Genealogy Chat

Hi Everyone Glen, That poem is really lovely, you are such a kind hearted soul and you deserve all the very best life has to offer. Oooohhh I had a great girls night out and the only thing I lost was my worries due to all the laughing. I have swapped a few more emails with my BC and she is really lovely I can see our emails continuing long after the hype. ( I hope ) As for my BM I have not had anything since the photos of her and my half sibling I believe. I did ask her if I was the half but she did not answer any of my questions. Maybe she thinks I would hold it against her but I would not,I just want to know. I will probably sit down and find the correct wording for my burning questions tonight. I have no problem with the questions just the right wording ( I am just really bad at that ) Have a great weekend Mel

to Ann particularly - and everyone else too Yes, mothers do give away multiply - if give away is the right term. My birth mother had three children from her marriage. She did not give them away, but was separated from them when her marriage broke up. It broke up because she had two more children - my sister and I - not from her husband. (He was posted overseas for two+ years in WW2) She did 'give away' me and my sister in order to try to prop up her marriage. (Our father had been posted by then) She ended up alone anyway, and had another baby, a boy, whom she gave for adoption - no idea who his father was. So her first three were only partly brought up by her, and the next three were not brought up by her. She had another boy, don't know who his father was. She managed to keep him, then eventually remarried and had another girl. A case probably of constant need for replacement.

Just nudging for someone Rosi

Ann, My birth mother also gave away two ( who knows maybe more that we havent discoved yet!!) Does that make her abnormal? Not the word i would use! In my BM case, 'foolish' is the word i'd use ( but aren't we all at times?) pregnant twice by the same man, 6 years apart. She lived with her parents who apparently 'pulled rank' and said we must go. i think we forget that contraception in the 60's wasnt as readily availible as it is now. My BM was a divorcee with two boys, and guess she was keen for the attention any man would show her, especially a man by whom she'd had one child (the first she gave for adopton) when he returned to find her some years later and promised to marry her. 'Whoops No2 ''occured and he ran again. Naive maybe a beter word , but perhaps that is with the wisdom of hind sight

hi every one just wanted to add my thoughts i have an older brother who remained with my birth parents and after me and my sister was adopted they went on to have 2 more boys which they kept my older brother always says to me that we were the lucky ones as all my brothers are emotionally scared by there up bringing,they dont have happy memories,and sometimes i think they envey me and my sister for having a good up bringing,i have a lot of mixed feelingings about everything,i so wished i had been brought up with my brothers,but what sort of person would i have turned out to be,i dont think i would of been the nice person i am,my brothers are very hard people cus they had to be angie x

Hi all What a week,my cousin has been back in touch,we are just using GR at the moment,no great need to rush anything at each other,but some messags ago i mentioned granny felt more real than my b/m because i can find things out about her more easily. Well that's still true but my cousin has put some pictures on his tree,and one is of Granny,and it's not far from the time she had her Xmas Day wedding. Blooming magic it is,plus one of her in older life,looking all set for a natter over the back fence with the neighbour. It's strange after the problems with half sibs (still nothing for 6 weeks now)that someone is so open and willing to ask AND answer questions,not too sure what is known about b/m but heck,for now at least i do have family. Glen xxx

Hi Everyone Bump Melisa

Just checking in no news as yet I remain hopeful my 6 months wait is up next month should I start pestering now? I''m gonna be a grandma next month that is a real buzz another generation in my tree I can't wait . BTW wonderful poem all take care - Lorna

Hi Folks, how are we all, other than falling into oblivion? Jess x

Bumping for a newbee Rosi

Hi everyone, Hope everyone had a good weekend. Its been slow here as well, not much happening. No news is good news. Hoping to hear about my BF this week. Not expecting a name as it was a long time ago. I suppose it depends on her memory. Annxx

Hi Everyone Well I start this with I wish I had never started my search. I should have stayed just the girl who was adopted with no background. I could have just stayed with my fantasys that maybe I was related to someone royal or famous - that is where I should of stayed in hindsight. The reason for this is about a week ago I sent BM an email asking about my BF was he tall/short, what was his name , can she tell me a bit about him and this is the reply I got !!!!!!!!! ''Please .... will you not ask anyone about your dad as they don,t know what to say...neither do i for that matter...Can i just say it will upset you, and thats not my intentions, painful memory for me....! When we get to know each other better i promise i will tell you the truth, but now it,s too soon..'' Well you can only imagine the thoughts in my head right now or maybe not ( they are not nice at all ). The most calming and relaxing of these is that she had a one night stand ( almost amusing compared to my other thoughts) What do you think ?? Thanks Mel

Mel - think you're going to have to be patient and give BM time to come to terms with you finding each other first. At least your BM doesn't say she won't tell you anything about your BF, just that she will later - perhaps she feels you need to build a degree of trust between each other first. After all this time, a few more weeks (or months) won't hurt.

Mel Sadly it about par for the course.I guess many birth mothers react like that. mine did ~ she claimed to not even know his name, (which it turned out that she did ). I tend to think ( and it is only my thoughts) that it is when BF are mentioned to BM, the 'stupidity' of what they did in concieving us is up for Question. My birth mother already had 1 daughter by this man that she gave for adoption prior to me, to admit that she made the same mistake twice.... , that she was THAT silly, THAT naive.... What happened in my case was documented so i knew the truth, even if she wasnt prepared to talk about it. She never did admit the truth. Maybe yours will eventually, maybe you need to drop it completely for now, kinda play her game? Jess

Hi Foilks, Sorry not to have been around much, had stuff to sort out. Mel, Do yourself a favour and do not second guess the info about your father,I know that its easier said than done, but you will only upset yourself, I think most of us tend to try and think of the worst scenario and work backwards, but what may be upsetting for her may not be so bad to you. He may have been married, he may have been a one night stand, he may have treated her badly, or worse we will have all gone through these scenarios when we began our search. However, torturing yourself will not change anything just upset you, if it is bad news, you will like the rest of us learn how to deal with it, it it not that bad you have put yourself through all this for nothing. Bide your time, and just take it a step at a time, at the end of the day she was so pleased to be in touch, that must tell you something. :O) If you need to get anything of your chest you know where I am, I did find out some quite awful things in my search, but could not put them on here, in case some of the people concerend ever read them, but believe me, you get through it, what is it they say, whatever, doesn't kill you makes you stronger ;O) Reckon us adoptees must be really strong ! :O) Sheila

Mel - Remember the three most important things about searching they are control - control - control You are in control of your situation. You are giving information to your birth mother that you are there, you are ok, you have a life. If you get information back, that is only an interesting fact. It does not change who you are - it does not change your interests, your likes and dislikes, or the colour of your hair - all these things and many more are yours to control. You are unique, always were and always will be - knowing this, be strong.

Hi Mel I feel for you,despite having a line of communication the desire for answers is always difficult to hold back. Be strong for yourself and those around you,but be patient too. Very easy for me to say as i can't ask my b/m anything as she is no longer around,and the one contact i do have has gone very silent. Hugs from this end Glen xxx

Hi Everyone Thank-you so much for everything you have all written. What would I do without all of your support. My husband is really good but does not always know the right thing to say, he has never been there and never will. I think the hardest thing now is not knowing, as you said Sheila what is really bad to some is not hat bad to others. If she had been with a married man willingly or had a one night stand that would be the best outcome from ' the secret '. I do really need to know what the secret is as then I can deal with it and move on from there. You are right it will not change who I am today. But not knowing the secret is making me sick inside, as it is to anyones guess as what it is. I am sure that I am not the only one in thinking it is something really bad. You are right in saying this will make me stronger, I believe it will also. And if nothing else comes out of my search I will have started a great penpal relationship with my birth cousin and hopefully that will continue. Thanks again everyone you are all my rock, and we will speak soon Melisa

Dear All I am a researcher that has helped many people on Genes find who they were looking for but I am also an adoptive mother. I did say to our son (who is now 22 and who we reunited with his natiral mother at the age of 18) don't ask too many questions. She will tell you in her own time what she wants you to know. Our son is aware of his natural father's name but his natural mother did not make him aware she was pregnant. As a researcher, I could find him in no time but that is not my choice. The choice of looking for his father and letting him know that he became a father at that time is his natural mother's decision not mine of her/our son's. It may sound harsh to say this but I feel for all in these situations. I would love to give our son the other 50% of his heritage but it is not my decision. Our son is so happy with the outcome and is very happy to have contact with his natural family (3 generations) as we, his adoptive parents are. We are the lucky ones as we are all an extended family and not every adoptee gets this conclusion to a search. Much luck and happiness to all searching. Joan www.myfolks(.)net

Mel. you cant change it, dont try and force the issue with her, if she is going to tell you, she will when she is good and ready. You say you need to know to move on - willl it make that much difference? OK it will tell you maybe a bit about what he was like in his 'attitudes' but other than that... dont be too hard on yourself, or your BM. Jess