Genealogy Chat

dear smily at the moment i am allso trying to trace my biological father and if i receaved a letter like that i would not be happy or take it as a final request unless it had the two care workers to co sign his mothers signature, i work in A/E and i have had cryed when we have people in who are dying and no one to be with them,last year we had a patiant in she wanted to see her son and kept asking us to phone him the carer didnt want to know as she felt it was a waste of time and told us that this persons son was'nt interested when we managed to contact him it was to late the person died and the son DID want to know he has now filed a complaint and is sueing the carer for neglegance, all my best wishes go out to your brother in law in putting closure to this matter

Hi Sam I just had a thought. To save precious time would it be possible to FAX or e-mail the Soc. Services? Regards Ann

Poor bloke, I do feel for him. As others have said, it may be the standard reply the SS gave. Afterall they dont know him from Adam from just a phone call. If he sends that letter with a photocopy of the carers note, may be worth him also sending something that confirms he is the son.

I think you are right Chris, a letter to SS would be better, and including a photocopy of the letter he received, thank you for that. Sam

Hi Sammy, I think I would not ring again, I would write a letter explaining everything he has told you. Explaining he does not want to cause trouble but just wants to see his mum. explain he has just found out where she lives and has found out she is not very well. I would also send a photocopy of the letter he received from the so called carer. He also should write a letter to her social worker, or ask if she has a social worker. Which she will have if she has a carer. Good luck to your brother-in-law, I do hope he gets to see his mum. Yours Chris

Good thinking Gerri, about their suggestion to write, I too think that could be the case. Ann, you are right of course, we don't know... I think BIL has to be more prepared for tomorrow's call, ask if his mother has refused him all knowledge, or if it's standard practise. Hello Irene, you & I think alike, that is more or less what I've said to him today, to reassure the mother that it is BIL & only BIL that knows anything about this matter, only HIM that wants to meet her. I also said to say that to see her just once would be wonderful...and he could have his fingers crossed behind his back that it will develop from there. Even an initial phone call would be something Sam

Has he stated that no one else will be told. That he doesn't have much contact with his father. This is just between his mother and him. That he would like to see her just once, in the presents of a third party if need be. Also add that what happened years ago was nothing to do with him, he didn't have any say in the matter, but he would like to see her even if its only the once. It was not his choice when he was a child, his choice now is to see and hopefully get to know his mother the final choice is hers. He does not blame her for what happened, what happened can't be changed but the future can given a chance. I hope the future is brighter. At least he has tried, and with luck he will be successful. So my very best wishes and I do hope everything will be resolved in his favor. Irene

Sam, You don't know if they HAD contacted his Mother ....it may just be standard practice.( why did they say write to them if she had definately said no contact?) What about the GP? is that worth a try. It must all so distressing for you + BIL....I can't stop thinking about you. Keep strong, I hope there is better news tomorrow.........perhaps BIL could confirm whether or not they are acting on his mothers instructions OR just following the rules! Best wishes Ann

It seems to me that the SS are afraid of any legal happenings and thats why they prefer to deal through letters rather than a phone call. Letters can be evidence if this gets nasty. Keep at em Sammy xx

Oh Sammy. Dont get upset,,think positive,,if they have said write to us,then that is more positive than just dismissing the matter,,they may not due to patient data pro reveal any medical details but surley they can put right if his letter was written with consent,,,.and they may talk to her ..to get some resolve --.all may not be lost,, some of us do know how it feels when 'blood' family members want no contact under-any circumstances....even though they have known of your exsistance for years...

Hello Marjorie My sister has just told me the exact content of the message left on BIL's mobile, as well as ''We have looked into this matter but cannot reveal anything due to patient confidentiality'' They then said, ''But if you wish to write to us, please do'' Why?? He's ringing again tomorrow, as many of you have said, there may not be a happy ending here, nor even closure, but does that sound to you like things could be revealed in a letter rather than over the telephone? My head is spinning with all of it, I've been in tears, God know's what my BIL is feeling. Thank you all for sticking with me Sam

I think I'd ring the SS again and ask for some clarification - has she, for instance, said to the Social Worker 'I don't want to see my son' - if so, the Social Worker should relay that message to you.Client confidentiality doesn't come into it if she has made such a statement. It is quite unbelievable that no-one will give you a straight answer on this. Even a firm No, I don't want anything to do with you must be better than this muddle. Good luck and keep us informed I am sure everyone else is as involved with this story as I am. Marjorie

Hi Sammy, That is the expected out come ,,because his name has never croped up in their dealings with the ''mother' or that his is not down as a family member or one of a next of kin, ,if he told them what his relationship is to her,,he may have got information as to her well being,and did they think she was in good enough health to see him .they wouldnt have given any details about her but may be said that in their opinion !!!such and such!! Kay. Smiley does your BIL know if there are any more children to her???

Sammy Sorry to read that your BIL is not much futher forward, its such a hard situation to handle. Perhpaps SS work differently in different areas, I mentioned them to you because they have talked to us about my Nana and actually deal more with her neighbours (who also keep in contact with my mum). They were willing to talk to the neighbours and us because my Nana didn't have anyone else and was unable to make sensible decisions about her care, she's not loopy just was ill and run down and was taken to hospital. She's back home now but we still have contact with SS. I hope I don't sound callous, but have you thought of looking at it another way. For example the mum is apparently so ill that the original letter 'set her back' but she's well enough to give clear instructions that her 'carers' & SS believe to be informed and valid. The fact that they won't talk to your BIL tells me that she is probably quite able to look after herself and that they don't feel they need the family intervention. I know your BIL doesn't want to cause her any harm or make her illness worse but he must consider that he does have a right to try see her, as her son. She can refuse to see him or say what she likes but she should say it herself, not through an intermediary, she owes him that much. In other words get a bit angry. I'm not trying to wind things up, just that whilst its obviously good to be concerned for his mum's health, he also needs to think about himself and what he needs. Karen

The problem with Social Services is that if your BIL's mother says she doesn't want him to know anything about her then they won't tell him anything (data protection, human rights and confidentiality). We had this when a woman tried to find her mother (mother had left the family many years before) - Social Services refused to reveal where the mother lived even though her parents were married and never divorced. All they would say was that she was well and didn't want contact. So I'm not overly optomistic with your response from them especially if there's talk of litigation.!! However I've contacted previous neighbours of the people I was looking for in the past and they have been extremely helpful - although I did mention that the neighbour I'm asking about possibly isn't the person I was looking for. So many people with the same name. Have a long list from the electors roll to check through?!!! Using this ploy and that you couldn't find the telephone number of the neighbour or no reply might weedle out some information which is valuable ie that she's been in hospital or isn't very well and who else lives in the house or a relative that you might be able to speak to. It's possible though that the 'carer' is a neighbour!!! However if your BIL does go to the house it might perhaps be wise to take your sister and perhaps your sister goes to the door first to break the ice and re-assure her of your intentions. I really do hope it all works out.

Hi again everyone. Marjorie, I think you are right, BIL has no intention of ringing any neighbours, I too would be horrified to think I was being ''discussed'' But there has been another setback... Social Services in Aberystwyth have already rung back, they left a message on BIL's mobile, ''We have looked into this matter, we canot discuss anything with you due to patient confidentiality'' Now what???? I think they must have telephoned his mother, why not say in the first call that they would not be able to reveal anything? I've told him to ring Citizen's Advice, I don't know what else to suggest. Sam :(

Firstly I must say I really hope your BIL gets his wish for some form of reconcilliation with his Mother. I realise that the letter received from the 'carer' appears to be tactless in the extreme but I wonder if she has taken his original correspondence in the wrong context. I realise that your BIL just wants to make his peace with his Mother, but could it be that the 'carer' has had bad experiences with relatives jumping out of the woodwork at the slightest whiff of a possible inheritance. When my Father died his four sisters and brother all turned up for the funeral. It wasn't out of respect, it was out of curiosity and to see if there was anything in it for them. One of his sisters was so close, I doubt she would even have recognised my Father. (She hadn't seen him in 28 years) My Mothers family are no better either. My Grandmother received a letter once from her daughter (who had not spoken or written to her in 20 years) In the letter, my Aunt said that her husband was in prison and if my Grandmother didn't send her £20, she would kill herself (This was the early 70's) My Gran tormented herself over the letter but was finally persuaded not to send the money. My Grandmother never heard from her daughter again. In 1985, a year after my Gran had died, my uncle received a solicitors letter from my aunt demanding any renumeration from my Grans will. A copy of the will was duly sent and that was the last we heard of her. I don't even know if she is still alive. Best wishes to your BIL and sister.

Reading all the replies, I just wonder how pleased she might be, to know that someone (even if it is her own son) has been asking the neighbours about her - it is extremely unlikely that the neighbours would know anything of this part of her life and she might wrongly suppose that now 'they all know'. I can understand that what is meant here is a gentle enquiry as to how she is and what is wrong with her and who is looking after her - but sooner or later the neighbour is going to say 'And what's it got to do with you?' I very much hope the Social Worker does her stuff and quickly. Best wishes Marjorie

Hi Smiley If it was me in the same position then i would definetly go and see her and in veiw of what he has been told of her health the sooner the better. if he doesnt and she does pass away he will always be left wondering what if, but if he goes at least he will know one way or another, when i read the letter he had recieved i was very supprised at its tone , i dont think that it was his Mother who wrote it, but i am very suspicious of the person who did, i would go and see her straight away. leave it and it could be to late. Tina

Yes, Sam maybe youre all right (and Im wrong!) and it is a 'carer' as she says she is one of two (which is a bit detailed if you are just trying to put someone off). Its just I received a similar letter years ago apparently from the carer of girlfriend one of my sons had dumped, but not telling him to keep away but to 'make her happy for her last few months'. So I guess thats why I am so cynical! Do let us know how he gets on. Poor bloke must be dizzy with all the thoughts going thru his head.