Genealogy Chat

Just wondering if your Dad's mother is alive. How would she feel about contact? I would want to make contact but as Jess says it might be better coming from your Dad, even if you compile the letter for him. Tread very gently. It's a big thing to find out about a sibling and not everyone can cope with that. Someone we know felt that he had been lied to all his life. .... Not so much a lie really, but an incomplete truth, as he thought he was an only child until earlier this year and he is now 48.

fROM EXPERIENCE IT WOULD BE BETTER COMING FROM HIM -

Hello again Catherine - Didn't mean to put you off!!! I hope that you will go carefully and that any contact that you have will be successful. It would be wonderful to be reunited with your half-siblings. Love and luck - Angela x

Hi to everyone who has replied so far and thank you. It is really tricky. I want to do the right thing but am really worried about upsetting people. My dad does know I have tracked down his father's death and that I was waiting for the certificate to arrive. I got it yesterday, but he has been away for a few days so I am waiting to speak to him face to face. He has expressed a desire to contact any half siblings that might pop out of the woodwork. I think it might be better for me to do it, as at least I am one step removed. I thought I might mention a few of the things I have discovered from years gone from a few generations back to whet his appetite. But I don't want him to think I have misled him and then it all go pear shaped. Will let you know how I get on if and when I get the nerve to write the letter. No doubt it will take several careful drafts. Thanks Catherine

Have you got your dads consent?

Jess is SO right – play it softly, softly, leaving them room to get out without hurt feelings if they want. Helped adopted friend contact birth aunt –we just wrote “trying to find out some info about …. As you have the same surname & live in same town,wondered if you could help us at all. If this lady was not connected with you, we apologise sincerely for the intrusion and hope we have not caused any offence” Good luck J

I think a letter is definitely better than a phone call which puts someone on the spot, and you don't know who will answer it either, whereas hopefully a letter will initially be read by the person its addressed to. nell

Hello Catherine -What a difficult situation for you to be in. My friend was in this position a couple of years ago. We were sitting in her kitchen sharing a couple of bottles of wine (as you do!!) when her phone rang. She appeared about half an hour later looking very pale and shocked and said that she had just had a call from a half-sister in Canada who she didn't know existed (I might add that my friend is 56!!). It seems that her father had been married before he married my friend's mother and already had two children. My friend knew nothing about this at all. The discover caused quite a stir in the family. Nobody told mum who would have been devastated to know that the secret was out. She died this year with nobody having let on. My friend's brother met up with the newly-found sister without telling her and it caused a rift between them. I think that a great deal of caution is called for. It may be a case of letting sleeping dogs lie.

Been there and done it. potentially 8 TIMES.. with reasonably good results...(went thru the list of potentials , and eventually didnt send last 3 because they were all related and got hooked in by another one) Start very simply - say you are researching a family tree which you think includes on Mr so and so. Be a bit vaugue on year of birth, perhaps a couple of years out and ask if there is anything they can add in order to confirm that the person is who you think they are. - Throw the ball to them to tell what they know, include your mobile number if you feel brave - i wouldn't give a landline number at his stage. jess

Not been there myself, but I suppose you could write saying that you are tracing your family tree and believe you are connected, giving details. Then its up to him whether or not to contact you. If you don't contact him you'll never know. The worst thing that could happen is nothing. nell

Hi Just wondered if anyone had any good or bad experiences of contacting newly found half relatives such as brothers or sisters. I have been looking for my dad's father who he has not seen since the 1940s. It was no surprise to find out he had passed away back in 1980 and a recently acquired death certificate showed his son registered the death. This man is seemingly my dad's half bother and my half uncle. I want to write to him, but do not want to cause any distress if he didn't know anything about my dad or that his father had been married before. Not sure how much detail to go into. Should I be open and upfront, or perhaps a little vague so as not to scare him off. It would be useful to know if anyone had been through this scenario and can offer any advice