery of brothers and a wonderful new sister and all this at my age of 50. My advise, nothing ventured, nothing gained. All the best, Katrina Australia

My aunt's neighbours were told all manner of lies about our family by the persons 'befriending' my aunt previously mentioned. I would hestitate to advise contacting neighbours. I think if you want an indirect approach, one of the medical team or social workers would be more impartial.

If you would like someone to have a look for the phone number just give me a shout. Glad to help if needed. Jules xx

Hi Sam, the Salvation Army do still find and contact people but if someone is opening your BIL's Mother's mail then that wont help. You've probably thought of this I'm sure but is there not a phone number to the address of his mother? A carer is likely to be there in the morning, luchtime, dinnertime or last thing at night so maybe in between those times. Do you think her Carer's are relatives/ daughter's maybe? It was a very cold letter not from someone who sounds very caring to me?! Also I might have missed the point here but if she was in hospital would she still have a carer at her home? At the end of the day, he's got nothing to lose has he ? so I hope he doesn't give up as he will regret it. All the best and good luck, Carol

My gut feeling is that soc.services/GP route is better. The neighbours could alert the *carers* to the fact you are checking on them (forewarned is forearmed as they say)....or, as is the way these days ,they wont know what's going on anyway! I bet you didn't get much sleep last night!Sam, hope you are ok. Regards Ann

I would certainly investigate further. What ever sort of 'carer' would write such an uncaring letter!!!! Beve

I'm a bit wary of finding out info via the neighbours, do you think it's ok to do that? Sam

Sammy, Social services is a good idea. You could send another letter with a photo perhaps but send it by recoreded delivery and specify that only the addressee can sign for it. The reason I would suggest this is: you can then get social services to confirm this signature is hers and if not you can then have some evidence that something fraudulant maybe going on around his Mum. Has Joan Allan given you any other ideas to try? Help with neighbours maybe? I wouldn't wait to contact. I did it after 31 years and I have no regrets now. Jules x

Hi Sammy Go and see her you will regret not doing so i think the letter is the carer talking and not mum, after all at 3 yrs old what could mr H possibly have done for his mum to not want to see him,no i dont even think she knows about the letter , i smell something fishy, go and see her i havent seen my 37yr old son for 8yrs thro an arguement and i would love to see him but have know idea where he is so do it Love Carolxxx

Im sorry, but am I a very suspicious person - I just dont feel the letter was written by a 'carer'. It sounds very much to me that this is Mrs H trying to get off the hook. I really would go to the house myself if I were him and knock on the door pretending to be doing a survey or something just to check it out. At least he would be clear whether 'mum' is really ill or not.