Genealogy Chat

Hello all, my birth mother has passed & I had contact with birth sister, this didnt last long although I met my mums last husband & I would like to know if you all think he would sent me a photo of mum, its a little tricky though as he only lives a few minuites away from birth sister & has regular contact with her, do you think its advisable. Many thanks.

None of us can tell you whether he would send you a photo. But if you don't ask him you won't find out. The worst thing that can happen is that you don't get a photo. But you haven't got one anyway. Or are you saying its more delicate because he doesn't know about you? nell

Thanks Nell, he knows about me & I met him last year with my family, but he is really close to my bs, I'm just worried that he will tell her & it will all blow up as this is not my intention, I have accepted that me & sister dont get on & all I want is a photo of mum to pass on to my son when I give him my family tree.

This is between you and him and doesn't concern your birth sister, as far as I can see. nell

Well Louise, I would say to you that your BM is as much your BM as she is your sister's. If you and your birth sister do not get on, then what does it matter if she doesn't like it? So what? Write to your BD and ask him - he would have to be very hard-hearted indeed to deny you this simple and understandable request. I don't want to know your private business but would just remind you (and your BSister and BF) that you didnt ask to be born and you are the INNOCENT one in all this. Olde Crone

I dont think he will see it like that, she calls all the shots now mums gone & I think he would feel hes betraying her if he doesnt tell, thats why I'm asking what you all think.

Thanks Old crone, you are right, but its still very tricky, He is a lovely, lovely man & I wouldnt want to cause any hurt.

The reply after olde crone is in reply to nell, sorry olde crone in that one as you read the replies i sound like I'm being rude to you, I was replying to what Nell was saying, Oh god I bet your all confused now!!

Louise The situation is the same - if you don't ask, you won't get. If you do ask, you might get. Good luck. nell

Thanks Nell, I have his phonenumber, do you think this would be more respectful then I could voice my concerns on a personal basis,.

Louise You know this chap, I don't. I can't say, except that if you phone someone, you can use your tone of voice to express how you feel, but you might catch them at an awkward moment. A letter is less personal, but it would enable you to think about what you want to say. nell

I quite agree, but a letter in these circumstances is something he could pass on to bs & she could use it to alter the future & use it as me being desperate, i already know she is jealous of the fact mum had another daughter & wouldnt put it past her to stop me having contact with other members of the family. thanks Nell.

She can only stop you having contact if the other family members choose to let her. I don't know the background to all this, but I imagine that if she has only recently found out about you it is probably a shock. Finding out your mum had another child you knew nothing about would alter the way you think about your mum and your life. Jealousy is a very difficult emotion. Maybe she wants to keep your mum to herself. Anyway how can a simple letter asking for a photo be seen as something to hold over you? Why shouldn't you want a photo of your mother? How could other family members be bothered about it? nell

hi Nell, she has known all her life about me, we were brought up as cousins but even as little girls we suspected something as we are so alike, the damage between us was caused by my adoptive family & now she believes them not me.

Nell is right [as usual] - you wont get a photo if you don't ask. Maybe offer to pay for one to be copied if there is not a 'spare'. And tell him that you think it is important that your son (and future generations) knows what his grandmother looked like. Who could be hard-hearted enough to refuse? Good luck Victoria

Give him a call and then there is no evidence of what was said!! Just ask if he wouldn't mind but say you'll understand if he doesn't see this as possible Good luck xx

Hi Louise, I tend to agree with Pink, I know you say things have died down reagrding contact with BS, but is she bitter towards you ? what makes you think it would upset her for you to have a photo of your BM, have you asked her previously and has she refused ? Sheila