Genealogy Chat

Hi I have left a msg on here before, to Mel, tread carefully & take things one step at a time, I know who my bm was but died before we could reconcile, I knew her as my Aunt Judy & my bb& bs as cousins, however the contact stopped when I was a small child, last year found bs again, went to stay at hers fro weekend all was well, then it went pear shaped, I sent her a text on bm dying date, she didnt take kindly to this & now we have no contact, how could I possibly have known the date of bm death!! We dont have the same father & I have no way whatsoever of finding out who he is, my s.worker is foning me tomorrow as she thinks she's located my adoption file, very nervous as there may be something in about dad, apparently as rumour has it there was a scandal surrounding either my birth or conception as bm was married to someone else at the time. Even though I was adopted, I wasnt protected like a normal set of parents would, I had everything thrown at me from my adopted bro's, they resented me & still do, S.abuse by 2 of adopted mums blokes behind dads back, so just to let you all know being adopted can be a massive hurdle to overcome, I havent even started & I'm 32. Thanks for letting me moan, Louise X

hi lou wishing you and all other adoptees all the love and hugs i can give,some very difficult times ahead but with the help and support from your friends on here remember your never alone god bless you all angie xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Thanks Ange, youre a star in my book as you already know, will pm you tomorrow, Lou.

bumped cus its just an excellent thread xxxxx

hi Louise, and everyone, BM being married to someone else is not really a great scandal, it happened to a lot of us - me and my sister for two, or should that be my sister and I? Anyway, lots of cyber hugs to a fellow traveller who has had it rather rough, by the sound of it. It just amazes me the incredible number of variations in the reasons why we were all adopted. When first starting out - some 45 years ago now - on the big search, I thought that everyone who was adopted was the 'one innocent mistake' of some deceived young girl whose parents would not help her.. How wrong can you be. Some certainly did happen that way, but many more are far more diverse and complicated. The desperate sadness and fear that pursues so many of the BMs down the years. Denying themselves their children so much, that eventually they come to believe it themselves in order to survive. Then to be faced with what you have denied for so many years, is it a wonder that BMs are so messed up in their heads. And us - all we want are answers, where? what? why? and were we loved, just a little, for just a little while - it is so important to every child to feel loved. Even in our 60s, the child that is still in all of us wants to know that we were loved, just for a moment, before we were given up. I am lucky now, I know that I was loved. I so want to tell my sister that she was loved too. Where are you, Jennifer Ann, born 22nd September 1945 in Woking Our mother lived in Bisley. Lots of info. if you want it. You must be out there somewhere. Eileen

nudge

i so love reading all your stories i feel a rare bread in among all you adoptees who find birth parents and knowing that your parents realy didnt want to give you away my story is the complet opposite i wont delv into the details but even as a small child and been loved by adoptive parents i still knew i didnt belong there and felt very lonley as a child and growing up.it was only when i married and had children of my own that i felt happy and complet just a little snippet of my story angie xxxxx

Hi Everyone Happy Birthday to me, Happy Birthday to me. Well I always wondered if my BM thought about me on my birthday and after some previous emails I am pretty sure she has, and definitely will be this year. Today I received an email from my BC wishing me a Happy Birthday which I thought was a really lovely thought. Even though the news was upsetting about my conception, there will be no wondering where I came from on this birthday. And that in its strange way is better than not knowing at all ! Seeya, Talk soon Melisa

Hi all Angela I think all adoption stories are similar but never the same. And I think that all Adoptee's feel like they dont belong at some stage or another. Even when you find your BM and their family, i still think you feel awkward and not really feel like you belong there either. How can you when you havent lived with or known any of them. You just have some of the same D.N.A. So where do we belong??? With our family,etc husband, partner or kids(or even just our pets) and that stops that feeling and doesnt make us feel so lost. We can never change that past, but we have to move on and find happiness elsewhere. I dont search of love, i search for the discovery of why I exist and if I find friendship along the way thats good. Well thats how I see, maybe some of you will disagree and thats why we write and read these messages for everyones opinions. Annxx

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU HAPPY BIRTHDAY DEAR MELLLLL HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU hope I wasnt out of key....

Hi to Ange, Eileen, Mel & All Eileen, the fact that my bm was married wasnt the scandal, its supposed to be something else, I'm just in the process of finding out what, I think it may have had something to do with my real dad as I was told about a rumour at the time saying that girl will never find her dad, this was local gossip I'm informed, then to add to this the older half bro of mine clarified that there was something in the paper & it wasnt because she was married, apparently something bad. Hi Mel, Happy Birthday to you, Happy birthday to you!! Louise.

Hi Ann That was just perfect, will I be seeing you on Idol this year lol. I am with you I am also not looking for love or to replace the family I already have. If I do form a friendship with any of my birth family that will be a bonus, I am pretty sure my BC and I will continue to email each other and are in the early stages of what I believe will be a firm friendship. Of to lunch talk soon Melisa

Just one more thing, I think that none of us are better or worse of than the other. We are all adoptees We all have the good and bad and even the truely terrible in our stories. But no matter what we understand and are here for each other, in what we are, have and are about to go through. Thank-you for all being here, and I wished we all lived in the same country, could you imagine the stories we could tell over coffee. It could be an Oprah special. LOL Seeya Have a Good Day

Louise, Sorry, wrong end of stick, don't know what else to say - this is a deeply moving thread, as someone else said, we are all different, yet all the same. Even with wonderful husbands/wives, and children, we still have a 'bit missing'. My husband sometimes wants to know why he 'isn't enough' Its a logical question, but we adoptees are not always too logical, we always know what we mean, non-adoptees don't. Its the 'walking three moons in someones shoes' thing again, isn't it.

Hi Mel, Happy Birthday to you too ! 21 today !, 21 today!, shes's got the key of the door, never been 21 before ;O) your as old as you feel :O) Will catch up with you later, busy this morning, do you reckon MarchA/pril is a boom time for adoptees my BS had her birthday last week, you today, and then me tomorrow, unfortunatly I am the oldest ;O( just got me wondering, other AS and BS April, anyway it explains all us bull in the china shop people (Arians !) Enjoy your lunch and raise a glass to your fellow adoptees over here, Sure your BF will be thinking of you today, difference is this year, you know they will be too :O) Eilleen Think there are 2 major issues for most of us, you mention one, an imortant one ....where we ever loved ? The other more basic one is no matter how good our adoptive parents where to us, and we can tell ourselves we where lucky, we where actually chosen by them, there is that nagging doubt, why did our own flesh and blood at the time not want us. Think most of us have to confront our demons, to lay this to rest, after all it is the ultimate rejection to be given away, this may sound harsh but everyone goes thorugh the same reaction even if they are do not judge or have if feelings towards their BF, they need to know ' Why ' Then having found out their individual reasons , each of us has a different story, its not the bog standard one you mentioned Eilleen, which we probably all expected , we all have different things to find at this point, but then all try to do the same, lay them to rest, for a lot this may not be the easiest thing to do, but I have found everyone on here tends to agree that they do not regret it doing it, its better than that niggling doubt. And for every negative thing you find there is normally a posative one, Louise, Hi how are you ? not seen you around for a while, glad to see your here now :O) have you tried the local library for copies of the local papers from that time, to see if they have anything in them ? or are you going to see if there's is something in your file ? Don't worry it will come out in the wash, someone in the family must know something. Take Care or now all Mel Dont get to drunk today ! mind you do you have the weekend to recover. ;O) Sheila

I have been reunited with my birth family for just over a year now and things have been good....til now. Well technically speaking since Wednesday tea time when I found out that my birth Granddad Mac has been told he has liver cancer. They can't operate but can try to treat it with chemo. As you can imagine I'm completely devasated. Neither of my birth parents are alive so my Granddad Mac is the closet I can get to my father and my Nan, Norma is the closet I can get to my mother. I can't put into words just how I feel. I guess it's like losing my parents all over again. When you start your journey to find your family. You have hopes and dreams. I know I had mine but I had realistic ones too. But the double whammy of them both gone is something I still can't quite come to terms with although I pretend I have. I wonder wether this is normal but then what is normal? That is something I have never been. I was adopted. My Mum loved me greatly I know and gave me up for a better a life. A life I didn't choose, or want. My Dad didn't know about me but if he had known maybe things would have different. He couldn't wait to leave home and get married. Maybe he would have married Mum. I know it's no use thinking of these things but they just pop into my brain when they feel like it. I dream of what could have been and should have been. I'm torturing myself, I know. But how do I stop? How do I prepare for the loss of my Granddad? How do I stop my heart from breaking? How do I fight this fear of loss? I have absolutely no idea. Thank you for listening. Love Jd xx

JD, i dont think you do! You cannot change it, and will just have to go with it, and cope as best you can when the time comes. will you be able to go to the funeral, are things open enough? jess

Hi all, Well where do i start? According to the court i never was adopted,i think that the Lincoln court must conduct special training for staff,it's my third run in with a staff member there (all different).Same question posed to me each time,'Why do you want to know?' My answer now is that 'My parents were wise enough to allow me a chance and my adoptive parents were people who have brought me up to respect others,perhaps THEY could teach YOU' So far it has worked every time,but just sometimes throttling someone would feel far better. The saga with the half bro continues.I suppose if i'm realistic then i already have my answer,but after his last message 7 weeks ago ending 'Take care and hear from you soon' i have sent 3 messages and not had a single reply. I did think maybe he had been ill or away,but something seems to tell me it is more than that,more personal i mean. In an effort to find out more i have sent a message asking if he would rather cease to be in touch,if that is the case then so be it,but i find it unfair(?) to be strung along.Maybe i'm blinkered but he is either with me (supposedly for my family history interests and 'trading' that for information about my mother) or he is'nt. I suppose we are both using each other to a certain extent,but he does have the same options for finding out who GG G/F was,just as i do,but he knows what our mother looked like,i still don't even know more than her name and DOB. Sorry all,just having a bumpy ride at the moment. Jess by the way,no more 20 question look ups required,i finally succumbed to an Ancestry subscription,and gg g/f had a brother who was the registrar for births deaths and marriages,grab a shovel let's find him,i think we need to have a serious talk to 'old John' Glen

Jess, I, like my Granddad will have to take things one day at a time. As far as I'm aware I will be there at the funeral as we all get along. However things may change when he passes. Not on my side but of those who see death as a chance to inherit. I only want to be there. I don't expect anything nor want any material or monetary gain. I have all I need just to be accepted as my fathers daughter and I am accepted as such. I may never be rich but wealth is measured in many ways. I have my parentage and no one can take that away from me. Jd

wishing you a happy b,day mel wont be long now lou and the waiting will be over some heart rending stories again love to you all angie xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx