Genealogy Chat

That's good advice Jess. In my BM's second letter, she wrote that she wouldn't want my Mum & Dad to think that she was muscling in and trying to take over as my mother. This is reassuring, and I was thinking of telling Mum that when I talk to her about all of this. But then she might think that me and my BM are ganging up against her.. It's tricky. Also, when do you think would be too soon for me to meet my BM? She has said that she wants to meet, so she can explain things to me face to face. I was hesitant at first, but now I'm coming to terms with finding her, and accepting that I have brothers etc. - I want to meet her. I've suggested that we meet in the next couple of months - do you think that's too soon? Also, my biological aunt (birth father's sister) lives quite near to me. My BM has kept in touch with her over the years (although neither of them knows where my birth father is) and says that my birth aunt is eager to meet me. I would like to meet her, and it would be so convenient to meet in London - but my BM might be upset if I meet my aunt first.... See, I knew it would get more confusing as time went on! S xx

I'd say if it feels right to meet either or both of them now, then do it, if they are willing. Only if you are ready - if you have doubts then hold of for a while. its your Journey, you do what you want to. The is no plan or 'right' formula., Jessx

*update* My BM and I are still writing and sending photos to each other, and we've been texting to organise meeting up. We're meeting in October! She's coming down to London to stay with her ex-sister-in-law (my birth aunt) and we're all going to meet up! I'm excited at the moment, but as it gets nearer I'm sure I'll start to get nervous. I'm going up north to see my parents next weekend, and I'm going to tell them about it. I'll say that I needed to do the contacting part on my own, but want them to be involved with what will happen from now on. My BM has assured me in every letter that she isn't trying to steal me away from them, and that they will always be my parents. This is very reassuring to me, and I hope my parents will be reassured too. Hope everyone is well. S xx

Good news, well done. Have you actally got any photos yet? Exciting stuff! Jess x

good luck with everything susan,been following your thread from day 1 and as all adoptees you have been on an emotional journey,perhaps still some emotinal times to come but just take one day at a time i wish you well love angie xxx

My BM sent photos with her last two letters, so I've now seen pictures of her when she was young and through the years, my birth father and his sister in the year I was born, my maternal grandparents, and my four younger half-brothers! I still find it strange (but good) to look at the pictures and know that I am related to those people. I carry the photos round with me all the time. I've sent photos to her too, and I'm sending more with my next letter. We're going to keep writing to each other even though we've texted to arrange meeting in October. S xx

I got another letter from my BM last night. She sent me a photo of her and my birth father with their arms round each other. It's the first time I've seen them together, and it was such a strange feeling. I have this weird gut feeling that I'll never meet or be in contact with my birth father. From what my BM has told me, he is very flighty, and doesn't have contact with any of his children. I would love to meet him and my BM together, but I can't imagine that it will ever happen. I feel a bit bad and rebellious for saying this, but birth father is smoking in the photograph, and I feel somehow close to him because of that! (I used to smoke quite a lot, but have cut down recently) As we write more letters, my BM and I are showing more of our personalities. We seem quite similar in a lot of ways. We've both dyed our hair and have had lots of different looks over the years. I'm so excited about meeting her in October! Up North this weekend to visit Mum & Dad, so I'm mentally preparing myself for what I'm going to say to them. S xx

Good for you. i guess talking to Mum and dad will be hard, but sure it is the right thing to do. Would I ow them the photo's if it were me? probably not Jess x

I'm going up north after work today. I don't think I'm going to be able to tell my parents about my search. I feel as if I'll be betraying them. I feel that things will never be the same after I tell them. I wish I had told them straight away when I started to search. I've exchanged five letters with my BM now, and i'm going to be meeting her in 3 weeks time. I feel as if I'm developing a relationship with her, but I know I'll have to downplay this when I talk to Mum, but I don't want to. i feel as if i'll be betraying Mum if I tell her about my BM, but then I'll be betraying my BM if I tell Mum 'oh, it's nothing much - i just want to find out about my biological roots'. I want to share with her how much i look like my BM, and tell her about my brothers, but I know I can't, because it will hurt her. And in a way, I want to keep my biological relatives separate from my adoptive family. I know this weekend is probably the last chance I'll get to talk to Mum & Dad face to face before I meet my BM, so I'm going to have to tell them about my search. I'm just so nervous! S xx

Susan - I don't know anything about being adopted and so wouldn't pretend to know how you are feeling, but.....I do know about keeping secrets and what can happen if someone else finds out those secrets through a slip of the tongue or a bit of paper left lying about.........My secret was a similar sort of thing to yours and not telling caused all sorts of pain and anguish to others, which took YEARS and YEARS to overcome. The reasons I didn't tell were quite similar to yours. Don't do as I did....... YOY MUST TELL YOUR PARENTS THIS WEEKEND...... The longer you leave it the harder it will get. You have already said you wish you had told them when you started your enquires - Imaging telling them you have met her..... So do it this weekend - YOU HAVE TO. Very very best wishes and good luck to you........I know you will do the right thing! Merry

Thanks Merry. I know I need to do it. You're right - it would be a whole lot harder to tell them when I've already met my birth mother. Secrets can be so damaging, and I don't want to live a lie. I guess adoption is based a lot on secrets, so it is hard to break away from that secrecy. S xx

Maybe you just need to remember that just because it's going to be REALLY difficult, that doesn't mean you shouldn't do it. Good Luck! XXXX <fingers X <thumbs XXXXX < and toes! Merry

Thinking of you this weekend. I guess you will reveal all or some of what you have found out , when you see how it goes. Hopefully mum and dad will be receptive , and if not, dont dwell, just steer away from the subject. Perhaps raise it on saturday when Mum and dad have some quiet time (if only in bed saturady night) when they may want to think and talk about it away from you so they have the chance to raise the subject again on sunday if they have Q's they want to ask you. IT WILL BE FINE! Every adoptees parent must know in their heart that this day will come, Jess x

Hi Susan Just wanted to wish you luck this weekend. What about printing off this thread and showing your Mum n dad? If you were my daughter, I would be very proud of the way your thinking. All the things that you have written about your Mum n Dad show me that your a much loved person also how much you love your parents. At the begining of this thread I was saying...TELL THEM NOW! I'm still saying....TELL THEM NOW! Good luck me darlin Gerri x

wishing you luck for the weekend susan life is never easy is it,im sure your mum and dad will apreciate you been honest with them,its the only way susan good luck hun and lots of hugs xxxxx

Susan, best wishes for weekend. Im sure your parents will admire your honesty, even if they are initially hurt/concerned, give them time to digest and process whats happening, Im positive all will turn out as you are wishing! Libxx

Susan I agree with Merry - secrets are nasty things and they have a habit of coming out. I have seen at first hand recently what the keeping of secrets does to people.The results in this case have been far more damaging than any telling of the truth would have been at the time. I think I can understand you wanting to keep the two parts of your life separate, for now anyway, but your parents are going to be hurt whatever you do. Far more hurt I think, if they find out years down the line that you have some sort of relationship with your BM. Yes, it will be difficult for your Mum and Dad, and yes, there will probably be tears, but as Jess says, most adoptive parents must be aware that this is going to be a possibility.They sound like truly loving people and I am sure that sooner or later, they will swallow their hurt and wish you well in your relationship with your BM. After all, your BM can never take the place of your real Mum and Dad - she is just a blood relation, like an Aunty or a Cousin and I am sure they would not feel threatened if you were to spend time with a favourite Aunt. I do hope it all goes well this weekend. You have no need to feel guilty about this. Olde Crone

Just read this whole thread, lots of luck for the weekend, I'll be thinking of you Sam

Hi Susan, I do so hope it's all going well this weekend. Of course it will take a while for your parents to come to terms with the fact that you have made contact with your BM but in the long run it is for the best that you share it with them. Please let us know how it went when you return! Thinking of you Aileenx

As an adoptee i can tell you (not sure that that fact is important here or not) that on the subject of showing my mum and dad this thread - NO WAY - they'd be horrified, discussing it with ANYONE except them! Not that i shouldn't discuss it, quite the reverse, it isn't a secret, but the fact that i discussed the 'shall i tell them...' with anyone else (even strangers) would horrify them! Susan knows her Mum and Dad , she know EXACTLY how much to tell and not to tell. Hope it is going well....!! Jess x