Genealogy Chat

Hi everyone :) BIL hasn't done anything regarding the SA as yet, he is hoping that her wooden heart will melt (albeit slooooowly) after reading his 2nd letter. He's reluctant to involve a 3rd party, but I'm sure he will if necessary. Linda, have a great holiday ;) Pamela, thank you for your thoughts, good idea about the letter. I think someone has suggested that my BIL does another copy & sends it to his mother via SS, asking that they make sure it is actually given to her. BIL asked if they would do this, all they said was 'we will try' so not much point really. He will be none the wiser as they will not even confiem that his mother is one of their clients/patients. I'm getting to the point where I need to talk him into to going to see her. I think with a bit of female persuasion from me & my sister, gee him up a bit & all that... What do you think? Another thought....another sister & myself are going to Snowdonia next month for the weekend, we will be within 80 miles of BIL's mother. We have already talked about the possibility of going there, but dismissed it as it wouldn't really help for US to go and knock on the door, but we could take some flowers and make sure they are actually handed to Mrs H*****

Hello Smiley Sammy (what a happy name !) Ive just joined Genes Reunited and still finding my way,but couldnt help myself,and read through this story.Your B-I-L must be going through hell, not knowing what the truth is. I dont think anyone would give confidential information over the phone because the social services dont know who he is,he could be anyone I guess. With regards to there being no phone ,could you just make one up ,so that the process of sending the mail is possible,making sure that a relevant code is used . I'm sure there is a section somewhere,whereby you can leave instructions,like leave with a neighbour etc.-would it be an idea if he left an instruction that the recipient finds it difficult to get about and probably has a walking stick.This would ,I think,allow the postman to separate a carer from his mother. Just a thought,good luck. Pam H

I have been following this story since the beginning. I am off on holiday in the morning for 2 weeks. By the time I get back I hope you have had some answers and that they are the ones you want. Linda xx

Wishin BIL all the best. Stay positive and never give up Love Jules xx

Hi Sam Keep nudging this to keep it on the front page, i hope BIL persists with his mother. Best of luck. Keep us informed we are all rooting for him. Ali

Hi Sam I am glad you are still positive....tis the only way at this stage. I just wondered , did BIL do any more regarding the Salvation Army? You would think SS would at least investigate to make sure all is as it should be regarding BILs mothers care!! Like many others I am following this thread + just hoping + praying all goes well for you all. Take care Ann xx

Hi Sammy, been following the thread. I do hope your BIL gets a happy outcome. Thoughts are with you Christine

Hi there, still following this and hoping BIL has a solution - either way at some point - its the 'not knowing' that is the hardest part. If he just met her that may be enough for him. It all sounds dodgey doesnt it. I wonder if the carers are unofficial. Good luck to him and yes, I think may be men are more restrained in these sort of circumstances. Certainly I would have been on undercover observation duties by now.

Hi Sam This just a thought. If BIL doesn't recieve a reply from his second letter to his mother I'd throw the ball in S/S court and get him to rewrite it and send it to Social Services asking them to make sure she actually gets it. I'd also insist on a personal and written reply from her (even if the Social worker has to write it for her). I believe who ever is in charge of her case file has a 'Duty of Care' (sorry to use that old chestnut) towards her son... after all when she 'pegs it' they could very well come screaming round BIL's house for him to foot the bill for the funeral... then it'll be too late and they will start covering their arses. Document everything. Hope it works out for him. Cheers Gerry

Sam, Your BIL is lucky to have you remaining so positive for him... maybe he will come to realise that he has relatives (like you) who, in the greater scheme of things, are a lot more important to his well-being than his mother. I'm keeping my fingers crossed and hoping that the news he eventually recieves will be what he wants to hear... In the meantime... I personally think you are an amazing relative for him to have. Keep your chin up!

Thank you all I wish I could update with something positive, but nothing's happening at the moment :( I emailed my BIL and told him to try again with the signature request, but it may be one of the carers anyway. I raised my eyebrows when the carers surname was JONES! But it is Wales, and it's a very commmon name for those parts. It really is not worth contacting SS again, BIL is just going over old ground and being told repeatedly they cannot reveal anything due to client confidentiality. I am assuming they have contacted his mother and she has told them not to speak to him, otherwise I'm sure they would have arranged a meeting whereby he could prove his relationship with her. They still have not replied to the email asking if he can be notified in the event of her death. He is pinning a lot on her replying to his second letter, even if it's only an explanation to say why she does not want any contact, like others have said, she owes him that much at least. Sam (trying to be positive)

nudge to keep on first page

Hi Sammy, I'm still following this too! I am amazed that BIL was told you need a phone number to check the delivery of a letter, we do this all the time at work and I have never been asked for a phone number. With regards to SS, I have recently become involved with them concerning my mother, they never asked me to prove I was any relation, I simply said I was her daughter and they speak to me quite happily regarding her care, it could be that like my Mum's carers, it is a private company contracted by SS to carry out the care needed and they don't have any records on file themselves other than care is being provided. I would be very tempted to phone SS and say the carers haven't arrived today, using a different name, from a public phone. I wish you and BIL such very good luck with this. If you don't see me back on this thread I will have overstepped the GR rules! Amanda x (Who has met her natural Mum)

nudge

Hi Sammy, You know me from the adoptees thread, I always tend to ere on the side of caution when making contact with birth families, however, I have thought long and hard about this and now I am not so sure. Even if you find out the carers are appointed by SS then that does not mean that they do not have an ulterior motive by writing this letter (apoligies if they are legitimate). I would also have thought they would have notified a case worker assigned to BM to write this letter. Also even if you were to write another letter and receive a letter back still stating she wants no contact with your BIL you still cannot be sure if this is coming from BM. From what the neighbour says it seems more likely that she is house bound more than terminally ill , which means she is more dependant on the carers to do things for her eg. pick up recorded letters. Think you have only 2 possible options now see if the Dr or local vicar can be of help, with info, maybe the local priest can call and see how she is.........or make contact with BM direct. One thing that does puzzle me is the conflicting stories he has been told about her, I really cannot see if she was a battered wife her making contact with her husband when she had his baby, if she was so scared I think this would be the last thing she would do. If she has left after an affair maybe she feels guilt at leaving him behind and thats why she cannot face up to seeing him....only she can answer these questions, and as we all know he may never get the true version of events from her. If however, he wants to see her and try and make his peace then maybe he should go for it, but he has to be aware that he may not have the result he hoped for, but if this is better for him to put this matter to rest, he must do what he feels is right. Will be hoping for the Best for him. Wish him Well from us all. Sheila

Yet again, I agree with everyone. I think BILs letter is excellent and if it doesnt tug her heartstrings then she is made of stone. I agree that there are some dodgy 'carers' out there and I would certainly DEMAND that SS tell him if they are Official Carers or not.It is many years ago now, but my GTGT Aunt had a live-in Housekeeper in the last few years of her life. My mother received a letter to say Auntie had died ( we only lived a mile away!) and by that time the house had been stripped of everything moveable.My Dad called the Police but the HK said that Auntie had not paid her any wages for months and as there was no proof Dad let it go. One thing which really doesnt ring true - if his mother is recovering from the PHYSICAL effects of an accident, how on earth can a letter have 'set her back' in her recovery? A letter, or even the shock of a letter, cannot make your bones unheal! It is probably not appropriate in this case, but I have just remembered the 'Official Solicitor' who is appointed by Social Services or a Court, to deal with the financial affairs and the personal interests etc of any person who has no-one else to deal with them. But it sounds as if Bils mother is surrounded by a ring-fence of 'Carers' - whether or not they have her best interests at heart is anybody's guess. In his position, I would want something in writing, preferably from the SS, to say that everything is above board. Personally, I wouldn't give this a cut-off point - I would go on writing and 'making a nuisance' of myself until such time as I was satisfied that it is HER OWN decision not to have contact - and I think she owes him at least a written explanation of why not. The worst that could happen is that the Police would get involved (stalking) and as awful as that sounds, at least he might get some truthful answers. To my mind, this all stinks - I hope I am wrong in a way, and that she is NOT being manipulated by anyone else. Thinking of your BIL. Marjorie

Thank you, it's lovely to know that you are all so interested, and like me are really hoping for a happy outcome. Sheila, BIL has asked, on more than one occasion in fact, if his mother is being looked after by carers, if the ''carers'' are legitimate & SS or private. Their response? You've guessed it...... ''Due to patient confidentiality blah blah blah....'' That'll be on his mothers flippin' headstone, oops sorry, gotta laugh or else I'll cry!!

Hi Sammy, I think the letter BIL sent will certainly tug at her heart-strings (if she has any, that is)! Maybe when she gets this second letter and has a chance to reflect on the contents, she may have a rethink and decide to meet her son - I certainly hope so. It doesn't sound from what the neighbour said that she is terminally ill. Maybe the carer who replied (if indeed it was the carer and not his mother) thought this would keep BIL away from her, but this has had just the reverse effect! Hoping for a happy ending to this story, Kathyx

Hi Sammy, I've been reading with interest this whole thread from the start. I think BiL is being sensible and brave, and luckily he has good caring people around him to help him through this. I felt his letter to his mum was just right, in tone and content, but hope he does not give himself too short a cut-off point before giving up hope of a reply. We are all different, and react to things in a different way, some of us taking a lot more time than others to react (or act upon) something which is basically a bolt from the blue, as in his mum's case. She may need a lot of time to think about the situation, and likewise to think about what she might want to say in a reply. The other scenario, about the 'carer' is a strong possibility unfortunately, as of course we don't even know if letters are reaching his mum. Personally I've had a bad experience with carers. My grandad, at 86 eventually had to go into a Home. He was given a nice room, and allowed to take quite a lot of personal belongings with him from his house. To cut a long story short, every time they visited him, my parents noticed that certain items were missing, ie ornaments or gifts they had taken him on previous visits, especially the bottles of whisky they would take him each visit which seemed to disappear too rapidly. When they asked grandad about the items, he would say that one of the carers (all his best friends by now) had taken it for 'safe keeping' or that he'd wanted her to have it etc. We had our suspiscions for a long time, but without hard evidence could not act. After grandad had died and we went to clear his room, it was obvious that the carers had had a field day, there were very few things left. My parents queried this with the Management at the Home, of course, but it was an upsetting time for all of us and we (without it turning into an ugly case) didn't pursue it as we perhaps should have. The Management were quite 'off' with us, and firmly stuck by their story that the room had been locked at all times after grandad's death, as is their policy blah blah....which was a clear lie. Sadly some of the things that had disappeared were family trinkets, perhaps of sentimental value only, but things which my parents not only would have liked to keep but were entitled to have. Of course, I'm not wishing to imply that all carers are the bad guys, not in the least, but just want to point out a case where even in a recognised Home, things can happen which are out of our control. I think your BiL should pursue with social services etc - for all the reasons others have written on this thread. Finally, I wish your BiL good luck, and sincerely hope he gets a positive answer from both his mum and the authorities responsible for her care. I, like all the others following this thread, am waiting to see a happy outcome!! Sending positive thought waves ~~~~~ Karen x

Hi Sammy, Just a thought if BIL mother had an accident and is house bound (hence the carer) she would not have collected the letter herself its most likely the carer did, so you still will not know if it has been passed on to her. You need to establish 2 things, firstly who this carer is and didnt she say she was 1 of 2 carers (check them out if they are sent by SS or private, and as stated in the previous comments, try her doctor he may be sympathetic if BIL explains the siutation and that he would like to see her, would the doctor think that would be detremental to her health.) He may not go into specific details but he could maybe give you some advice. Let us know if you hear anything else. Best Wishes Sheila