Genealogy Chat

Both grandparents had made provision for their funerals

Dear Sammy, I was just checking your thread for any news, this is a terrible time for anyone to go through, let alone when your BIL is trying to deal with his BM. My heart goes out to you and your family, I lost my Dad last month, he was my Mum's carer, so I know how BIL feels. I'm crying with you. Hope his Grandad will be ok. Much love Amanda x

Hi So sorry for your family. Have followed this thread but never posted until now. Love and Sympathy sent from this home to yours. Lyndy xx

Sam, Really sorry to hear this sad news and am passing through to offer my condolences. At the time, we never know 'why now' or 'why this', but somehow with the passage of time, things become clearer. It is another 'turning point' in BIL's life - OK a desperately sad one, but still a major life-affecting or changing occurence. He won't be able to think of anything positive right now and will be doggedly hanging onto every happy memory - they do stay with you anyway, but you only find that out later. More than anything, he'll need people to 'be there' for him - and Sam, I can't think of anyone better to do that for him than you, you've been such a loyal friend. Love to you all Jane (now with tears in eyes too)

I have been following the thread for a while now. Please send my condolences to your BIL. I do hope that there is light at the end of this tunnel. x

Sammy, I just don't know what to say. I couldn't believe what I was reading, that this happened especially at this time. I hope BIL finds the inner strength to cope with things at the moment. My heart goes out to him and his Grandad. Thank God he has you all for family. Take care, Glenys x

Dear Sammy, have been reading this thread from the start, never had anything interesting to add so I never bothered. You and BIL seem to be getting plenty of help,suggestions etc. But at this sad time in BILs life I would like to say how very sorry I was to read of the passing of his Nan. I well know the feeling when your world collapes around you at the death of someone whose heart beats with yours, (my Grandma) But though things are now rocky and patchy, they do get better ,-eventually- 'memories make the warmest blanket' (my grandma used to say.) But I am sure it doesn't feel like it at the moment. Please pass on my sympathies to your BIL and your sister. Keep on being there for them, as I am sure you are their 'ROCK' at this time. Regards Anna x also with tears in her eyes

Dear Sammy I've been following this thread, with only an occasoinal contribution - but this is definitely time for another. Please add my condolences to your BiL in the midst of such a stressful and poignant time. As to his father's contribution - perhaps father has lost sight of the fact that BiL is not only his son (i.e. child) but a grown adult, now. Does BiL feel he can tell his father that he is grateful for the kind offer to look after everything, but he (BiL) really would like to have a significant part in the process as part of his own grieving and in acknowledgement of all his grandparents have done for him. This could be seen as less confrontational, whilst still providing an opportunity for input. best wishes Christine

Dear Sammy, I also have been reading all the messages of support for your BIL, my thoughts are with him at this difficult time.His letter to his mother reduced me to tears.My father was told by his mother she never wanted to see him again because he called the doctor in as she was not looking after herself(shortened version). My dad was so hurt and afraid of rejection that he kept putting off getting back in touch. Needless to say, when he finally made his choice to try again he found out his mother had died, then the guilt of it should have been done sooner.Tell BIL to follow his heart, rejection is hard but it does heal in time, at least he would have done everything humanly possible. Hope something can be sorted. Best wishes to everyone concerned Jenny

Dear Sam, I'm still following this thread and today checked in only to find sad news, so sorry to hear about your Bil@s nan, please accept my condolences, to you , your BIL and family .

Ah Sammy, Sorry to read your BIL's news - you have been so supportive and have had a lot on your plate too. My thoughts are with you all. love Christine ps this is one of my favourites hope it's of some comfort Do not stand at my grave and weep, I am not there, I do not sleep. I am a thousand winds that blow. I am the diamond glint on snow. I am the sunlight on ripened grain. I am the gentle autumn rain. When you wake in the morning hush, I am the swift, uplifting rush Of quiet birds in circling flight. I am the soft starlight at night. I am the song that will never end. I am the love of family and friend. I am the child who has come to rest In the arms of the Father who knows him best. When you see the sunset fair, I am the scented evening air. I am the joy of a task well done. I am the glow of the setting sun. Do not stand at my grave and weep, I am not there, I do not sleep. Do not stand at my grave and cry. I am not there, I did not die!

Thank you everyone, especially Christine for your lovely words. It is 2 weeks today that BIL's mother would have received his last letter. I have sent my BIL's mother a card today, one of those blank on the inside, (I had BIL's blessing) My sister & I have been so worried about him since his Gran died, and he is obviously got so much to deal with right now, that to top it all he could have another letter arriving anytime telling him to leave her alone/never write again etc... I put this Dear Mrs H**** My name is Sammy, I am R**** sister, R**** & your son have been together long enough for me to consider him my brother-in-law. It was with my help that your son found you, and I know of the letters he has sent to you and also of the reply he received from your carer, Mrs Jones. I write to you with ****'s best interests to tell you that his Gran died on Friday. I have tried to think of the magic words that will tug at your heart, and encourage you to contact your son, but his last letter has not touched you.... then maybe there just aren't any. All I ask is that you do not send another rejection letter. **** has been so down since the letter from your carer, saying you are very ill & do not wish to have contact. He is now devastated at the death of his Grandmother, as you can imagine. If ever there was the perfect time to receive a postive response from you, this is it. He is a lovely man and you would be proud of him and his family. If you could find it in your heart to get in touch with him, I know he would be the happiest person on earth. I am ever hopeful that this will have a happy ending for **** Kind regards Sammy I also enclosed the cutting from tonights local newspaper with his Gran's death announcement. My BIL is mentioned specifically, so I am pleased his father at least did that for him, although his father's partner (the one who did not want BIL around 33yrs ago) has said he shouldn't be grieving, he has no right, he was JUST HER GRANDSON! I have no words for the contempt I feel for that woman, and I've never met her. The funeral is Friday at 9am. I'll keep you all informed Very grateful for the support from you all....you're smashing Sam xxx

Hi Sammy - Excellent letter - good move. We can only hope it makes his BM look at things in a different and more positive way and respond accordingly. As for his 'stepmother's' reaction - I'd say 'unbelievable' if I didn't know a family where the mother wouldn't allow the young children to grieve when their father died, claiming that the loss was hers alone!! (But that was nearly 80 years ago.) It takes all sorts ....... ! I DO hope your b-i-l is being allowed to carry out the wishes of his grandmother and her husband. As someone said on here, these major family events can set changes in motion in family dynamics - I'm sure we all hope that from this very sad event will eventually come a new and happier era for you b-i-l. Warmest wishes to you and your family - they're so lucky to have all your warm and constructive support. Will be thinking of you on Friday. Liz

That's a really lovely message - I'm praying that it will deliver the right response. Just wish I could be a fly on the wall when/if she gets to read it. I have my misgivings about Mrs Jones - Is she genuinely passing on Mrs H's wishes or is she making herself indispensible to Mrs H and doesn't want intruders spoiling her cosy arrangement? Sorry I'm being a cynic here - I just wish someone could go and speak to Mrs H and get the full story from the horses mouth so to speak. It's so frustrating for you and for us who are following your saga. Say a prayer to St Anthony and St Jude.

Sound like a good move. Hopefully his Mother will have an image in her mind of the Grandmother - my only fear would be that the mother hated the grandmother- still, its a chance that she may have a shred of compassion, ad will achieveve the letter/communication/contact he so wants. Jess

Hi everyone I don't imagine BIL's mother will care about her MIL's death really, and I don't mean that in a callous way. I wrote in the hope it makes her think, the only person her own son had, remotely like a mother, was indeed his grandmother, and now he's lost her. He is so sad about that, understandably, she had reached the grand old age of 78, and I'm sure in time he will have lots of lovely memories to take the place of the sadness, but his grief is also magnified because of the recent rejection from his mother You have all expressed shock & disbelief at the first letter that my BIL received, be it from his mother or Mrs ''Jones'', with or without his mothers knowledge (we just don't know do we), I just don't want him getting another one of those in the near future. If she's going to reject him again then she can save it and do it face to face. BIL seems adamant now that he will pay her a visit next month.

Sammy, Thoughts and prayers for you and your family tomorrow. Wish we could all do more for you Love Anne...x

Have sent you a PM Sammy XX Sioux

Dear Sammy, Just to say I hope tomorrow goes as well as can be expected for you all. The letter is a great idea, you are one strong lady, bless you. Maybe BIL will find it easier to deal with his BM after losing his Nan who he loved so much all his life, I do hope so. Hope his Grandad is doing ok under the circumstances. Best wishes Amanda x

Hi Sammy, Will be thinking of you all tomorrow,,as I'm sure we all will,, we have been following thread with intrest,,, I certainly hope that your letter has the desired effect;, Kay,