Genealogy Chat

It's a difficult one - again, it all comes down to not knowing. Not knowing how my BM is feeling, or how Mum will feel when I tell her I've been searching - not knowing how I myself will react further down the line. I think I'll probably talk to Mum at the weekend as my boyfriend and I are visiting her for her birthday. It's her actual birthday on the Saturday, so I won't bring it up then because it's her day. As Jess suggested, I could say on Sunday 'thinking about birthdays, I've been wondering about my own birth recently' etc. Here was me thinking that all the problems would be solved the moment I got my BM's address! S xx

Hi Jess, Not behind anyones back, But i belive Susan put her self there as well,,and a match was found,,so its gone from there to this stage,,,,looks like b/m has given her consent to have her details known,,, Kay,

Don't feel pressured knowing that she knows you have her details. Take your time, wait until you've spoken with your real mum at the weekend.You'll need breathing space after that as well I would think. She will need time to take on board that you 'may' contact her. Just because she on the contact board doesn't mean shes ready for you, it may be a while since she did . she be going thru a whole range of emotins too(will she like me,will she understand, will she forgive me,will she hate me, has she had a happy life, did I do the right thing giving her up, should I tell her......) Just think when you send an email to someone on here you may wait two, three weeks ,longer before you get a response. I think you could comfortably have her details for a month or longer and her not expect a conntact. Take a deep breath, be sure your comfortable, what you do may effect you for life so take it one step at a time. ((((((hugs)))))) Louise

I think that is wrong! You might never have wanted to meet her/contact her! i suppose everyone has 'equal rights' though.

Hi Susan, You obvousily have a few issues to deal with first,,but remember you are under no time limit to contact your b/m,she will realise you need time,and she will understand if you dont contact her by return,,,and a journey only you can take,but like you say you could let her know by a short letter you just need to get your emotions sorted,,, Kay,

The letter from the Contact Register said something like 'your mother has been informed that her details have been sent to you, but we have not sent her your details'. So she knows that I have her address. I suppose they do that so it doesn't come as a massive surprise when contact is made.

Did you instruct the contact register to do that? They have put you in a difficult place.... Jess x

Thank you for the continued good advice! It's been over a week since I received my BM's details from the Contact Register. I never sent the letter that I wrote last week because I felt so bad about keeping it a secret from Mum. I've decided to tell Mum about it, possibly next weekend (although it is her birthday on Saturday!) Now, weirdly, I feel bad for not sending the letter to my BM. The Contact Register have told her that I've got her details, although she hasn't got mine. So now I'm worrying that she'll be wondering why I haven't written to her yet! My boyfriend suggested that I write BM a brief letter telling her that I have her details and will write a longer letter when I've sorted things out in my head - but this might sound cold and weird. I'd probably be better just waiting til I've spoken to Mum. What can another few weeks hurt when I haven't seen BM for nearly 25 years! S xx

Hi Susan, I think you are showing just what a very thoughtful and mature daughter you are;;;firstly you have hit it in one,,,please make your mums birthday one she will remember as a happy one,,,not clouded with talk of your bio mother,,,,she shouldnt really be invited to this birthday of your mums.....put it on the back burner,,,,,till you are clearer Neither of you will know what you want from this contact till you've met,,,. We are all here for you,,, Kay.

I think up in the hills would be lovely. Don't launch into the subject the moment you get out of the car though! That is real quality time and if your mum then wants to draw your dad and Boyfriend into the conversation, then she'll just pause and let them catch up if they are wandering behind I think it would be great, and if she suddenly starts talking about the scenery you know the subject is closed! Go for it, seize the moment!! Jess

Sorry back again - just had a thought Do you think your Mum would act as a go-between and contact your bm for you? I know you want to do this yourself but having been there, got the t shirt - I feel you might need someone you can rely on to give a different perspective on the situation. It would give your Mum the opportunity to support you and not feel excluded/sidelined and also be a big shoulder to cry on should things not quite work out as you hoped. Emotions really do catch you unawares. You could also bounce ideas off each too as to how to approach her/follow up etc.

That's a good idea! On Mum's birthday we're going walking in the Lake District, so I could walk ahead with Mum and let Dad walk with my boyfriend (he'll love that - it's only the second time he's met my parents and is still a bit nervous!) and have a bit of a chat. Or maybe I could stay up late with Mum on the Saturday night and have a chat, incase things get emotional - it may be a better environment than halfway up a mountain... I feel more comfortable with the idea of telling Mum now. I think that's what has stopped me sending the letter to BM. It's going to be hard enough contacting my BM without having to try and keep secrets that could damage my relationship with Mum. Thanks so much for your advice. It's lovely to chat to a fellow adoptee. Has anyone read any books about adoption? I've read The Primal Wound by Nancy Verrier, and today I sent off for a couple more off Amazon - the Reunion Handbook, and one about the Adopted Self. I found the Primal Wound interesting, although it's quite American-focussed. S xx

Actually... as you are going to see your Mum on her birthday, surely it would be an ideal opportunity to just slip in something along the lines of ''Birthdays? I've been thinking about my birth quite a bit...i'm going to have a lok around and see what i can find out'' - just in a quiet moment? leave it at that, say nothing more unless she wants to discuss it further.Obviously dont 'drop it into the conversation' at say a big party when she cannot talk about it if she wants, You know what i mean,- Pick your moment. I never went into the ''I'll love you no less... '' bit, I didn't want to sow the seed of doubt, or even raise the idea. You know your Mum best Jess - again!!

Kay - it was a big relief at first to find that my BM had put her details on the register. I suddenly felt less rejected, if that makes sense! But what I'm scared of now is that we will want different things. And what is doubly confusing is that I don't actually know what I want at this stage. Louise - that's a good idea to write a letter to my Mum (i agree with you that my adoptive mum is my real mum - I hate it when people use 'real mum' to describe birth mums. And I also hate it when magazines refer to Angelina Jolie's kids as 'adopted children' - can't they just be called her children??) I'm starting to think that talking to Mum face-to-face might be best. I'm going up north to see her for her birthday next weekend, but I don't know if this would be a good opportunity as my boyfriend is coming with me. He knows all about it, but I think it is a conversation that needs to happen just between me and Mum (& Dad). Also, I don't think it would be a very nice thing to bring up on Mum's birthday! The more I think about it, the more I feel that I should tell Mum & Dad. Even if I say something like 'I've been doing some research, and am probably going to contact Xxxxx. I just wanted you to know - it won't change how much I love you, but I feel I need to do it to answer some questions and sort some things out in my life'. I just feel as if I owe it to Mum & Dad to be honest with them. They are so good to me - the last thing I want to do is hurt them. S xx

Hi Jess, Yes Iquite agree,but the first and biggest most fear for everyone in this situation is -rejection,,,,,but in this case can at least go into this knowing there wont be,,,,but as you rightly commented they hold the strings and can go as far as they are comfortable with. Luck is wished for a successful out come, kay.

I can only imagine what you're going thru , but just an idea about your real mum (not bio mum) Why not write her a letter to? You find it hard to bring the subject up, you want to share it with her but don't want to cope/worry about her feelings(in the nicest way i mean), you feel bad for not sharing with her because you know she want to be involved, you're not keen on telephones, well a letter seems the answer! You can explain all your worries, just like you have on here and you know she'll understand,she raised you! You can also tell her that you feel like you need to do this alone but want to share with her,etc etc I think if you start the letter it'll flow. Whatever you do I wish you all the very best. Louise

Kay, as i understand from what Susan is saying is that she fear that her birth mother will want MORE than she want to/feels she might be able to give. I may be wrong. Jess

Just a quick tuppence worth. As she's on contact list - its possible she may want more of a relationship than you are ready for. You may just want to meet your mother once or twice to know who you are and where you come from. You may want to keep in touch forever and become great friends or you may never want to see her again - You just don't know. I searched for many years for my bm (after my parents died) but I didn't forsee any contact with the extended families and many half siblings. Some of these have been extremely good others not so. I say be prepared but you won't be - your emotions will be on a roller coaster that you will have great difficulty controlling. You'll need someone to talk everything over with - include your Mum in this - she may surprise you - and as she knows you be able to give you some good advice. Also a adoption counsellor who has experience of the sort of problems you might face.

Hi Susan, Your B/M has placed her details for contact,doesnt that tell it all,,,as everyone will agree not all B/M are the same,,,and I feel that there is a great deal amount of love they feel for their child,,,but circumstances in her life prevented her keeping you,,,, You know now you have the option,to quell all your fears of rejection.... Kay.

Nothing will ever change what your Mum is to you. she is your mum,and always will be. She was the one that gave you unconditional love- remember? That wasn't your B/M. She gave you for someone else to love and even if you got on brilliantly when you meet she will NEVER take the role of mother back from your Mum, You and I know that I am sure your mum does too. So i'll guess you'll do the 'sending of the letter' soon. its in a way is irrational , that posting a letter can be so hard emotionally,When it has gone from the post box you'll think ''well its done now'' and yet it is only the start! THEN the worrying starts! will she reply? what will she be like? and about 1000 etc!! Just remeber it YOUR journey - YOU have the accelerator pedal and the brakes. You go at your pace. jess x