Genealogy Chat

Hi, From a personal and emotional point, I sometimes feel a little uncomfortable when dealing with lookups that are possibly to do with generations that may still be living? (every house has skeletons) and I sometimes do wonder whether skeletons should be left in the closet? Am I the only one that feels this way or am I being stupid? Or could someone please put my conscience to rest? Suzanne

I think you're just being properly sensitive to the possibility of invading someone's privacy. Christine

I agree. A friend recently asked me to help with her tree. Did quite well, found some living rellies she didn't know about. THEN she announced that she was adopted and the names she'd given me were of her birth mother and father!!!! Fortunately I'd not been too specific in the emails I'd exchanged with the living rellie, so was able to back paddle & hopefully I've avoided unearthing skeletons Shall we just say my friend is now only too well aware I am not impressed by her actions & won't be asking me again !!!!

I think it's best to know now when you can still get answers... I mean everything is just the same now but put down a different way. Tracy

As you said every house has it's skeletons.I found out through doing my tree that my nan was illegitamte, I don't think my mom ever knew until I got nans birth cert. I don't think it changes anything, It doesn't make me feel any different towards my nan. (she died before I was born so I never got to meet her) last week I found nans grave she has no headstone, so I bought her a little pot to mark her grave and some flowers.None of us can change the past, Linda x

Suzanne I think you are feeling what lots of us feel. My mum gave me the letters her father had written to her mother when they were courting. Nothing shocking, but lots of useful genealogical info. My mum didn't mind me reading them, but felt she couldn't herself as it was too private for her. I've found in my past people in prison, in lunatic asylums and even in Broadmoor Criminal Lunatic asylum, as well as the usual run of illegitimate children. Not shocking now, just interesting, though of course if it was a living relative it would be more of a sensitive issue. nell

Absolutely! I think it's quite normal! ...... It's when you ask about great aunt so-and-so and instead of an answer you get that stoney-faced silence and the quick change of subject!!!! When I first started genealogy and was asking questions around my immediate family, my uncle took me to one side and informed me that he knew the father named on his birth certificate wasn't his biological father, so I had no need to worry about telling him when I found out! (Didn't have the heart to tell him that I could only go on info ON birth certificates, so I would never HAVE found out if he hadn't told me, lolol!!) Bev x

This topic is always interesting. Basically we have to be quite nosey people to be doing family research! I always thought how great it would be to have something in that family closet until a cousin of mine from the other side of the world told me a great big skeleton. A few months later a descendant of her brach contacted me for info & obviously did not know what I did! I decided not to discuss, I am glad I did not as I think she was only Name collecting & soon got bored with it! If it had have been my direct line I think I would have spilled the beans! Lets just say if she & 2 of her siblings had DNA tests they would have a lot to talk about! Always wondered how they looked so different from the rest of us !

Like Bev, I also had a family relative tell me something that I would never have found out through the research I was doing. He was worried that I would find out why some of the rellies weren't on friendly terms with others. I had to explain that I was researching facts not family gossip. I also found out that a whole family of close rellies were illegitimate and that info. would upset some living relatives so I have kept it to myself. However one of them is now interested in genealogy and I may have to tell her eventually rather than have her find out through records and ask why I didn't tell her. Susan

this is something I'm currently wrestling with. following suspicions I'd had for many years, I finally sent for a birth certificate that proves a relative, still living, is illegitimate. It has never been mentioned, and I don't even know if she is aware of it. I can fully understand why an illegitimate birth was hushed up at that time, but of course times & attitudes change. My instinct is not to say anything, for fear of the repercussions & upset its bound to cause, but if she DOES know, she might also know who her natural father is, and that information could well die with her. Her birth mother died some years ago.

I've got so many skeletons on one side of the family that I recently gave a talk called 'A Flock of Black Sheep'! But the people I was talking about have been dead for a long time and at this stage the fact that we have fraudsters, conmen and criminally insane in places on the tree is just interesting!!! I am glad though that my Nan didn't live long enough to find out that her ancestors were not as refined as she might have thought. I think if I were to find any details of a recent skeleton I would save all the information and keep it somewhere safe so future generations can benefit from the findings but I'd only share it with people who might be upset if they look like they are about to find it out for themselves and it would be kinder coming from someone they know. If any friends of mine ask me to do any looking up for them I do warn them that I might uncover things but fortunately nothing unpleasant has appeared in their trees. Best wishes Sue

This is something I never thought about before. My parents are both dead and last year we discovered a relative we never knew existed. It has been a very emotional time all round and took me a few months to come to terms with it. I do feel a bit strange about researching my mothers past and often feel she kept a lot of things from us for a reason. I would advise anyone who is worried about this just to tread carefully. It does work out ok in the end but it can be very emotional.

The mitigating factor is that the information being looked up is all in the public domain - otherwise we couldn't get at it. Against that is - that it is only with the special way we collect the info, plus specific background knowledge, that we might ''join up the dots'' into an awkward picture, which might otherwise have been just a pretty pattern. That situation seems to be reflected in a number of the posts above. Christine

A while ago there was a programme made by the comedian Dave Gorman when he went round the world contacting other Dave Gorman's. I am a nurse and I was looking after a chap called Dave Gorman who had severe learning disabilities. I had to write to the BBC and explain the situation after Dave had an invite to visit television centre in London. I am sure his mother would have been very upset if we had allowed him to appear in the programme. On a similar note my husband has a cousin who is about 70 who was never told she was adopted. The rest of the family all seem to know. She is very interested in family history but lucklly seems happy with my explanation that I don't add living people to my tree. If any one recognised her name and date of birth it could lead to all sorts of complications.

Hi, this is a very difficult subject. I have one old relative left who is my grandmother's sister. My nan died in 1951 and left 5 little girls. 2 stayed with the father, my grandad, the other 3 were sent to live with other aunties. My mum was only 4 or 5 when her mum died and I just want to ask this rellie nice questions, where did they live, go to school, etc, etc. The remaining sisters don't know anything. She claims she can't remember things! I am supposed to be going to see her with one of the sisters on 20th May. I know she doesnt want to talk but she is my last hope. She has got all her marbles so I know she knows things. I dont think there is anything bad to report back to me. I know my grandad was engaged to my nans other sister b4 her, she died and then he got friendly with my nan. Keeping it in the family! that would be interesting to find out about as well. Anyway will let you know how I get on. Anyone got a cattle prod lol Marnie

Hi Cheryl Regarding the same address on marriage certificates, it doesn't mean the couple were living together. I have any number. I gather that if you lived in different registration districts, you had to pay fees in both areas, so the chap took an address in the same district as the bride. Sometimes a relative's address if it was in the right place (I have found other family members that way) or both registering the same address. So, using this, you could reassure your older relative, even if this didn't apply in this particular case :-)) Hope this helps, Carol

Yes, and Cheryl, I have a few in my tree where the groom-to-be was living as a lodger or servant in the bride-to-be's house on the census, and it doesn't necessarily mean they were up to anything before they got married. Well, I hope not, because in one case the groom-to-be was the curate and the bride-to-be was the rector's daughter (not direct ancestors of mine, I must point out; all my actual ancestors seem to have been at it before getting married even if they weren't living at the same address as each other!) Kate.

When I started doing our tree I began with my mother who had an extremely unusual surname which I felt was the easiest to start on. All our (very small) family were aware that she was illegitimate but assumed as she was an only child there was nothing to find out except deceased ancestors. How wrong can you be? I saw the same surname on here and contacted the tree owner. I discovered that mum's father had been a married man and had 4 legitimate children as well as a couple of other illegitimate ones to another partner. 3 of the legitimate children are still alive and were flabbergasted to find out about mum. They had known that mum had a brother who died in infancy so luckily for me had been aware of the affair, but it could have been very different! I'm glad to say they're all ok about things and we email from time to time and have exchanged photos. There is a distinct family resemblance and one sister in particular is the image of mum. I just wish my mum was still alive - she always wished she had siblings and how happy she would have been to find out she had a half brother and half sisters.