Genealogy Chat

Thank you Michelle I will pass that on now, he said he tried to make the request online and it wouldn't let him proceed as he could not enter a telephone number for the recipient. I thought it was a bit strange too Thanks again Sam

Hi Sammy I'm still glued to this post, checking in every few hours to see if there's any news. I read your last post and was confused by your BIL not being able to get proof of signature for recorded delivery letters as my understanding off RD was different, anyway checked Royal mail and i quote: Proof of Delivery certificate with copy of recipient's signature and printed name, for £2.20* *If you need a Proof of Delivery certificate, just call our customer services team on 0845 9272 100 and ask for Proof of Delivery, quoting your Recorded item reference number. Hope this helps. Michele

I know what you mean Maureen, my BIL has thought of so many senarios, one of them being that she has had a ''carer'' befriend her, and she was horrified to learn of Mrs H**** having a 'next of kin'! Thank you for your advice, and you have not spoken out of turn at all. Kay No, we don't know if the 2nd letter, or indeed the 1st, was opened by the person it was addressed to. The 1st letter was sent recorded delivery & BIL has tried to request the signature of the person who collected it from the post office, but you have to supply the addressee's telephone number, she's not on the 'phone! So that's the end of that, ridiculous though it sounds. The 2nd letter was entitled ''To be opened by the addressee only'' Who know's if that worked? Sam

Sammy, In view of it all ,,your BIL deserves a hand clap for not letting this go,,his letter is sensitive,caring,but understanding,, I am just womdering if this CARER opens her mail??and this will not get to the person its intended for,,,but hopefully is above such actions,, Please keep us posted,, Kay.

Sammy Been reading all the messages to you and there is just one thing that strikes me, how does anyone know that this 'carer' is an official person. My mother in law is house bound, she was supplied with a carer by SS, the woman took over her life, she convinced mother in law she was the best friend she ever had. She even threw in her job with the Council (or so she said) and went 'private' looking after mother in law full time. She got her pensions, paid her bills, you name it she did it.The only thing she 'forgot' to do was the cleaning - the house was like a pig sty. We at the time were living 250 miles away, we moved back and every time we visited, this damned woman was there,MIL wouldnt hear a word said about her 'friend'. Then mother in law broke both hips and had to go into hospital, we had to sell her house as she couldnt cope on her own when she came out, so she moved in with her brother. We got the job of clearing out her house and selling it for her, one day we went over there and the kitchen had been stripped, cooker, fridge.freezer,microwave, even the kettle, we thought she had been burgled, on speaking to her brother we discovered she had given the key to her 'carer' to take what she wanted as all her stuff had broken - all at once!As MIL was of sound mind there was nothing that could be done, we contacted Social Services and EVERYTHING came back on headed note paper.(Including this woman had been sacked for taking 'presents' off an elderly gentleman) Because of her inability to get about to sign papers etc at the solicitors when the house was sold ,my husband was given Power of Attornay, on putting the money into her account he noticed that not a penny was in there from when she had been living on her own, her total income was over 350.00 a week, she had no mortgage and only food bills mainly, plus this 'carer' to pay. Like a lot of old people she valued her independence and resents being asked where her money went, especially from her 'child' (who's 53). We spoke to the police and again nothing can be done as she is sane . As you can imagine the word 'carer' rings alarm bells whenever i hear it!! Lets face it, if your BIL's Mum has found someone like that, and we were told by police they have heard of all the furniture being sold from under an old persons nose by 'carers' then this woman is not going to want any busy bodies spoiling her fun. This neighbour sounds as if she likes a good gossip, i would go and see her, chance it, if the woman is ill i cant imagine it making her any worse, especially if the neighbour hardly see's her, she cant be that friendly with her, get her on your side, tell her a bit of the story and see where it goes from there. If she was an active person before the accident and is now housebound maybe she is suffering from depression, a visit from her long lost Son might just be the tonic she needs. Only last week i spoke to my MIL doctor over the phone, he doesnt know me from Adam but was very chatty, i know its not how they are supposed to be but not all of them stick to the law. Try it, they can only say no, you could probably get out of the neighbour who her doctor is as well, most people in an area seem to use one or two surgeries. If the accident was really bad maybe you could find a report in a local paper as well, was there anyone else in the car if thats what it was, or was she at work, she must have had some friends somewhere when she was getting out and about, maybe you could dig them out. Again this neighbour will probably remember roughly when it happened. You say BIL doesnt want to make his Mum worse if she is already ill, what about his health? The 'carer' said it had put this lady back, sounds to me like she was getting better from whatever is wrong with her. Now he has got so far how can he possibly just forget about it, 'what ifs' and 'if onlys' will haunt him for the rest of his life, whatever the husband did the mother knows it wasnt the childs fault, and speaking as a Mum i wouldnt mind betting that woman has thought about that Son all through her life. If she really doesnt want to see him then let her say it to his face, he doesnt know who the hell is writing or dictating those letters and i certainly wouldnt take the word of any 'carer' after what we went through Hope i havent spoken out of turn. There is a good caravan site at Borth just outside Aber, have a week up there, it will do BIL good to have a break, and go in with guns blazing, not prepared to be fobbed off by anyone. Maureen

Hi, had to add my bit, have been following this and agree with most of the replies. I think men do think differently to women and tend to let things go, but he must remember that if she really is very poorly then this may be his last chance to EVER see her. I would go there with a bunch of flowers and a card with something like 'I only wanted to meet you, love always'. If he is allowed thru the door good, if not then hand over the flowers. At least he may get the opportunity to see the carer and work out what she's like. I think it may also be worth while - if he didn't want to do that, to check with her local GP, just write saying that he had lost contact and understands she is living in the area and is poorly. He has only had this told to him by a carer and would like some kind of confirmation. I know the chances are the GP will write back saying he can't disclose the info, but there is also a chance that they will answer especially if he is the only close relative. Best of luck to you both. Linda

Lovely Karen, a really quaint little village, my aunt retired there 12yrs ago.

Sammy I think the letter is perfect, and I think the idea of setting a 'cut off' for himself is very sensible - but I couln't give this up even if the letter gets no response! Still sending you all lots of positive vibes, and hoping it works out well. By the way, how was Creetown? my dad grew up there and I lived there for a while! Karen

Hi again everyone, I know I have a HUGE following ;) A little bit of info... SKP on these boards (I will let them reveal themselves if they wish) telephoned a neighbour!!! Thought they may have over-stepped the mark, but given the present situation I don't think so, They made very casual enquiries about a ''friend they had lost touch with'' The neighbour said, she calls herself A*** (middle name),she has a dog,doesnt go out very often......had a bad accident....3 years ago.....broke leg arm etc,cant walk much..........not on phone. A bit of info I can give you all & my BIL when I see him later. Not sure what conclusions to draw from that, it doesn't sound like she's dying though, unless she also has a terminal illness.

Hi Sammy, I think the letter is wonderful! it explains his feelings at the moment, and also may make his mother feel something at the thought she has a grandchild, and after evrything that has gone on he has no ill feelings towards her. Sorry I cannot see that his desiscion is a man thing, I know that many people are saying go for it but if she is really ill this is a whole difference situation, could he cope if she took a turn for the worst because he sunddenly turned up on her doorstep, also he has taken the letter very badly what is she was to say this to his face. Still think a softly softly approach is the way to go for the moment, till you can verify some of the facts, and this letter seems perfect, a few days is not a lot of time for someone to make a life changing deciscion such as this, his mother may need a little more time. Allthough I will be keeping my fingers crossed for you that her hears soon! Keep us informed on your progress we are all rooting for you all. Very Best Wishe Sheila

I've been reading this thread with interest since it started and reading your bil's letter today brought me to tears.All I can add as an adopted person is never say never.When i made contact with my birth family 20 years ago my mother decided that she couldn't let me into her life as she hadn't told her family about me.This was devastating for me and no matter what anyone says about having your own family to love--I had a son by then --there is always a gap in your heart.I was lucky that her sister and my dad did agree to keep in touch with me and eventually 12 years!! later when her husband died she finally allowed me into her life.I have still to meet her--she's in Australia -but my jigsaw is slowly taking shape.I do wish you all the best and will be watching to see what happens.

Good to see you back Sam, Poor BIL.......... he has no need to feel worthless. It is not HIM that she is rejecting , after 33 years of denial it is her fear of the past + the emotions connected with it that she will be rejecting. After all she doesn't know HIM. HE has no reason to feel guilty, he is the one trying to see her, making the first move. Yes he WILL feel hurt, but he certainly isn't worthless He has a loving partner + a little girl who will *love him to bits*..........Also, a SISTER in LAW who obviously cares a great deal about him! Regards, take care, Annx

Thank you Jess, good point about setting himself a cut-off regarding all this. That in itself will be difficult but, I too, think this has to be done, in order to get on with the rest of his life. My BIL is sensitive, he has only just come to terms with the fact that this did not go the way he had imagined. He thought his mum had stayed away because of his dad and that when he found her she would welcome him with open arms. Her reaction has made him feel absolutely worthless, my sister is doing all she can to reassure him, but at this present moment.. that is not enough. Sam

Sammy. His letter sounds really good- just enough to make her wonder about the grandaughter and other bits of his life. He sounds like a very sensative chap that will be easily hurt - and nothing can stop him hurting.Rejection IS hard but knowing you have done all you possibly can ....well, if the final 'NO' does come, at least he can say he put his heart and soul into trying. Is no news good news?- not sure.I would say if she hasn't replied within a week she probably wont.He needs to set himself a 'point' at which he will give up hoping, hard though that is.If she replies after that, then it is a bonus. I have everything crossed for him as it sounds like 'luck' is about all he has. Jess x

JUNE 4th 2005 Thank you for all your messages while I was away, you're all lovely, and trying for to keep me on the front page too :) I rang my sister as soon as we got home, but no news, other than they sent one more letter on Tuesday. here it is.... Dear Mum I can say that now, because I know it’s you. I am still reeling from the letter, telling me never to write to you again, and also telling me I had “set you back” by contacting you. Your carer asked for you to be left in peace, for the time you have left. That final statement has left me absolutely devastated. I was not prepared for this at all; it now seems to me that I have nothing to lose, so I have decided to write just once more. Getting that letter has made me even more determined to meet you, I am so sorry you are ill, and I have no idea what you are suffering from, but I still want to see you. Is it that you don’t want to see me? Or you don’t want me to see you? I now know the timing of my contact was not good, but I promise you I will cope with anything, I also want to reassure you, that it is me & me alone that knows of your whereabouts. I have had little to do with my father over the years; my grandparents brought me up. My father’s new partner made it clear to him that I was not welcome, he duly obliged and I was taken to my grandparents flat, I still live there part time, helping to care for them. The weekends are spent with my partner, R****. She has 2 children and we also have a daughter together. Yes, you are a grandmother too, our daughter is called A**** and she will be 8yrs old in August. I’m trying to fit the last 33yrs into a letter, but it’s not working. I don’t care about the past, there are no recriminations on my part, and there never were any, life is just too short. Please, please reconsider; I want so much to see you. I am so scared I will be visiting a grave instead of you. The address at the top is R**** house, you can write to me there, and I have included my mobile telephone number, you can leave a message, or ring me after 7pm weekdays, anytime over the weekend. I cannot bear the thought that this is it… It’s not the ending I imagined Love always Your Son That would have reached BIL's mother by Wednesday, and as yet they have heard nothing back. She may just ignore it, he has said it's one last attempt and although you've all given very valuable and much-needed advice, above all he does not want to push himself on her. So he is saying he will not contact her directly again. Is this a 'man' thing? I think we women would get angry and just head on up there, without really stopping to think, but my husband agrees with my BIL, in that if his mother tells him yet again she does not want to see him, or have anything to do with him, then he will just have to draw a line under it. There is only so much rejection a person can take. My sister said BIL has been very depressed the last couple of days. I have passed on the comments about the local vicar, he is a bit confused as to whether to go that route, although I did say regardless of someone being religious or not, I think you would listen to what a member of the church has to say, and hopefully not be rude enough to dismiss him/her out of hand. So the story goes on, with no conclusion at present. Am I allowed to assume 'No News is Good News'? Bye for now Ever the optimist Sam BTW.. Nothing more from SS although they have had another email from BIL, asking amongst other things if his mother does not wish contact on any level would it be possible for him to informed of her death, as & when it happens - this also brought NO response from SS! The 'Carers' letter was not on headed paper, just an old fashioned lined writing pad's paper, looked like the writing of an elderly person. And the stillborn baby DID belong to BIL's father 100% sure of that, as for contacting him about it, maybe she thought he was entitled to know she was carrying his child.

HI sAMMY. I have just read all the thread BIL should just go and have a look. my father left when i was 3 months old when i was 21 i found out where he lived got a friend to ring him & ask for a meeting he agreed that was the only time i ever saw him he told me my mum had not let him keep in contact other than to rewrap the presents he had sent my 4 siblings & I every year as he had another family by then I chose not to keep in contact with him even though he wanted to.25yrs on looking for my family tree I now realise how silly that was,tell BIL to go have a look even if she wont meet him he will always remember that he saw her and has a face for the name my father died 6 yrs ago but Iwill always have him with me now its something no one can take away or alter GOOD LUCK!!!! B.J.

I agree with Val from Exeter. Go and say who you are, and ask to see her. Good luck. Susan

Nudging for Sammy and hope she's managing a smile. K. x

keep chins up you will win in end hopfully

Hita sam I`m with the rest of them tell BiL to try to find out more this happened to me with an aunt who was very close all my life I wish I had stood up more tell him to keep at it XX Babs