Genealogy Chat

What an awful state of affairs. On a purely practical level,as his grandad is next of kin,the undertaker would take instructions from him.A good undertaker will do this very subtely.The next of kin has to inform the undertaker of all the details. I hope this doesnt flare up,but I cant help thinking that your B-I-L will get very protective over his grandparents,and rightly so,which ,in light of the other circumstances,might tip him over the edge,in his latent anger towards his father. Our thoughts go out to your brother in law,and to his grandad. Pam H.

Sam, So VERY sorry to hear such sad news - please pass on our love and very best wishes. Dea x

Oh Sam, I am so ,so sad for BIL, the poor man. Goodness knows what thoughts are going round in his head at the moment. Life can be awfully cruel sometimes. Poor BIL his grief will be tearing him apart. Please pass on my condolences. Take care Ann xx

As if he didn't have enough on his plate at the moment, Send him all our love, please, Jess

I'm so very sorry, Sam. Joy

JUNE 17th 2005 My BIL's Nan died suddenly this morning. She got up to make a cup of tea and it seems she literally dropped dead. She was 78yrs old, her husband was there and called an ambulance but it was too late. BIL is in pieces, they have brought him up since he was 3yrs old, he looked in on them this morning before he left for work as he always does, they were both sleeping. BIL has telephoned the father he hardly sees, and he is going in like a steamroller to ''sort things out'' BIL's grandad is not the natural father of BIL's dad, and they have never seen eye to eye, but the couple have been married for 35yrs, BIL is already upset that his grandad's wishes will be over-ruled by his domineering father. The Grandad is not really ''with it'' so although he's next-of-kin who knows what will happen. I can see huge family arguments ahead. Sam

Hello everyone, don't get excited...NOWT'S HAPPENED! I just don't want to lose this thread, and I really appreciate you all adding your messages & nudging for me. I met my sister for a cuppa on Tuesday and I mentioned to her about me & our other sis being in Wales in August, but she pointed out that BIL has 2 weeks holiday in July, they always hire a car so he is deciding whether to make the trip himself. I'm not sure he will, and for the very reasons you have mentioned Jess, what if she's not in she wont even come to the door she says ' I told you I don't want any contact' and shuts the door. They are all real possibilities, and it's his decision, to be honest I don't think I will be trying to convince him either way. If he wants to then Great! but if he decideds not to, then who can blame him. Thanks again for your messages...... Sam xxx P.S one of the first things I did was try for a telephone number, there isn't one

Thinking of you all. Jules x

Hi Im sure if you go to the post office you can send a letter to be signed by the person that you are sending the letter to. Think they have to give the postman ID just a thought Good Luck Linda

Hi Sam. Have you tried B4USEARCH.COM.This has electoral roll and telephone numbers unless the telephone no is blocked. Margaret

Sammy. still feel for you and you B-in-L. Seems to be going round in an endless circle and not moving on. Have done the 'drive up and down outside' bit myself, didnt get me far, and thought about being interflora woman but had this thought (my BM claiming to be in a similar state to his mother) - If i make the journey, IF i turn up with flowers, IF she is in, IF i get her to the door, IF i hand then over- HOw much futher on am I? ..and how will I know IF it is her? You heart is very much in the right place, but Dont forget how far 80 miles is across the welsh hills- about 3 hours I'd guess! Jess x

I'll mention that to him Ann Shelley, how awful for you, I am so sorry. My BIL still hasn't heard anything. Sam

dear smiley sammy i hope his mothers heart does soften i have been tryin to find my father which i did and found out i have 2 sisters and a brother and a grandmother but he has turned round and said he doesn,t want to tell his family about so wants nothing to do with me and my kids so i hope his mother does a quick turn round on her decision and tell him i,m thinking about him as i know how much it hurts after getting the rejection so i hope he get what he wants hun shelley xxxxx

Hi Sammy, I posted a reply to you earler in this thread and just catching up on the latest news. I'm just so sorry that things haven't been happening for the poor man. One more thing puzzles me. The neighbour doesn't think the mother is on the phone, and yet she apparently lives alone, can't walk far and needs two carers?! Does that seem strange to anyone else....or is it just me? I would have thought it totally necessary for someone in her situation to have a phone...........unless she has a mobile of course. Best wishes, Carole

I was wondering: Could a letter be actually sent to the neighbour (or, perhaps,even the Vicar) to DELIVER PERSONALLY to BILs mother ? Annxx

Hi Sammy, I think the letter in its self has not solved the hidden problem whether the wishes expressed by the carer really come from his mother. No matter what you do to check out the letter you are not going to be 100% sure if she has seen it, if you have it signed for then it only proves that someone has taken possesion of it at that adress maybe a carer if you give it to SS and the carers work for them, maybe it will be passed on to them to give to BIL mother, even if you ask for it to be given to her directly you cannot be sure it will. Next problem if he receives another letter from carer then its back to square one, are these really his mothers wishes. It may be possible that for whatever reason, she really does not wish to have contact with BIL, then the only way he will know for sure is to have it from her direct. Either he can make contact himself, or ask a family friend or relative to go around and make contact. Does the neighbour know if she has any other neighbours that she is close to? that could at least tell her, he would like to see her, and if she decides she wants no more contact after that then so be it. If not then he has decide now if he is prepared to go and see her and put this matter to rest one way or another. Wishing him luck though. Best Wishes Sheila

Hi Sammy, Still thinking of you and your BIL. I wouldn't worry too much if there is no phone, she probably has a care alarm installed, which is controlled by a unit which you press a button on, and wear another one around your neck in case you can't reach the control unit, but are taken poorly suddenly, it's an instant response to a call centre and if they can't hear you they will call the emergency services and the key holders. I would doubt that his mother has 2 carers full time, one on each shift so to speak, so there must be times she is alone, unless she is very rich and pays privately. It costs a fortune for care, if she was terminal and had no family to care for her would she not be in a hospice? A visit to the house could be useful, if there is a box on the outside, a bit like a safe or entry system, that's how the carer's gain access, but only with a code, or maybe there are other family at home to let them in? Have you got the electoral role for the address concerned? Just sending idea's to try to help. Best wishes Amanda x

As Geraldine says, it is strange, (given BILs mothers' alledgedly ill health) that there is no phone. I hadn't thought of that before. I think the idea of going to *have a look*, flowers etc is a good idea. The bottom line is He doesn't really know if these *carers* are genuine.... and if someone pays a visit then at least he will know. Ann xx

Hi Sam I'm still thinking about your BIL... hope he is bearing up with the pressure of the wait. This is another tack. Has BIL considered contacting Social Services in his own area? explaining to them how concerned he is for his mothers welfare and situation. They might contact S/S in Wales for him and between the 2 proffessionals might be able to come up with a solution. Also, I find it difficult to believe that given the mothers frail condition (she must be if a letter set her back and she has 2 carers) that she doesn't have a phone for medical emergancies... though it could be unlisted. Just my thoughts. Best wishes to BIL. Cheers Gerry

Hi Sammy, I have also quietly watched this thread from the start,and I think the flower idea is excellent, do you mean pretend to be a delivery lady or say who you are? I really hope your bil gets something soon, as the wait must be agonising. I always think these things are a lot harder for blokes to do and his come this far so lets hope there is a happy ending for him. Me and my husband have both been through horrid things in our childhood,but my husbands was far worse in some ways.It just makes me so angry that adults can treat children in such a way that in most cases messes up there life at some stage. I say to my father-in-law even now 'but you were the adult in all this' there is no excuse.If bil's dad didn't want anything to do with her then thats fine,but what right does a father have to take that away from a child, and then not take him on himself. Sorry if I have spoke out of turn just ask me to delete this there will be no hard feelings (honest) but having suffered with depression and breakdowns most of my life, I wish parents would realise that children are human beings not weapons to be picked up and dropped when thay feel like it. I am only just seeing a light at the end of my tunnel and I am now 38,but through all my problems I had one thing my Mum and I still have her.Unlike my husband who had nowhere to turn because of selfish adults. I would love to see a happy ending for your bil so I will carry on thinking about him every day.You are a great support Sammy and obviously a caring person just the support he needs. Denise.