Genealogy Chat

Hi all Well now she's asking for proof of my existence and copy's of BC, because she has to jog her memory of my birth.. Well you can call me a B----,but shouldnt she remember something. OK,OK maybe I'm asking to much but gee cant someone tell me that why she wouldnt remember something. Yes I,m peeved and thats not the word I wanted to use. Angry Ann

snap Liz, you must have read my mind as I was typing the same thing :O)

Hi Glen, If i had a crystal ball I would have won the lottery by now and sitting in the carrabean on my lap top ;O) The changes in the law will certainly throw up some issues over the next few years though, just as, after 1975 we had the right to our adoption records, lots of BM's never thought they would be able to be viewed and we coudl have contact with them again, so in a way it's understandable. My only issues is for the people who do not already know, that said, I would never recommend people who adopt keep it secret, It has a way of coming out, I know of someone applying for a passport who found out, orher going through parents belonging after they have passed on, have found paperwprk, or as you mention Glen checking someones tree :O( The brith parents though have at least had time to adept to the idea, what about the adoptee who gets a letter in the post and had no idea ?...... Jess He is not on here or FR, that said there is no gaurantee that mailing him would help, someone would not necessarilly tell you something that private at the beginning anyway, I reckon most would just give you the info they know on the family, unless they where asked a specific question, which brings us back to sqaure one :O( Sheila

I guess ( is the person on this site?) you could meaagse them with the standard 'im researching the tree of x ( one gen back perhaps) and se if they come back with 'yes, but i was adopted into the family'

Hi Shiela I guess the new legislation was drawn up slightly ignorant to the fact that not everyone knows they were adopted,and those that do don't always consider looking for family. If the circumstances were such that you knew the adoptee was aware and welcomed contact it would be so easy to decide the course of action. The above starts with an IF though doesn't it. Have you got a crystal ball? Glen

Hi Guys, Thanks for the advice everyone, guess you have just echoed what I felt deep down inside. I did not know till my mid 20's and there are mayn other sin the same postion who have never been told. Just wondering how they will instigate this new legislation, and contact adoptees, there is no way of knowing if they know, till you ask them. When the adoption society offered to write to siblings for me, they said they would right them a letter and ask them to call in for a discussion. Like the leaterhead would not give the game away :O( guess there is not subtle way of doing this. Have asked the person concerned to see if he has been int ouch with the adoption agency to find out about his adoption and view his records at all, another thing could have been to give the adoptive parents address and go via them, but i think this could be to upsetting and intrustive for them. Oh well will just have to get over my conscience then :O( Thanks all Sheila

Hi Sheila, takes me back a week or so,and my panic message. I could see the with the way the tree was constructed,the child had been adopted,and my fear was if the child didn't know. Had somebody put two and two together who knows what could have happened? It really is full of IF's If the child knows they are adopted If they have any thought about tracing the b/f If they have had a 'story' told surrounding the circumstances. I know you will be aware of all of these,but how can you find out if the adopted person knows anything at all. A very difficult call to make,and one i'm loathe to ever find myself doing at any point. For me personally i could only continue with some certainty that the adopted person knew the fact that they were adopted,but short of asking them how could you ever know? A VERY tough call to make. Too many people to consider,and so many ways it could be done,it really is beyond what most people could consider. Glen

i think i am with you on that one sheila- i think that is why , even given the new adoption legislation, the first contact must come from the adoptee ( and i agree with that), jess

Hi Guys, Moral dilema question, someone on the boards is looking for a half sibling that was adopted, they know their name, and I think I have found them, but my gut instanct is not to give this info out and protect the adoptee, as he may not know he is adopted. Having helped quite a few on here with tracing BF I feel really bad about this and I ma having a crisis of conscious, but have always worked on the premise, that the BM gave birth so knows about the adoptee, but the adoptee may not know they where adopted. Thoughts please. Sheila

Thanks guys you bring a smile to my face!!!!!!!!!

Hi Mel, As ever Sheila takes the words out of my mouth and beats me to the board. Hugs and everything Glen xx

Hi Mel, Glad you dropped in, .... thinking of you, take care for now. Sheila

Hi To those of you who know I am OK To those of you who don't, I know know the details of my BF and am sorry, but can not put it on here. Talk soon Melisa

Hi everyone Mel I'm sorry things havent worked out as fast you would have liked. Its as Sheila said, you have to play the waiting game and be patient. She will eventually get to the subject. I think you have to take it slow. I have asked the same question 2 weeks ago and am still waiting for a reply. It was not as good for my sibling,who's news of her BF was a sad reply. Cant go into it but it was bad. But I do understand your need for answers, as I am the same and want to know it all. Cheer up Mel Annxx

Mel. you cant change it, dont try and force the issue with her, if she is going to tell you, she will when she is good and ready. You say you need to know to move on - willl it make that much difference? OK it will tell you maybe a bit about what he was like in his 'attitudes' but other than that... dont be too hard on yourself, or your BM. Jess

Dear All I am a researcher that has helped many people on Genes find who they were looking for but I am also an adoptive mother. I did say to our son (who is now 22 and who we reunited with his natiral mother at the age of 18) don't ask too many questions. She will tell you in her own time what she wants you to know. Our son is aware of his natural father's name but his natural mother did not make him aware she was pregnant. As a researcher, I could find him in no time but that is not my choice. The choice of looking for his father and letting him know that he became a father at that time is his natural mother's decision not mine of her/our son's. It may sound harsh to say this but I feel for all in these situations. I would love to give our son the other 50% of his heritage but it is not my decision. Our son is so happy with the outcome and is very happy to have contact with his natural family (3 generations) as we, his adoptive parents are. We are the lucky ones as we are all an extended family and not every adoptee gets this conclusion to a search. Much luck and happiness to all searching. Joan www.myfolks(.)net

Hi Everyone Thank-you so much for everything you have all written. What would I do without all of your support. My husband is really good but does not always know the right thing to say, he has never been there and never will. I think the hardest thing now is not knowing, as you said Sheila what is really bad to some is not hat bad to others. If she had been with a married man willingly or had a one night stand that would be the best outcome from ' the secret '. I do really need to know what the secret is as then I can deal with it and move on from there. You are right it will not change who I am today. But not knowing the secret is making me sick inside, as it is to anyones guess as what it is. I am sure that I am not the only one in thinking it is something really bad. You are right in saying this will make me stronger, I believe it will also. And if nothing else comes out of my search I will have started a great penpal relationship with my birth cousin and hopefully that will continue. Thanks again everyone you are all my rock, and we will speak soon Melisa

Hi Mel I feel for you,despite having a line of communication the desire for answers is always difficult to hold back. Be strong for yourself and those around you,but be patient too. Very easy for me to say as i can't ask my b/m anything as she is no longer around,and the one contact i do have has gone very silent. Hugs from this end Glen xxx

Mel - Remember the three most important things about searching they are control - control - control You are in control of your situation. You are giving information to your birth mother that you are there, you are ok, you have a life. If you get information back, that is only an interesting fact. It does not change who you are - it does not change your interests, your likes and dislikes, or the colour of your hair - all these things and many more are yours to control. You are unique, always were and always will be - knowing this, be strong.

Hi Foilks, Sorry not to have been around much, had stuff to sort out. Mel, Do yourself a favour and do not second guess the info about your father,I know that its easier said than done, but you will only upset yourself, I think most of us tend to try and think of the worst scenario and work backwards, but what may be upsetting for her may not be so bad to you. He may have been married, he may have been a one night stand, he may have treated her badly, or worse we will have all gone through these scenarios when we began our search. However, torturing yourself will not change anything just upset you, if it is bad news, you will like the rest of us learn how to deal with it, it it not that bad you have put yourself through all this for nothing. Bide your time, and just take it a step at a time, at the end of the day she was so pleased to be in touch, that must tell you something. :O) If you need to get anything of your chest you know where I am, I did find out some quite awful things in my search, but could not put them on here, in case some of the people concerend ever read them, but believe me, you get through it, what is it they say, whatever, doesn't kill you makes you stronger ;O) Reckon us adoptees must be really strong ! :O) Sheila