Genealogy Chat

Mel Sadly it about par for the course.I guess many birth mothers react like that. mine did ~ she claimed to not even know his name, (which it turned out that she did ). I tend to think ( and it is only my thoughts) that it is when BF are mentioned to BM, the 'stupidity' of what they did in concieving us is up for Question. My birth mother already had 1 daughter by this man that she gave for adoption prior to me, to admit that she made the same mistake twice.... , that she was THAT silly, THAT naive.... What happened in my case was documented so i knew the truth, even if she wasnt prepared to talk about it. She never did admit the truth. Maybe yours will eventually, maybe you need to drop it completely for now, kinda play her game? Jess

Mel - think you're going to have to be patient and give BM time to come to terms with you finding each other first. At least your BM doesn't say she won't tell you anything about your BF, just that she will later - perhaps she feels you need to build a degree of trust between each other first. After all this time, a few more weeks (or months) won't hurt.

Hi Everyone Well I start this with I wish I had never started my search. I should have stayed just the girl who was adopted with no background. I could have just stayed with my fantasys that maybe I was related to someone royal or famous - that is where I should of stayed in hindsight. The reason for this is about a week ago I sent BM an email asking about my BF was he tall/short, what was his name , can she tell me a bit about him and this is the reply I got !!!!!!!!! ''Please .... will you not ask anyone about your dad as they don,t know what to say...neither do i for that matter...Can i just say it will upset you, and thats not my intentions, painful memory for me....! When we get to know each other better i promise i will tell you the truth, but now it,s too soon..'' Well you can only imagine the thoughts in my head right now or maybe not ( they are not nice at all ). The most calming and relaxing of these is that she had a one night stand ( almost amusing compared to my other thoughts) What do you think ?? Thanks Mel

Hi everyone, Hope everyone had a good weekend. Its been slow here as well, not much happening. No news is good news. Hoping to hear about my BF this week. Not expecting a name as it was a long time ago. I suppose it depends on her memory. Annxx

Bumping for a newbee Rosi

Hi Folks, how are we all, other than falling into oblivion? Jess x

Just checking in no news as yet I remain hopeful my 6 months wait is up next month should I start pestering now? I''m gonna be a grandma next month that is a real buzz another generation in my tree I can't wait . BTW wonderful poem all take care - Lorna

Hi Everyone Bump Melisa

Hi all What a week,my cousin has been back in touch,we are just using GR at the moment,no great need to rush anything at each other,but some messags ago i mentioned granny felt more real than my b/m because i can find things out about her more easily. Well that's still true but my cousin has put some pictures on his tree,and one is of Granny,and it's not far from the time she had her Xmas Day wedding. Blooming magic it is,plus one of her in older life,looking all set for a natter over the back fence with the neighbour. It's strange after the problems with half sibs (still nothing for 6 weeks now)that someone is so open and willing to ask AND answer questions,not too sure what is known about b/m but heck,for now at least i do have family. Glen xxx

hi every one just wanted to add my thoughts i have an older brother who remained with my birth parents and after me and my sister was adopted they went on to have 2 more boys which they kept my older brother always says to me that we were the lucky ones as all my brothers are emotionally scared by there up bringing,they dont have happy memories,and sometimes i think they envey me and my sister for having a good up bringing,i have a lot of mixed feelingings about everything,i so wished i had been brought up with my brothers,but what sort of person would i have turned out to be,i dont think i would of been the nice person i am,my brothers are very hard people cus they had to be angie x

Ann, My birth mother also gave away two ( who knows maybe more that we havent discoved yet!!) Does that make her abnormal? Not the word i would use! In my BM case, 'foolish' is the word i'd use ( but aren't we all at times?) pregnant twice by the same man, 6 years apart. She lived with her parents who apparently 'pulled rank' and said we must go. i think we forget that contraception in the 60's wasnt as readily availible as it is now. My BM was a divorcee with two boys, and guess she was keen for the attention any man would show her, especially a man by whom she'd had one child (the first she gave for adopton) when he returned to find her some years later and promised to marry her. 'Whoops No2 ''occured and he ran again. Naive maybe a beter word , but perhaps that is with the wisdom of hind sight

Just nudging for someone Rosi

to Ann particularly - and everyone else too Yes, mothers do give away multiply - if give away is the right term. My birth mother had three children from her marriage. She did not give them away, but was separated from them when her marriage broke up. It broke up because she had two more children - my sister and I - not from her husband. (He was posted overseas for two+ years in WW2) She did 'give away' me and my sister in order to try to prop up her marriage. (Our father had been posted by then) She ended up alone anyway, and had another baby, a boy, whom she gave for adoption - no idea who his father was. So her first three were only partly brought up by her, and the next three were not brought up by her. She had another boy, don't know who his father was. She managed to keep him, then eventually remarried and had another girl. A case probably of constant need for replacement.

Hi Everyone Glen, That poem is really lovely, you are such a kind hearted soul and you deserve all the very best life has to offer. Oooohhh I had a great girls night out and the only thing I lost was my worries due to all the laughing. I have swapped a few more emails with my BC and she is really lovely I can see our emails continuing long after the hype. ( I hope ) As for my BM I have not had anything since the photos of her and my half sibling I believe. I did ask her if I was the half but she did not answer any of my questions. Maybe she thinks I would hold it against her but I would not,I just want to know. I will probably sit down and find the correct wording for my burning questions tonight. I have no problem with the questions just the right wording ( I am just really bad at that ) Have a great weekend Mel

Hi Jess,Glen,Mel.Sheila,Beve,Eileen ,Sheila and everyone. Jess, Are you feeling better now??????? Sheila, Thank you, you always have wise words to say and I appreciate your advise. Glen, Your poem brought a tear to my eye.....it was beautiful. Mel, Hope you had a great time at the Casino and didnt lose to much money. Eileen, Yes I to had it better then most, not as good as yours, but we(my sister and I) practically got most of everthing a child could want including lots of love. The most important thing. Hi Bev, Glad to hear your search is going well. Well I finally asked My BM's brother to ask BM about my BF and he said he would try and get the truth for me. I really like her brother he has been so welcoming and just a really nice man. And i think he will push for the truth. No I not expecting much because I know it was a long time ago and she might have pushed it out of her head. Another question to think about???? Woman giving more then one baby away is that normal??????? What surprises me is that all these woman have more then one baby and just give them away.. To me it doesnt sound normal. In all my life I have never heard of so many woman given away numerace babies and just going on with life. Am I the weird one, ......Is this the normal thing they did back then (the 60,s) or Is it that I have lived a shelted life. Would someone like to answer this one please. Have a great weekend all Catch up soon Annxx

Hi all Shiela,the problem i feared is true,the way the info is put on the tree made it fairly obvious.The person who actually contacts me is the partner of 'the child' i mentioned. It turns out that of the 8 cousins all have to some degree or other learning difficulties and only two actually live outside of care homes. Although the father (my uncle) died 10 years ago the mother is still alive. Just thought i'd pop in Glen

Hi Folks, Hope your all well, Glen, Loved your poem, any more thoughts on your problem? Mel Hope you had a good girls night out !...... will do you the world of good, give you time to mull things over. One thing I forgot to mention is when I first started searching I like most people here, thought I was adopted from birth, however, most of us are adopted from 6-9 months, also did you realise that a lot of BM's where able to care for their babies for the first 6 weeks sometimes longer, maybe thats why they seem to come more full on than us, they remember they babies they held, where as we have no memory of them, just something for you to ponder over, help you maybe see things from their side a little, not justifying anything just playing devils adocate. Ann I understand where you are coming from, but every situation has a flip side and whilst you think being rejected may have been easier, the adoptees that have been rejected also carry a lot of baggage, did you know NORCAP actually have a site to help rejected adoptees deal with their feelings. :O( There are no guidlines for this search, every case is different and every person is different, whilst we can chat on this thread, most of our experiences will vary quite a bit, all we can do is support each other through this. I know I definatley got the better deal with being adopted, and feel sorry for subsequent children my BM had, they did not have the best of lives, that said many children that are born after us , when the BM has only had one child then went on to marry especially in the 1960's are born into a happy marriage and have a good upbringing. What we have to be aware of is the ones of us where there have been quite a few siblings born to our BM, the chances are that person settlign down and having happy stable life would be quite slim, this also then follows that any children born in these realtionships would have happy family live :O( so their is a god chance that becoming involved with them may bring alot of baggage. Beve My BM was also pregnant when she signed my adoption papers, 43 later I traced that baby also adopted and now where the best of friends :O) Good Luck to all of you with your continued searches, just take it a step at a time, and do not expect to much from either you BF or yourselves. Sheila

Interesting to think of one's half-sibs maybe feeling 'us as was given away' had the better deal. I think I probably did as I went to a reasonlably comfortable middle class couple who owned their own house and had a car. They only had me, and sent me to private school. I had riding lessons, piano lessons, ballet lessons, went to camps. Had proper holidays every year - not abroad, but always two weeks somewhere nice. Had a lovely room I did not have to share, had a 21st birthday party, an engagement party, a splendid wedding. Help with buying first home, etc. etc. My older half sibs. lost their home, a council house, when their parents divorced due to my arrival, lived with granny for a while, then with their father's remarriage, had to change again, and get used to a step-mum. No posh school, no smart big house in classy area on edge of smart town. I am sure that they were loved and the best done for them that could be, but still...........it must look as if I had rather a lot of jam. I know, from tracing them and knowing them now, that they did all right by their own efforts. They are good people, but their childhood was disrupted due to my arrival, and as children they must have wondered what had happened. We all have to walk several moons in the other person's shoes, as the American Indians say.

Jess I agree with you there, from what i can tell my half sibs have never met my 'new' cousins and vice versa,between them (11 people) not one of them could actually name a cousin or the grandparents. From the birth certs and looking on Friends Reunited,they all lived within a few streets of each other and went to the same schools,maybe something went on way back when,but until i find out otherwise i know i had the best deal of the lot. The age gap from oldest to youngest is just 10 years,two births show the families lived just one street away from each other,and the births are 3 months apart,and granny lived in the next street again for at least 40 years,how you could be that close and not know names is beyond belief. Anything that ripped apart the parents generation to us must have been huge. I must have been blessed, Glen

Hi all, I wasn’t adopted, but do like to drop in regularly to read your very special stories –hope no one minds. Jess, I think you could well have hit the nail on the head – those “left behind” may have had a truly awful time as children and have decided to put the past well and truly behind them, and not want any links with it Their memories may be very painful, for all sorts of reasons. Take care, all of you. Jay