Genealogy Chat

Sammy Judging by her medical condition it sounds like she would have difficulty in answering the door to anybody. I would bet the carers gain access via a key where they have been given permission to use it! Regarding sending more mail, I would personally wait a while to see if there is any response from the letter BIL posted today. If not, I would then concider telephoning the neighbour(s) explaining that bIL is having difficulty making contact and that there is concern about mrs H***** wellbeing. Im not sure if it's a good idea for BIL to say who he is at the moment though, as this may worry them and they could consequently become concerned and not want to get involved. I suppose he could always say he was a distant relative/friend enquiring about mrs H***** health, then play it by ear, so to speak! If BIL is not successful via telephone he could always ask one of the neighbour's if they would deliver a letter when carers are not there, having said that, it's back to whether she will/can answer the door or if its a case of the 'carers opening her mail', she may not recieve it anyway! Another thought: BIL could also approach the carers directly and explain his concerns about her health, you never know, he may recieve some sympathy and with that some info too! It is a difficult situation Sammy, I don't think there is a 'sure' way to sort this out! Lib

Sam, it is a start. It didn't go as I'd hoped, but it IS a start! Still thinking of you. :-) Joy

Sammy, so sorry to hear BiL's visit didn't go as planned. Thinking of him and hope he tries again - just in case she isn't getting the mail. Jan xx

Hi Sammy, first contribution to the thread, but have followed with interest. Just a suggestion, but maybe a good idea would be for BIL to take a different tack with these 'carers'. If it were me, I would be waiting for the carers to arrive, and approach them - suck up big time, like I never meant any harm, but can't rest now till I know she's OK, I'm sure you'd understand .. if it where your mum, the grievance was between the parents not the child .. I just want to know if she has everything she needs, is she getting proper health care .. can I assist in any way .. I respect her right to privcy if thats what she wants .. Get them on side, milk them for info - then form an opinion as to what sort of 'carer' they are and where to go from there. I would leave the neighbours out of it until I'd tried that course - because you would never know who the 'carers' were related to, or working with, or friends with so you might build a wall you could never get over. Good luck - thoughts and prayers Laurie

Hi Sammy, Sadly dissapointing but surley not defeated,,,,,? Kay.

Hi Sammy, I have not added to this thread before but have also followed it with great interest. I am so sorry that your BIL did not get to meet his mother. I agree with everything that Laurie in Oz has said, I'm sure that would be the best way to go. I really do feel for your BIL, he must have so many emotions buzzing around in his head, but he is also so lucky to have your sister and you to give him all the support you both have. I truly hope this story will have a happy ending and that he doesn't give up. Thinking of him and wishing him lots of luck when he visits her again, Ann

Sorry to hear that it did'nt go as he had hoped, he must of felt so down after that. Hopefully he will hear back from her...fingers crossed.

Hi Sammy As a lot of other members I have been watching this thread with much interest. I do feel so sorry for your BIL he must be devastated going all that way and not being able to see her. I wish him all the best in whatever he decides to do in the future and hope that the outcome will be a pleasant one. Tell him to keep his chin up and keep trying Regards Jackie

Also never added before but have been following for a while, so sorry things didnt go plan, hope everything works out xxx

Thank you all for your thoughts & good wishes. I agree with the approach towards the carers, we do not know for certain whether they are legitimate or not, but it is definitely a better way to play it by letting them think we believe them to be genuine. I even wondered about sending a letter to Mrs H*** address F.A.O. Mrs Jones. She couldn't be any less helpful than his mother anyway. Sam

It has nothing to do with the carers who should see or who should not. his mum I bet would love to see her son to sort things in the way what happened to them when he was younger.(settle some old ghosts before she goes & have piece of mind). You go for it & visit her before it's too late. It would give your brother in law the know that he was able to see his mum bfore she dies. He'll need you Sammy to get through this, are you going with him? Best of luck Sammy & to your brother in law, x

Maybe it would be an idea to ring the Social Services and see if they can help... if they go and see her, it would be nothing really to do with whoever is her carer.... could the carer be another relative who maybe doesn't want you to see her for some reason? It is worth trying, because if this had been the case and it was my mother, nothing would stop me from seeing her, even if it was to tell me to go away. But I would need that telling me by her , not a carer. Give it a go, you've got nothing to lose by doing it. And good luck. Anne :))

i have been glued to this thread for 3 days, and am soo disappointed that your bil didn't get to see his mum. may i make a suggestion, this has been mentioned before. but i think you should persue the GP route. find out all the GP's in her area, bearing in mind they don't have big catchment areas, phone each one, explain to the receptionist, who bil is & that you understand about patient confidentiality, but if MRS ........IS a patient at that surgery could her GP please phone. i often have to ring around different GPs in the locality of a patients address, simply because the only GP they remember retired 20yrs ago, or the surgery they attended no longer exists. actually i have been surprised at the no. of receptionist who do tell me that the patient is indeed registered there. best way is to say (and i never told you this lol) 'hello i'm calling about a patient of yours....a Mrs .......' you will probably get asked the address or date of birth then hopefully they will check the computor and either deny or confirm she is registered there it might just work best of luck in whatever step your BIL takes Bev

Hi Sammy, So sorry to hear BIL didn't get to see his Mum. My Mum is housebound, so the neighbours would probably call her as living as a recluse, shame is she has no choice but she does have care twice a day, but they are only there for a short while each time, at the most 45 mins, it's arranged through SS,but it is a private company that carry out the work. I really would like to know is who on earth does her shopping if she can't ?? Someone must? Best wishes Amanda x

Thank you all again for you replies, I didn't realise I've had most of you on the edge of your seats for weeks :) Bev... Thank you for your idea re the GP, the date of birth would catch my BIL out though, we have not been able to find that out as she was adopted. We have his parents marriage cert, it says his mother was 20yrs of age in Nov 1968 when she married. It gave her fathers name, but obviously that was her adoptive father. So many questions are unanswered. Ann... my BIL plagued the hell out of Social Services in the early days, they would not move an inch, the simply would not tell him anything, their hands were tied. This was the case at both Gloucester & Aberystwyth. Who knows, they may well ahve contacted his mum and were told directly from her that she wanted no contact and no info to be given to him. Amanda.. I must admit, when BIL told me what he has asked the neighbour I thought, 'why didn't you ask who does her shopping etc..' but that's a woman's thought process isn't it? But you're right, someone must, and gt her money, cut the grass, walk the dog but I know that may not happen. Sam

Oh Sammy, I can't help but feel for tha poor woman - adopted, bad marriage, having to leave baby behind imagine the feelings of rejection she must have endured - not to mention the damage to self esteem. Now - when she is at her worst, when the package is wearing out, and she is not in control of so much of her life, her baby comes back on the scene and because of how her life is she could fear rejection again. Its a scenario that could lead to so many different mixtures of feelings (real & imagined) and emotions. As I see it . . the worse case senario for BIL is that mum doesn't want to see him - but he has to hear it direct from her, and she has to hear from him that he want his mum and a grandmother for his child. If they never do have a relationship - he still has to make sure that she knows he wanted one. If you look for worst possible - anything else has to be better. I do so hope he doesn't give up on her - in the meantime a good thing for him to do would be to get together a scrap book of his life, photos through the ages, school reports, sports stuff, career moves etc to have it for her. Wheres my magic wand when I need it . . . . Gawd, just read what I've written - what was that psychology 101 - Ah well here goes the send button, cheers Laurie

I dont suppose he tried the doorhandle -did he? So many of the housbound (recluse or not ) leave the door open quite simply because they cannot get to the door if anyone knocks. Oh if we could re-wind time and have him there on the doorstep and shot out instructions! shout thru the window... try the door... ask the neighbour.... I do feel for him Jess

Try the door handle Jess?? He's a law-abiding citizen you know ;) I know he doesn't want to scare her, and she (or any carer who may have been in the house but told not to answer the door) could have called the police, I expect she's got one of those pull-cord thingies in the event of any problems healthwise, so I don't think it would have even crossed his mind to do that. Again though, that's us women isn't it!! We'd be in there....LOL! I would have peered through the window too, he is still wanting to tread so gently, let her know he means no harm, no hard feeling etc... I still have a really strong feeling that this woman is mentally unstable, the time will have to come when BIL just goes for it, no holds barred otherwise he's not going to get anywhere. Sam

Hi Sammy, Don't give up on Bev's idea, I must have missed something as I didn't realise that his Mum was adopted, your thread is too long to read back now, BUT just because she was adopted it doesn't mean you can't get her adoption cert for her DOB. I did it last year for a GR member at the FRC in the normal way as ordering a birth. but you use a different form for adoption certs from the Adopted Childen's Register. I think you can do this on the phone with them, but if not you need a kind soul to lookup her adoption details in the register at the FRC. I don't think we are giving up yet, we are still with you!! Best wishes Amanda x

Hi Sammy I hope you don't mind but I nudged this thread didn't want to lose it as we are all still hoping your BIL gets to see his Mum. Please keep us informed Regards Jackie