Genealogy Chat

I'm back in London now after the weekend up North. It didn't go particularly well I'm afraid, but I think things will be ok. I put it off until Sunday. I was having a cup of tea in the sitting room with Mum while Dad was watching the football in the lounge. I said 'Mum, can we talk about my adoption?' and she burst into tears. I came out with it really quickly because I was so nervous about hurting her. I said 'I've decided that I'd like to find the woman who gave birth to me'. (I didn't want to use the term 'birth mother') Mum couldn't stop crying, so I decided not to tell her that I've already found L (my BM), so just said I had put my name on the contact register. It was clear that Mum doesn't want me to search, and doesn't understand why I want to. She said 'I remember when we talked about this two years ago, you stamped your foot and said 'Give me names!''. I NEVER said that! I just asked her 'Do you know their names?'. I assured her that she will always be my Mum, and nothing will change that, but it didn't seem to help. She asked me if I have talked to anyone about this, and I told her I confided in my boyfriend and my best friends. She was horrified by this, and asked if I had been talking to my aunty (her sister) about it. I was surprised, and said no, I hadn't talked to anyone else in the family about it. She said 'You'd better tell your father.' and called my Dad in. I told him, and he was very calm about it. He said 'I'll tell you what I know about it.' I wanted to tell him not to, because I felt bad that I've already been writing to L and know something of the situation. Mum & Dad started telling me what they know. They both had different stories which was very confusing - Dad said that my birth parents had met in London, and had married. Mum said no, they had met up north and were not married. Then Dad said 'They didn't want children, but it was too late for an abortion. Don't you think that's a very cold, calculating thing to do?' I was very shocked and upset by this, and Dad said 'Well you want to know, don't you?' I don't know if this is true, or if it's something the social worker told them. My BM wrote that she never wanted to give me up, and that the situation was complicated. I guess I'll find out when I meet her, but this is all very confusing. Mum then started telling me about some people I went to school with who are also adopted. I think she was trying to make me feel that I'm not the only one in this situation. She also said 'I don't think you'll have any sisters and brothers'. I know this isn't true, but I don't know why she said it. I'm going to tell her today that I've had a response from the contact register, and basically condense the past month into the next week or so - telling her that I've written to L, and had replies etc. as the weeks go on. This way I will be letting them know what's happened in a way that won't be so much of a shock. She asked me why I felt the need to search, and I tried to tell her that I want to find out about my biological roots and learn about why I was given up. I said that part of me has always felt rejected. She said 'You mustn't feel like that', and I know that rationally I shouldn't, but I always have. I just felt that Mum & Dad didn't understand what I was feeling, or why I need to contact L. I said that I hoped they would rather me tell them instead of keeping it a secret. Mum said she always wants me to be honest, but Dad said he kind of wishes I hadn't told him. It's much more my Dad's way to brush these things under the carpet, which is fine, but I had to tell them because secrets can be so damaging. I'm glad it's out in the open, but I just wish they understood a bit more that my adoption has had an affect on my life, even though they have given me wonderful opportunities and privileges. No amount of love and care can change the fact that I was initially given away by my birth mother, and have been brought up separate from my biological relations. I have accepted this, and I just wish that they would acknowlege this. So I think things are okay at the moment. I'm not looking forward to telling Mum that I'm meeting L next month. I just hope I'm not being selfish. Thanks for reading my posts! S xxx

Hello Susan, Well done for doing the most difficult bit......... I can't think what else to say, so won't say anything!! Very best of luck with the next few weeks..... Well done Merry

Oh Susan my heart goes out to you.I told mine as well and have always regretted it. I thought it was the right thing to do as we lived near where I was born and I didn't wany any clandestine meetings.(ironically my birth mother is in Australia so the problem never arose!) Their reaction was similar to your experience .My dad also more inclined to stay in the background.They made me feel that I'd betrayed them and was rejecting everything they'd done for me .I felt it was the most natural thing in the world to need to do and still feel like that.For weeks afterwards they put the tea cosy over the phone and refused to speak to me.I was so lonely. I was in the middle of a divorce and had a young son .How I carried on with my quest i'll never know but i did and have had contact for 20 years now.with my birth family.Until the day they died we never spoke of it again and it took me years to tell my own children of my other life. I think that the saddest thing about adoption is that you can end up feeling as if you don't belong to either family.I hope this doesn't happen to you. If you need proffessional help try your local After Adoption centre.At the end of the day everyone's experience of this is different but we're all rooting for you and are always here for you.

Thanks, Shanette. I'm sorry your parents reacted like that. I know what you mean - I think it is natural that adopted people might want to search for their biological roots, and it is sad when others don't accept it, although understandable i suppose. I love Mum even though she didn't give birth to me. I love my birth mother even though she didn't bring me up. Mum understands the first part, but not the second. She doesn't understand why I need to contact my birth mother. The thing I resent the most is that she has told me things about my birth mother that are untrue, as if she's trying to put me off finding her. I know she must be worried that I'll go back to my biological family and forget about her, even though I've assured her that this will never happen. And my parents just won't acknowlege that adoption has had an effect on me, despite their love and care.

Hi Susan Well done, it cant have been easy!! Just think, you have been dreading telling your parents just as much as they probably have been dreading it. You gave them a clue a couple of years ago that you would one day probably start looking, and now all their worse fears have come true. It must have been really upsetting for them and i understand how they feel, all you can do now is carry on as you always have done, with the phone calls etc. It is probably the fear of loosing you that they dread, all the talking in the world wont convince them otherwise - but actions will. It must feel like when someone dumps you, it starts as upset and then turns to anger, so be prepared for a rocky ride. I think you went about it in the correct way - not telling them how far you have already got, and cant make my mind up if now you ought to wait for them the ask you questions or not. As for what your Mum said about your BM, maybe she was telling you the truth as she knows it, or maybe over the years her memory has faded a bit. But she was in a panic whatever reason she had for saying what she did, dont hold that against her!!I wish you all the luck in the world but if it were me i wouldnt let myself get too close to this BM, you say you love her - how can you love someone you dont know? maureen

I was also told lies by all sides about my start in life and have now come to the conclusion that people's memories can play tricks on them and they remember what suits them or genuinly forget with time. Sometimes they're trying to make it better for us and sometimes to hold on to us with whatever it takes. As for loving your birth mum then yes I do and I've never met her but then people fall in love all the time on the net don't they!! What's different for me is that I love her for having the courage to do what she thought was right for me at the time and to now acknowledge my existence.Perhaps there is a primaeval bond which can't be fully explained but I really feel it and when I hear her voice or read her words it tears at my heart.We all say that we don't go into these searches with any false hope but most of us if we're honest want the happy ending and the rushing towards us with open arms. After all we've waited a long time for it.

Susan Im so glad to hear you have finally plucked up the courage to tell them. As I said in my last post to you, 'Im sure once your parents have had time to digest and process what is happening they will come to terms with the choice you've made' Well done! Lib xx

Thank you all so much for your replies. It makes me feel so much better to hear that other people have been in similar situations, and can offer advice from other viewpoints. As for my feelings about my birth mother - I do love her. It's very difficult to explain. As you said, Shannette, it must be something primeval, because I loved her even before I knew her name, or knew that she wanted contact with me. It's probably similar to loving a baby in your womb, even though you haven't seen it or met it - you have a connection. Adoptees are in a very strange position when they meet their BMs for the first time. The woman that was once the closest person, is the most distant. We share biology, but are missingmany decades of each others' lives. It's confusing. S xx

Only six days to go until I meet my BM! She's told her other children about me, and they're really happy. I've been texting my half-brother! Hoping to meet them soon. I'm meeting my BM in central London. I'm getting quite nervous. I don't know what I'll say to her. I recently found out that I have two half-sisters and a half-brother on my birth father's side, so I'll hopefully find out more about them when I meet my aunt. My BM is staying with her at the weekend and I'm going to meet her then. S xx

I'd missed a chunk there. has your Mum spoken about it since your return? At least now things are in the open . interesting that Mum told you one thing and dad another. L will probably tell you something completely different again! That leaves you wondering just which is telling the truth - dont try and work that one out, maybe just accept that different people have different versions.My B/M swore blind when my sister met her, that ''of course i didnt have a second daughter by him, i'm not THAT stupid'' Erm..erm.. A figment of someone imagination then am I? Needles to say, she had to change her story...eventually. i do hope it all goes well for you. That meeting is very VERY hard. Can your boyfriend 'wait in the wings' as it were? If you are meeting her alone please PLEASE make it somewhere public - you might not want to do that if you think it will be emotional , but believe me, it does help keep emotions in check. I'm waffling again.... hope it goes well, we're always here... Jess x

Thanks for the advice Jess. I'm meeting my BM in the centre of London in a very public place, which I wasn't too keen on at first, but you're right - it has the potential to be very emotional, and a public location will help to keep things in check. I'm not sure exactly how the day will pan out, but i know that my BM is staying at my aunt (birth father's sister)'s house for the weekend. I think we'll probably go over there at some stage, as my aunt is very keen to meet me, and will be able to tell me about my birth father & relatives. My boyfriend is out of London this weekend (great timing!) but I have friends dotted around the place if I need to escape! I'm just not sure what i will say. I know it will probably come naturally, but what sort of things did people say when they met their BMs? S xx

Hi Susan I am adding to this thread so I don't lose it, as I am following your story with interest. 'A friend' is in a similar situation. I wish you luck and hope it all goes well for you. Tammy

Hi Susan, Just to say the Best of Luck with your meeting, try not to think to harshly of your adoptive parents, at the moment they are probably scared stiff about your search. Also don't forget there will be at least 3 versions of what happened you adoptive parents ,your birth mothers, and somewhere in between the truth. Time does seem to change people version on the facts, as most adoptess on here will tell you. But please be wary of jumping in with both feet, you may feel a bond with your birth mother, but to love her before even meeting her could be setting yourself a hard standard for her to live up to, although to her credit she was on the contact register trying to find you, just let your relationship develop at its own pace, and hopfully things will work out well for all of you. Good Luck Sheila p.s. Tammy have just e-mailed you direct :O)

I have just read your thread from start to finish and found it amazing. I hope it all works out well for you and that your mum will come to understand why you needed to find your biological mum. My husband has a son who was adopted 10 years ago. The son was 3 at the time, and moved with his real mother and adoptive father to Australia. The way it works here in NZ is that when you adopted, they actually change the birth certificate, so unless he has been told, he might never know he is not with his biological father. We would love to know how he is, and if he knows about my husband, but its difficult. I found them ( i think), but when she answered the phone, she denied all knowledge. We would be so happy if he got in touch, but as he is only 13, its unlikely, even if he does know about my husband. Good luck, and I will look out for your update!

What do people say when they meet their birth mothers... Well, there is a question! I rememeber trying to ask all sorts of things abut her and 'him' circumstances, who, what, where and why!- and this was in litttlwoods cafe in luton - and i think every 'specific' i asked she ducked, in terms of answering! She claimed to know nothing, not even remembering his name, where he came from or what he did. ...although when i said i was going to hunt him down, just like i had her, she told me there was no point because ''a friend of a friend had read that he had died'' - (quite who they read about - she didnt remember his name dont forget... ) I think one of the most memorable things was her seeing me right back to the car, up in the lift in the multi story car park, hugging me and saying well meet again soon. I thought that was really sweet - on reflection she wanted to know categorically that i had left Luton and gone from her immediate world.The letter she wote the next day - you met me, thats what you wanted ,now get on with your life......reflected that. Jess x

Well I can't give you any tips on first meeting your bm as I'm still waiting but i did get to meet one of my brothers last year and after waiting for ages on a cold bus station for his coach my first words were--wow you're so good looking!!!!!--I blame the menopause!! Seriously though I'm thrilled for you and waiting with bated breath for your news. No matter what anyone says you will have expectations but enjoy it all. Take a camera. I also had a journal that i wrote in as soon as his visit had ended so I'd remember it all.

hi susan just wanted to add my wishes to you on meeting your birth mum and it is true there are many stories to be told into why you was probly adopted iv heard a few on my own adoption,which leaves us adoptees totally confused and probley never knowing the truth i have my adoption file but how true that is ill never know,cus someimes social workers add there own thoughts into these files and dont realy look for the truth from the birth familys as to what the situation is realy like any way thats enough from me you have a lovely time with your birth mom and keep us updated to how it goes,just take things at your own pace so you can both deal with the emotional side of things lots of hugs angie xxxx

Hello Susan, I have just read the whole of this thread for the first time!! Just wanted to wish you the best of luck for when you meet your BM, hope everything goes well, i'm sure it will, I look forward to reading you next message after you have met your Bm!! Best wishes! Alison x

hi susan i have been in touch with you befor i know you are very nerves i wish you all the luck in the world ialso think every think will go well because it is somethink you both want the day i went to meet my son i kept driving past i thought he might reject me ihad gone there and not told anyone it was so emotinal we just hugged and cryed a lot my poor daughter,<his sister>new nothink i also have 2 more sons his half brothers we spent a few hours together i was on cloud 9 the nexd day i had to go and tell my daughter she was fantastic she phoned him they met every think has turned out great your b/m ha already told her children and she will tell you all the whyes so once again good luck and god bless you Georgina

Thanks Georgina, and everyone else for being so kind and supportive. It really helps to know that you are thinking about me. I got another letter from my BM last night with more pictures of my half-brothers, which was lovely. I'm getting quite nervous about Saturday now! We're meeting at about midday in the centre of town, so I might go to an art gallery beforehand to calm myself down looking at some nice paintings! S xx