Genealogy Chat

Hi Jess and everyone Do you mind if I add a WARNING to this thread? As alot of you already know, I 1st found my adopted half sister through GR. She's 53, I'm 57. Still havent met her as she doesnt want to. Thats ok.....we have dealt with that. 2nd ..... My adopted Nephew found us last November just 2 weeks before his BM sadly died.(my Sister) Since then we have welcomed him into his birth family with open arms, nephews /nieces/ cousins/aunts and uncles....Family gatherings....He and his partner have stayed over in most of our homes.... HERES THE WARNING....... We have just been informed that he is on the sex offenders register for child porn!!!! PLEASE please dont rush to let STRANGERS into your lives! Get to know each other before getting too involved. We learnt the hard way......dont make the same mistake as we did when we were at an all time low.(my sister was dying) Adopters and families have the same doubts and fears that the adoptees do. I wish you all that you want and also a SAFE journey. Kindest thoughts to you all, Gerri x

Oh Glen , that IS scarey! said H changed her name or gone to ground? havent seen her for a while. No hats yet

not been on for ages as having house sale problems just now. Yes, seeing all the names on the birth certs. is really weird, like it is actually someone else you are reading about, but you know it is really you in another dimension. Then you start wondering where you would have been, who you would have been etc. That way madness lies. With regard to siblings passing information amongst themselves, all my siblings knew about me, but each thought the others did not know, so did not discuss it. They all know now, that I am in touch with some of them, but it all seems all right that they are not all in touch with me direct. One half bro. is the particular correspondent, and passes on info about the others. For me, I am still searching for that elusive full sister, who probably does not even know that the rest of us exist. Where are you, Jennifer Ann, born 22nd September 1945 in Woking. Our mother lived in Bisley, and her name was Muriel. Eileen

Now you lot i REALLY need your support. After today receiving a marriage cert it links lots of loose ends together,and it works out that although very distant,i'm linked into the tree of our esteemed Horatia I don't know if that is good or bad. Glen

Hi Jess Just curious,did you get a lorra lorra choices of hats from you know who? Glen

Yep, melissa, remember the feeling well! Start your trip from A< the info you have to B< where it will take you The thing is there i'll bet you have no idea where B is, or if you will ever get there! Good luck, keep talking to us along the way. jess x

Hi all Well I have finally opened the envelope after looking at it for sometime and expecting it to open its self, and what a strange feeling I had while reading it. I can't explain the feeling as it was not sadness nor happiness. I think I have read it now about 30 times hoping it will all of a sudden tell me something else or maybe more words will appear on it - strange I know. In my mind this tells me I have to have a ride on the scariest roller coaster I have ever been on sometimes I may be sad or cry, beg to get off , have moments of happiness or I may even laugh or maybe even vomit. Who knows . Get me a ticket I am ready to ride. What ever will be will be and I will be no worse of. Hi Sheila I have sent you a pm Thanks for Listening/ Reading. Cya Melisa

Hi Sheila, Time does make us forget what the facts are, so I dont expect to much. And we are lucky that she didnt reject us AGAIN and pretend that we still dont exist. Even though she didnt have much choice, she still could have ignored us. And my BS and I are trying to be friends not sisters. I dont expect anything from her family. But from her I would like some home truths and I dont think its expecting to much. Having patience might be the key. Ann,,.. hi to jess,liz., Melisa and Glen

Hi There are a few little things I would like to add here, Ann There can be lots of things that set you of on your search for your birth family, like the death of an adoptive parent, the birth of your own child or like you say a birth family member making contact, all these reasons are fine, as long as you stand back and decide are you ready for the full impact this search may have on you, could you face rejection or knowing the full story of your adoption, if so you will know in your heart that its time, if not by all means gather what info you can, and even trace your birth family but until you know hand on heart you can cope with the worst, take a backwards step till your ready. Hopefully all will turn out well, but unless your prepared for all the emotional turmoil it can cause back of for a little while. Jess I really do not know if our BM's mean to lie, to us, or if it is a coping mechanism, to try and justify giving up one child to anyone is hard enough for most people, but to try and justify giving up several as in some of our cases, must be be ever harder, even to admit the reasons to yourself. So time diminishes the facts and changes events, and in the end even our birth parents can believe these versions themself. I doubt if many of us will ever get the truth 100%, there is the version in our adoption records, there is the version, from our birth parents, also this may differ from what our adoptive parents tell us, and somewhere about there is the what really happened, guess you have to settle for a compremise and just believe some of it. Hi Melissa, Glad to see it has finally come, what I said to Ann also applies to you, but that said if you decide to proceed with the search fell free to e.mail me. Liz and Ann, Give the relationship time, same goes for you Glen, you cannot suddenly have an instant bond with each other, most brothers and sister have history together, common memories, links to other family memebers , ...... with your birth family aim for a friendship and hope it develops to more with time, this may not always happen, but at least you have tried. Glen I have been thinking about your case, Sheila should have still got your e-mail even if she is no longer a member, however, maybe her e-mail address has changed. Looking at her message is this the sister you mention, will send you a PM, if so she mentions James passing on ........ but also about knowing he had other children which could be a ray of light for you. Take Care everyone, hope your searches go as well as you hope for, Sheila

Just thinking out loud again really and asking for opinions. My half brother says he knew of a child (me) and he and the other two wondered if i would ever try to contact them. Strangely though even though i have passed my address,landline and mobile number,and personal e-mail address to him,without any pressure to try and force contact,he seems content to swap the occasional short e-mail and nothing more. The sister seems to be the one who knows more about the family,but it would seem she does not have a computer (or certainly isn't a GR member). She is 'quite happy to help' (quoted from his e-mail) but obviously they haven't swapped my details between them or she doesn't have the desire/need/compulsion to contact me in any way. Am i being paranoid? I did say i didn't need the big family reunion thing,and if they wished to meet me i would be more than happy to do so,but if not that was okay too. They are all mid fifties,i'm in my late late thirties. I just can't quite understand whether they want to know or not. I know families are strange,but being realistic i don't want to be left dangling. I did think that for 39 years i didn't know about them and perhaps a bold move (a letter or possibly phone call) to my sister would perhaps tell me where we stand. Just feels like someone should say 'come on' or 'get lost'. Is that strange? I didn't really mean it as a question,just feeling a bit unsure today Glen

Thanks again Jess, I,m going to bed, my brain is tired.lol Catch up soon Annxx YES LIZ THAT'S HOW I FEEL ABOUT IT TO. just read your reply.

Ann -it's what this thread , and the three before it , were all about. being there for each other. there is no other feeling in the world that equates with adoption 'turmoil' - you have to be there to understand. spout off as much as you like- we know what it feels like and if its not 'me' one of the other adoptess will have been there. jess

Jess, Yes its hard to believe the storys but I must admitt that my BM has been a bit better then yours. Her Family have been welcoming, which I didnt expect. They call us family know and thats hard to come to terms with as I have a family. My BirthSister and I are starting get to know each other and its a strange feeling. Its hard to talk to people who are not adoptee's, so I am grateful to all of you who answer me. Annxxx

Ann. i can understand where you are coming from and it is very hard. my birth mothers story to me was i was ''something that happened on the way home from work one evening''- what was I to draw from that? She also denied having me at all ''I'm the wrong person'' - again i could have walked away, but evidence kept me going. I have a full birth sister also given for adoption , 6 years older than me, that i found .it was her that questioned birth mother in her quest for knowledge as to the birth of a second daughter, to which she replied ''i was stupid, but not so stupid as to fall for his charm twice'' - Yes you were , and yes you did, and i am the documented evidence of that! I still have the letter to this day that my birth sister wrote to me saying i had 'crossed wires' and that we were not birth sisters after all - because BM denied it. WHY? That hurt! she didnt want us, and gave us for adoption - i dont have a problem with that - what i did not understand is why - to try and appease no-one but herself- she told lies - why deny us each others existance? We didnt ask to be born! All that happens now is that she (birth sister Ruth) and i have formed the firmest of friendships and believe nothing of what BM ever told us. Jess

Thank you Sheila. And 'thank you' to you Jess. Having already found the BM (which has included all her family finding out) in U.K, these are the things I,m finding hard to injest, because as Jess said it hard to know what she says is fact. How do you try to understand the BM when its such a Dannielle Steele novel type story and not much fact. Its hard to believe. Maybe because I cant imagine me going down her path. Never needed to find out where I came from until my birthsister (also giving up for adoption) found me last year. That started the curosity and I havent stopped thinking about since. All to consuming. Does it stop??? Ann xx Good Luck Melisa. I understand your not wanting your parents to know. I am the same. Annxx

Hi All and Hi Ann My original birth certificate has finally arrived from the U.K. It was sent to a friends house just in case my Mum and Dad were visiting, no need upsetting them if nothing becomes of it. So my friend will be droppping it of first thing tomorrow, at the moment I am running through many emotions to see my B/M name and my birth name there in Black and White !! After 30 + years I am no longer unsure of whether I want to see it or not, as I really do and I am ready to start my search. Cya Melisa

ann sorry, didnt see your Q's earlier... i'll c&P and add my thoughts, if you dont mind. Question. 1) Do we have the right to ask for details.? Example: Who was my BirthFather and why. i think we do have the right to ask, although the right to be told ,isnt always the same. i think it depends on who you were asking. When i met my birth mother i asked, and she was firstly adamant that she didnt know B/F name ( which wasnt true) and then went on to say Mrs so and so had told her he died. ...erm...how could she know that? Who died?...when you dont know his name... At the same time, because i knew I wouldnt get another chance,I asked about the circumstances surrounding my birth - again she didnt tell me the truth 2)Do we have the right to press for information. Is my desire for all information to much and should I not ask for the past????. Again,depends who you are asking. Adoptive parents tend to want to protect you from the truth as they see it( and that i think is instinct) I would press a social worker for every last crumb of info she could glean. How far you press a birth parent depends on how responsive they are ( and then take wht they tell you with a pinch of salt until you verify what they are telling you is true) ---------------------------------------------------------------- the journey to discovering who you are, who you REALLY are, is never easy and is cnfusing, nobody want to cause hurt or upset, but if the cost to you is anguish , then someone has to loose.Is that self preservation?) I've always thought of it as a journey- thing is, you have no map, and it maybe that you go down a road thinking it is the right one only to find that it is completely wrong. You CAN reverse and try otherways.the right road will be there. Jess x

As always when something seems uppermost in my mind somebody will post a comment that is very relevant,and usually Shiela is somewhere in amongst it. After yesterdays trials and tribulations,not all to do with 'family' business,i drifted off to the little place in my mind where i picture my rellies. Although i have found 2 half brothers and a half sister we are going through a quiet stage,albeit a very constructive one in certain respects. I have been told a name for my father,but the one possibe/probable link through GR is not going well.The person who may be one of 6 more half siblings would appear not to be a member anymore. My half brother knows little of my father,but has some rumours that might be useful. The greatest regret i have is that he is unable (maybe unwilling) to actually tell me anything about my mother,i don't know anything about her,what i would give to see a photograph. I know she died 16 years ago,and i was born 16 years after the youngest of her three children,i know where she is buried,and i have addresses for each of my half siblings. Armed with what i know i could cause elation or devastation in equal measures just by knocking a door or picking up the phone. Reading between the lines i don't think they were a very close family,despite only living two streets away from granny they couldn't even be sure of her name. It just feels strange to have a name and know nothing about the person,whereas at least with grt g/m i know where she was born,where she moved to,where she worked and what she did. Ironically last week i visited two places where she is mentioned in the census,unfortunately i didn't see the census till the weekend,now i wish i'd stayed a while. So for me b/m is just a name but granny and grt granny are 'real'. I think if there is a picture of my mother anywhere it would probably have been taken with my nephew,as he was born the year after me. I know where he is,but don't even know if he knows of me or not.For that reason i would never attempt to contact him. I still can't get my court records,perhaps one day they might give me some comfort. If anyone knows how to contact GR member Sheila Robertshaw,connected to James (Jim) Townsend b Lincoln in the 1920's could they let me know. Glen

Hi Ann, Welcome to the thread :O) .......Do we adoptees have a right to answers to our questions, in my personal opinion Yes! Do we have a right to persue a realtionship with our birth family regardless of the cost to anyone else, No! I think most people on this thread, have wanted to know their background info, in order to try and get answers, we search for our birth family, this I agree with but would encourouge everyone to do this in a subtle way. However, if we form a relationship with our Birth families, all well and good, but you have to weigh up the cost of that against the disruption it may cause in other people lives, its hard to generalise but you have to take each case as individual. Most people thing this is an issues between BM, BF and adoptees, but this can go way beyond that including siblings, new husbands, children etc. You can only start your search, ask for advice (on here or direct to any of us if you like :O) and then make the deciscion for yourself..... as each case can be so different. Wishing you all you hope for, and Good Luck with your search. Sheila

Hi Jess and all other Adoptee's Question. Do we have the right to ask for details.? Example: Who was my BirthFather and why. Do we have the right to press for information. Is my desire for all information to much and should I not ask for the past????. Ann at a confusing stage in her Life. Hi Melissa, I,m in Oz too. This sight helps. Thanks Jess and Co. Love reading messages.