Genealogy Chat

Hi Vanessa, Thank-you for putting your view across. I am a adoptee and always wonder what birth mothers go through, but unfortnatly not to many like to put it into words. I have contacted my birth mother and she was pleased to hear from me and know that I am well, I think that will be as far as it goes, which is fine with me. I thank her for the choice she made to have me adopted, as I would not have had the charmed life that I have had nor become the person I am today. Melisa

Hi Clare, Sorry I had not realised on the previous threads it was you, how are things going with your mother ? When you say about Southport helping, what they are actually doing is a search on the NI number to see if it is still in use, I doubt if you say it is to do with adoption they would help, maybe they would tell you if it is being used still, but no more, its the same info Traceline use, but non of the main organisations will get involved in adoption cases. The only problem is if someone asks and they are told that its no longer in use the may assume the worse, but it could be the adoptive family have emigrated with the child, or the BM may have gone to live abroad etc. Vanessa, Thanks for your input, your very welcome on any of our threads. One thing I would tell you, of the very, very many adoptees I have spoken to, none of them are bitter or hold any grudges against their BM's, most appreciatte that it was a very difficult choice for them to make, and not only their choice alone, for some it was basically forced upon them by family and circumstance, a lot of adoptees especailly from the 1960's know it was a different world back then and vitually impossible to be a single mum, but are very grateful for the sacrifice they made, in my adoptive family, 2 BM's made our parents life complete, and gave us the benefit of a wonderful set of parents and a fantastic upbringing. Whilst we where curious and like yoou have mentioned asked 'Why' we are able to Thank them for this gift, and they in turn now have peace of mind to know that we had a happy childhood, what more could any of us ask :O) If you do decide to try and trace your daughter, contact the SS that arranged the adoption, or at the very least leave a letter with her file, that way if she does view the records she will receive it, they should also be able to tell you also if she has been in contact with them. Do not feel bad I am sure she feels the way that most of us do, but I hope for your sake that one day she makes contact and you have peace of mind. Till then Take Care Sheila

nudge to save some info on here. just found my partners b/f he was adopted, b/f does not want to know , he is now 78, two of his children have accepted partner and doing there best to convince father to meet, but at least we found him, know he is well and have pictures thanks to his kids.

A good thread Vanessa - Many of us adoptees on here wish there was a separate board for us to keep it all tidy as it were, and save time hunting. Don't forget the thread about Adoptees who can be open, will also be of use to birth mums, and dads. It is for us all to post dates and christian names, and possibly an area, which will only be recognised by a birth mum, or an adoptee. No surnames as there will be people still living who could be upset. I will put my search details on here, because although I found my dear - now dec'd - birth mum, my full sister may be searching. If you were born Jennifer Ann, on 22nd Sept. 1945 your full sister can give you any info. you would like to have about our parents. Eileen

Hi, I've changed my name to post this to protect the indentity of the people involved. In 1997 a friend of mine found out she was pregnant (she has been through a real messy break down of marriage) she had already got 2 kids and was really struggling to cope emotionally.The father was someone who was never going to be interested in raising a child so it would have meant her being on her own with no family support either. She told me she was going to have the baby adopted and please not to judge her, Well who am I to judge when I have never been in that situation? she managed to hide the fact that she was pregnant and if anyone asked we made up excuses about her eating too much comfort food. I was with her when the baby was born, a little scrap at 5lbs. I have to be honest I was an emotional wreck and it broke my heart when the baby was taken away almost immediately after he was born. they asked her what she wanted to call him and she chose her fathers name. To this day I don't know how she found the strength to leave him at the hospital when I picked her up the next day.She was one very brave lady to make that choice. We know the baby went to a very nice family who already had one adopted son and that they have the financial backing to give him a very good life. My friend would never have coped on her on with the baby, and because we lived in such a small town I don't think she would ever have been able to avoid the gossipers. I think about the baby a lot and hope he is happy and healthy and that he has wonderful parents to love and cherish him. Thanks for reading this, I've carried this secret for the last 9 years and it was nice to be able to share it with others who understand

to - Changed for this thread only We all need a special friend at some time of our lives, and you certainly are one for the lady you supported. I don't think anyone who reads and posts on here would judge your friend for her decision. So sad for her (and many others) that there are times when a partnership breaks down so badly that children miss out. A pat on the back for fathers who do not shirk their responsibilities, fortunately there are plenty, - and many (((hugs))) for your friend, and for you for being there for her.

May i say a big THANK YOU to everyone who has added their messages,thoughts and advice to my Thread. I am more than greatful by the responses and i will take on alot of your advice. Also a big THANK YOU to all that sent me PMs. I more than welcome all your thoughts and support. I hope that one day my daughter will look me up and has had, and still has a loving and caring family. I added this thread to put across my veiw and, i hope, the veiws of most mothers who have had to part with their child. I feel very heartened by some of your stories and also very humble by others. I say to all the mothers and adoptees out there hoping and searching, Please do`nt give up and may your dreams come true with the help of the many websites available. Including GR of course. My thanks again. Vanessa

To change for this thread only reason in post. I just wanna say to all woman thinking of giving your baby up for adoption....read these threads that are available. 1.. I hope it gives peace of mind that most of these babies go to the best homes and have the best life. But in saying that remember maybe one day they might look you up. 2 .. Write down your memories from the days ,weeks and months prior to your decision and keep it for your child. So that if they decide to contact you, you will have all that information that we Adoptees need to hear. I know you might think that they shouldnt or wouldnt wont to hear all those horrible details but they do. I write this from my personal experience and hope by writing this it helps someone ,not hurts. And thank you its nice to hear the other side.

Thank you for adding those surgestions. They are of the up most importance when all the questions come flying out, as they will. I have a book specially for her and i hope to add the final chapter when we finally meet. Thanks again. Vanessa

Vanessa,,I understand completley as I was made to give up my son for adoption in the early 1970's. The way that parents treated me during this frightening and trautmatic time for a 16 year old .has left lasting scars for me, I have actually met my son and sadly things did not go well, But thats another story, I have great empathy for you and of course , for all you lovely people who were adopted. love and hugs Claire

Hello Claire. It is nice to receive a message from someone who has experenced the same. I was younger than you when this happened to me and all my mother kept saying was 'What are the neighbours going to say?'. It is hard to believe how times have changed and in our life time too. it is frightening. But has i said to my 2nd and third daughters from my first marriage. My husband died in 1995. and i remarried in 2005. do not worry i am here for you. We live and learn do`nt we. Vanessa I had to up date this. it sounded has if i had more than one daughter adopted.

Vanessa My mum said the exact same thing to me too, And I remember not being allowed to go out during the day, Only when it got dark when i was allowed to walk around the block for some fresh air, When i was discharged from the maternity hospital , my son was taken by Social Services, From walking through the front door, it was never mentioned again,,like it hadnt happened, At college,some years ago,,i had to write an essay about something 'significant or traumatic' that had happened in my life, but it had to be true, So i wrote about that time, I had a lovely lecturer, she gave me an A+ and told me afterards that she had been in tears reading it, For me,,writing it was a release, Thank you for your PM and your kind words Vannesa,, Love and hugs Claire

I was`nt so lucky in staying at home. I was sent away to a `Bad girls home` has it was called then. When i was getting close to my time i was then sent to a Mother and baby home in WALES of all places. Still can`nt understand why i was sent to wales? was made to keep and look after her for 6 weeks. So that when it came to parting with her you can imagine the fuss and stink i created. I am still in touch with a couple of the girls from the `Bad girls home`. they are marvolous. My spelling is getting terrible. Time to kick the lord and master out of bed. i want the warm side. My best regards and wishes Vanessa

Just to add to my earlier comments, that I've heard from someone else today that has spoken to Debbie Woods at ONS and she has said she will ONLY deal with Adoption cases to confirm if a person is still registered on the NHS. If it is for any other reason, then there is another department that deals with the query and they will charge you £30 unfortunately. Claire

Anne, Vanessa, Claire in Lincs. been following this thread as I am an adoptive parent. I think your idea of a book is really good and would go a long way towards understanding the spoken and unspoken questions of our sons and daughters. One of mine when younger asked me difficult questions like, 'why did she give me up, did she reject me....I would have never give me up I would have fought tooth and nail etc. etc.' It took me quite a while talking and re-assuring to (almost) convince them of their birth mothers very difficult circumstances and that they had been greatly loved. I have a feeling this particular child carries this 'hurt' into young adulthood as they are particularly perceptive, sensitive and 'deep thinking' although they have an unshakeable bond to their adoptive family. I hope that they re-unite one day and that all the questions are answered. This is where a book of memories and thoughts would go a long way towards understanding. The other adopted siblings are curious but having a different nature don,t seem to think about 'why' so much and can't be bothered finding out. Not this one though. I see the need here and am with them all the way. Thank you for sharing your thoughts all of you - I find it very helpful and feel privileged to be able to read this thread. Hugs to you all and to Claire in Lincs - special thoughts that someday things will be better between you and your son.

A Catherine Cook type saga! - but true! A view from a different angle - but connected. My mum was forced by circumstances, (social services were not as they are now) to abandon three of her young children, leaving them and their father, and taking the youngest (me) with her. Following her departure, her husband allowed her no contact with her children at all. letters were returned unopened, he moved house, and destroyed everything that connected them to her. He remarried, and the children came to regard this new lady as their mother. My mother kept a photograph of these children always on her dressing table - it was part of my childhood. She had 3 further children, and then their father, my stepfather, died - I was only 6 and the baby, my young brother, was 9 months old. State support was virtually non existent then, and while, my two younger sisters were semi- fostered ( that is another, not happy, story) my brother was unofficially 'adopted' by my mothers' eldest brother and his wife, who brought him up along with there 8 yr old son, in London, about 50 miles and a fair journey away in those days. Money was very tight, mum couldn't visit him often, and she had to work very hard to support herself and me, and my two tiny sisters. I was at school during the day, and was a latch key kid (aged 6) so didn't need daytime care(!). My brother thus grew up more as a cousin than a brother - although we all knew what the real relationship was. My mother loved him dearly, I think more than the rest of us, perhaps because he was very like in colouring and temperament (as he matured) his father, who had died, leaving us all in such straitened circumstances. In conversations with said brother later in life he said that as a child he always felt that we (his mum and 3 sisters) had abandoned him and didn't want him. That he wanted to come back and live with us - we were all by then living in a rented two bedroomed bungalow, along with my mothers elderly and infirm parents. He never really believed that mum wanted him - and never forgave her for giving him away. When he later found out that she had earlier 'abandoned' 3 other 'babies', this excacerbated the non understanding he felt for her. Fast forward a few years - my brother fathered a daughter, and he and the mother of the child were forced, (by the parents of the girl, I believe), to put the baby up for adoption. I didn't know it at the time, but my (and his) sister, begged to be allowed to adopt the child, and bring her up with her own two girls, but this was ruled out of the question - and the baby went elsewhere. to be brought up by a very caring family. My brother, meanwhile, married and fathered another 4 children, but stated quite often that his dearest wish was to find his lost daughter. Then, out of the blue - she contacted him - a year or two back - and there was much rejoicing all around !! - She is a happy well adjusted lady, married and with a family of her own. living in the midlands. She does now have two 'family trees' - her adopted and her birth families. She has also found her birth mother, who too has a grown family, and was very pleased that her daughter had made contact. Happy and fulfilling endings all round. Yes.... But she (my brother's first daughter) still feels she belongs nowhere !. And my brother still feels that his mother abandoned him and didn't want him! My older siblings still - after 65+ years, and deaths of all parents/step parents involved - feel strong resentment that our mother left them, and apparently made no attempt to retain contact with them. I feel that my mum always much preferred my younger siblings to me - totally illogically - she took me with her when she went from her first husband - maybe because, it must be said, it is rumoured that if she hadn,t I would have been sent to Dr Barnardo's - and thus (probably) transported along with thousands of other children to Oz, or Canada. And then I too would have been a child who for one reason or another believed that my mum had abandoned me! Funny old world! Rosi. PS. None of my brothers or sisters, or I, motley collection that we are, have, as far as I know, abandoned any children anywhere. However, neither my own first husband, nor those of my two younger sisters, have had anything to do with the rearing of their own offspring almost from the beginning - its the fathers that have done the abandoning! Is this 'abandoned' behaviour nature or nurture ? !! :) :)

Good heavens Rosie, what a story, I can,t help thinking though that although most of the story happened years ago when things were undoubtedly much much harder in many ways and an appalling lack of support was evident there are still similar wounds being inflicted today within the families round about us. Rejection, the feeling of never really being accepted, of not being good enough, real fear of a parent or step parent and so on and so on. I live in quite an ordinary town with not much obvious evidence of poverty. My children and their friends went to reasonably well achieving schools and have lots of opportunities to be all they can be. I hear from them often of tales of unhappiness within families and have sat and listened to a couple of their friends who are more able to talk to me than their own family. This thread is about adoption maybe but so many of the issues raised occur within step and natural families too and with less couples getting married and staying together many children are being 'messed around' today. How often are the needs of the child pushed aside and the parents wants paramount. I am not talking here about circumstances like abuse more like kids being really miserable because their families are 'cash rich time poor' or the friend of my sons who feels his step father dislikes him and treats him unfairly for no reason other than he exists. Sad but a lot of hurts are carried around by lots of people nowadays too and I guess it will always be like this as we are all flawed human beings. We all have issues great and small and hopefully are able to work through them. I hope this thread helps even in a small way someone on their journey.

Vanessa,, Rosie ..Fergie and everyone, When i eventually did meet up with my son,,of whom i am very proud,, during our initial first talks,,,he told me that the Social Services had given him his adoption papers, It stated on them that I had decided to let him go for adoption so that I could continue with my nursing career, Nothing could be so far from the truth,,!! I was MADE to give him up by my parents, A fact that the Social Services had omitted on the forms,, They knew the real reason but chose to put this, My son told me that, becasue of that statement, he felt unwanted and rejected, I have to tell you all that writing this is helping me enormously,

Hi all, I've been reading this thread and find it all overwhelming. What a relief for everyone that they have other people to share their thoughts and feelings with; I hope you all find comfort. Hopefully, one day, I will find my adopted sis. x

Dear Claire (in Lincs) You must have been so angry at finding out what was written on the file. What a shower of ........... sorry, but I feel so mad that you were treated like this. The truth should always be told because it will come out and you must have had a time of it convincing your son but I'm sure that he, given time and maturity, will better understand 'why'. There is a saying that what doesn't kill you makes you stronger and although that is a generalisation of sorts there is truth in it. You are probably a much nicer, stronger, mature person for working through all this (as is your son.) Give him time and I think he'll realise the truth and move on from it a bit more. Lots of love and positive thoughts. I feel for you and all the mums and children.