Genealogy Chat

Been away on holiday and just catching up. all sounds very exciting and whizzing along. Just an observation though - I have a very open and honest relationship with my Mum and dad- and think the thing that would hurt them most is reference to another person that I gave the title 'Mum' or 'dad' to. I am careful not to do this and only ever make ref to Mrs G.... and 'the boys she had before me'. I suppose it is trying to make sure that no-body gets displaced either in your mind or possibly more crutially their mind. jess x

just take your time susan to take everything in it will all work out fine in the end.i have 3 birth aunties dying to meet me,they are my birth fathers sisters but have never met my birth parents either and dont have contact with them,one of my brothers wasnt very happy with me been intouch with them,found all my brothers 3yrs ago and finding it very hard to actually arrange to meet my aunties because of my feelings and if my brother found out dont think he would be to happy,best of luck with everything you decide angie xxxxx

Well I have just read all the threads to your story Susan and Im so happy for you and when you met them im sure things will work out, I think meeting your Aunt first sounds a good idea and im sure your bm will not mind. Im was not adopted but my Mum left when I was 18months old and I never met her Im 44 now and I found her in april this year with help from someone on here only to find out she died in 1999 age 81 but since then have made contact with my mums sister and some cousions, she also had a son after me who I have now met and he new nothing about me which meant my mum took everything to her grave.....I had to tell my half brother that he had 5 brothers and 1 sister.....but only three of us are ok with him and he fulling understands... Cant wait to read the next installment. Jennie

You're right, Essex Girl, I need to tell Mum & Dad as soon as possible, especially since it looks like I might be meeting my birth aunt sooner rather than later. It's just so hard to disturb the secrecy that has always existed in my family. Things will never be the same when I've told them, even though they will probably have been expecting it. Sorry to hear that your daughter has been deceitful. The last thing I want to do is hurt my parents, so I will go up north (maybe next weekend) to talk to them about what has been going on. S xx

Susan I sat reading your story last night, couldnt go to sleep for ages afterwards. Can i as a Mum of a 'secretive' daughter say something to you. If you Mum is going to be hurt by you looking up your BM then you are not helping by keeping things from her. I presume at some time you intend to tell her what you have been doing behind her back, dont you think the longer you leave it the worse and harder it is going to get? For both of you!! The latest 'ploy' my daughter has done is to sign up to go back to Uni for a year, the Uni is 12 miles away, she starts this Tuesday, and last weekend she calmly tells us she is moving out into rooms in someone else house, not only that, but she has been paying for this room for over a month. None of it makes sense, she is leaving a well paid job, doing a very intensive course that will make it hard to work part-time, and we had no intentions of expecting her to pay her way while at Uni But the most annoying thing is that she looked at rooms, found one and started paying for it over a month ago without saying a word. Her reason for not saying anything was ' I knew you would be upset' Yes, we are upset, but also bloody mad that she could be so deceitful. I know your situation is much more delicate but i still think the bomb shell you are going to drop on her will be even harder to understand the longer it goes on. It is only natural that she is going to question why you didnt tell her, to you it is logical, but she is going to think to herself that once you have done something behind her back you will keep on doing it. She will torture herself with the fact that you might on the sly be visiting this other family, you might find a bond there that is missing with her and her husband. Believe me, when someone does things behind your back your mind runs away with all sorts os stupid things. You say you dont like the telephone and yet you also say you speak to your Mum almost every day on the phone, sound s to me as if you are just making excuses not to tell her. In any case, thats not the sort of thing to tell anyone on the phone, nor in a letter. You say she isnt expecting you to visit for a few months, in that case, turn up on her door step, on your own, not with boyfriend, straight away, if this is unusual then you are going to have the perfect opening, she will know something is up and ask you why you have come back so soon. There will probably been lots of tears and even a few things could be said in anger, but it will be out in the open, but dont hide anything else from her!!! My bet is that she already has a clue what you are up to, i knew something was going on with my daughter, just didnt realise what (we thought she had gone back with a boyfriend no-one liked) So take a tip. get on that train or in that car and go back and see your parents and tell them as soon as possible, the longer you leave it the worse it will be, also you might not think it, but if you are normally an honest person, all this deceit will start to affect you as well, especially if you meet any of the other family before letting your parents know!! I wish you all the luck in the world, it cant be easy. But tell your parents what you are doing!! Essex Girl

I'm feeling really strange about it this morning. Last night I was so happy - I couldn't stop looking at the photos. And now, I don't know - I just feel like I don't know what to do next. I've been waiting to see my BM's face for so long, and now that I have, I feel as if I've got to a crossroads, and I'm not sure which way to go. She told me that I have an aunt (my birth father's sister) who lives a few stops away from me on the Tube. She is very keen to meet me, but doesn't know where my birth father is. I'd love to meet her too, and it would be very convenient because we live so close. I'll tell my BM in my next letter to give my address to my birth aunt, but do you think my BM would be offended if I met up with my aunt first, before meeting her? I very much want to meet my BM, but she lives up north, and it would take quite a bit of planning. But since my birth aunt lives so close.... it would be easy, and less scary! But my BM might be annoyed, and feel put out. And a big part of me wants her to be the first birth relative that I meet. S xx

hi susan well i know just how your feeling to,when i first spoke to my brother on the fone after 35yrs apart was realy emotional but it was the first letter and picture i recieved that made it all so real im spitting image of him,its been nearly 3yrs since we first met and im still on cloud nine and we keep intouch regular lots of hugs for you susan at this very emotional time xxxxx

I'm having a weep as I read this as I know exactly how you must be feeling. The first blood relative I ever met was my own son and he looks like his dad !!!!

Susan that's amazing and as I'm going out tonight I'll raise a glass in celebration of you finding your birth family. I bet you can't take your eyes off of the photos. Keep us informed about any meetings you might have with them in the future. Aileenx

I've just got home, and the letter was there waiting for me. I was shaking when I opened it. Five photos were inside. I am still shaking as a write this! She sent me one of her when she was 20, holding a kitten (I love cats!) and her eyes and hands are just like mine! Then there were two of her when she was 32 and 40. The one that struck me most was one of my birth father. He looks so similar to me - it is frightening. My BM wrote in the letter that he is a Cockney wideboy! with lots of family in the part of London near where I live now. His sister (my birth aunt) is keen to meet me. She is on the photo too, and looks lovely. The fifth photo was of my four younger half brothers. They are all tall and gangly like me, with the same skinny legs and knobly knees I had when I was little! This will take a long time to sink in. I'm going into town to have a stiff drink with my best friend now, so chatting with him will help! Phew. I can't believe I have finally seen people who look like me! S xx

IM SO PLEASED FOR YOU SUSAN WILL LOG IN LATER TO SEE UPDATE LOTS OF HUGS ANGIE XXXX

I should be opening the letter at 6 o'clock.... I'll let you know! S xx

Oh WOW I'm now on the edge of my seat and getting all 'goosey' at the thought of you opening that envelope when you get home tonight. Apart from pics there could even be a phone number inside!!!.....I'll be logged on here tomorrow to see your post so don't forget to let us know. Ax

Are you home yet? ;-) I've been following your thread and think what a wonderful young woman you are... your parents must be very proud of you. I do hope you have a happy reunion with your birth mother and it's every thing you want it to be. Regards and good luck Gerry.

My boyfriend checked the mail this morning after I'd left for work, and he called me to tell me that there's a letter there from my BM! He said he thinks there are photos inside because it feels quite heavy. So tonight I might be looking at a picture of my blood relatives for the first time! I wonder if she's sent any of my brothers too. I'm so excited! I'm also scared, because I'll finally be able put a face to someone who has been a big mystery and fantasy my whole life. I can't wait to get home! S xx

Susan I can so see why you have not brought this up properly with your parents in the past. I would probably have been the same if I were in your predicament. Had you been a 'wild child' like my mum's friend's daughter then you would have mentioned it many times before no doubt. Personally I think there is no way that you will be any less of a daughter to your mum and dad by telling them about your birth mother and that you have made contact. Even though you've only spoken twice about your adoption to them I'm sure they have imagined the day when you would tell them that you wished to seek out your past. I can only reiterate that by including them would be the nicest thing you could do. As parents we all want what's best for our kids and often what they choose to do as adults is not what we would desire for them but it's better to support them and 'pick up any pieces' where necessary that reject them because of their choices. I'm sure your folks will support you all the way. Write your letter and send a photocopy of this post. It is definitely better to spill your heart on to paper than make a phone call because you'll know you've left nothing unsaid. Please keep us informed God bless Aileen x

You're right - I definitely need to talk to Mum & Dad about this. It's just so hard to bring it out into the open with them. We've only discussed my adoption twice in the past 24 years - once when I was 7 and then again when I was 22. It's silly of me to carry on this secrecy, because I'm sure they would have been willing to talk to me about my adoption if I'd brought it up more over the years, but I never did. I guess deep down I think it will hurt them if I mention being adopted, and make me less of their daughter, but this surely isn't the case. I wrote another letter to my BM yesterday, and enclosed some photos of me. She should receive it today... She has to go through the anxiety of telling her sons about me, so I guess I need to tell my parents about her so there aren't any lies or secrets. Showing my parents this thread is a good idea, or writing them a letter. Phonecalls are so hard for this kind of thing. I won't be seeing them face-to-face for a couple of months now, so I think a letter might be the way to go. Thanks for listening to my rambles! S xx

Susan, I have followed this thread avidly and can only wish you all the very best for the future. You sound like a wonderful, caring person and your 'real parents' are very fortunate to have adopted you! I do feel that you should tell your parents about your b/mum, preferably before you have exchanged lots of letters with her. It will be a shock to them at first but then I believe they will be honoured to think you have included them in such a sensitive issue. My mum's friend was in a similar situation and she helped her adopted daughter trace her b/mother (the daughter was so bitter that she had been adopted and it was only when she met her b/m that she actually was thankful that her 'real mum' had chosen her, if you get my drift!) Julie's idea about printing off this thread is a brilliant one because it is a diary of your dilemma yet it shows just how much you love your parents and they will be able to read it for themselves. God bless Aileenx

regarding your adoptive parents, I wonder if it would be a good idea to print off this whole thread and let them read it. They would be able to toally understand it all then as you have written openly and honestly and sensitively.

Really happy for you Susan. I'm not adopted myself, so I don't know what you're going through, I'm really glad this has a good outcome. Keep us updated! Chloe x