Genealogy Chat

Helen We adoptees get so many different responses to our 'condition'. At school there were at least four other adoptees in my class of 28, and another one who was a close friend who never told me she was adopted - I made absolutely no secret about it for myself so she had plenty of opportunity to talk about it - I found out by chance when looking in the register of adopted children in London. I was born in 1944 and there are a lot of us about from WW2. A 'new' close friend when I went to college in the early sixties, dropped me like I had some contagious illness when I mentioned it. That did hurt a bit. My first parents-in-law were very 'off' about it, and insisted that their daughters (my sisters-in-law and only a year or so younger than I)should no nothing about it. My now 'ex' too, was not keen on helping me search, although he did drive me places as I could not drive at the time. My second husband, to whom I have now been married for 28 years, had absolutely no problem with it, actively helped, and happily had my b/mother and family to our house, and helped me reunite her with previous children she had lost to divorce when she had me. My five children -two from previous, now in their thirties, and three from current in their early and mid twenties- also have no bother with me producing extra aunts uncles and cousins etc from time to time. I guess all I am saying is that life is never simple, never black and white. No-one can make the rules for any of us, as we have no idea what reactions we will get even from those very close to us. You just have to go with what you feel, but also be prepared for some odd reactions. Sadly some people feel very wobbly when they find out they are not who they thought they were. So for example a now very dear half bro. of mine who turned up out of the blue some years ago - b/m had never mentioned him - was very shaken to find out that he was not the 'one innocent mistake of a young girl', but actually the sixth child of our mother, three in wedlock and him being the third out of wedlock. There were also two more after him. He had to readjust his view of himself, and he had not had a happy adoption either....... No maps, and no instructions...... Best wishes Eileen

HI HELEN JUST WANTED TO WISH YOU LUCK WITH YOUR SEARCH,PLEASE KEEP US INFORMED ON YOUR PROGGRESS HI ANN ALSO GOOD LUCK IN ALL YOU DECIDE TO DO WHEN I MET MY HUBBY I FOUND IT VERY HARD TO TELL HIM THAT I WAS ADOPTED I HAD THIS FEELING THAT NO ONE WOULD EVER WANT ME CUS I WAS ADOPTED HOW WRONG I WAS WE HAVE BEEN MARRIED 19YRS THIS YEAR.I ALSO FELT THAT WHEN MY GIRLS WERE OLD ENOUGH THEY SHOULD KNOW THAT I WAS ADOPTED,BUT THAT WAS MY PERSONAL CHOICE AND YOU HAVE TO DO WHAT YOU THINK IS WRIGHT FOR YOU LOTS OF HUGS BACARDI XXX

Thanks for the words of support Sheila. Today, Last night seems like a bad dream. I Have e-mailed you direct. Regards Ann x

Hi Ann, How are yoou :O) listen I would come clean with your family and take the weight of your shoulders, at the end of the day your adoptive parents were 'your parents' and they are your childrens 'grandparents' nothing will change that. I was about 30 when it all came out for me, and my family where brilliant about it just accepting they now had a more extended family now :O)) nothing has changed abouthow they feel about me or any of their family members, they just have more of them now ;O) so please, please do not feel bad about this, or put yourself through all this doubt, I am sure they will a lot more undestanding than you give them credit for (feel free to e.mail me direct also if you like). Take Care for now x Helen, I would try contact your SS, although this is not your direct case, the position of a lot of socitys is constantly changeing. In July 2001 a woman by the name of Linda Gunn-Russo tooke Nugents to court, as they would not allow her access to her records, in December 2005 the law changes to enable socities to help adoptees and birth parents trace each other, and I must admit Nugents were very helpful now to me, so you never know what is around the corner, jsut try contacting them and see if they can help, or make a note of your interest in tracing your fathers natural family. I wish you the best of Luck in your search. Sheila

Hi Helen, I am in a similar position as you, no names, no family connection, nothing at all to go only birth mother(deceased) & a few remaining family that wont share what they know, I have tried incredibly hard for the last 12 months & got basically-NOWHERE!! However I wish you all the luck & please dont hesitate to pm me as you are just starting & it can be a little dis-heartening at times.

Ok Jess!! LOL Thanks for your help.................I am trying NOT to feel guilty. Ann xx

You are not guilty of anything Ann! Going to slap you! jess x

Thanks, for the words of support Helen. Also thanks for letting me Hijack your thread..............more guilt! Ann xxxxxxxx

Helen There is a message board on the GRO site for Adoptees or birth parents wishing to find their children. You could leave your name there. Good luck with your decision. Ann x

No probs at all Ann, good luck! It's a tricky one, but i'm sure they'll understand your reluctance to tell them when you do eventually pluck up the courage!

Thank you Sue. You are correct.......you have to do what you feel is right , when the time is right. The trouble is in my case ...........It's been taken out of my hands, I have been forced into a decision! Thanks for your kind offer of an e-mail. Ann x

Helen, I think you have to do what you feel is right and when the time is right as well. Ann, You do not need to feel mortified at all, like yourself I was nearly 50 when I told my children, also adults, that I was adopted, there had seemed no point before as the question had not arisen. My daughter said 'Yippee, I've got three Grandmas!!' Just to give you a bit a laugh. Good luck, Sue E-mail me if you want to talk any more.

S...........orry to butt in on your thread Helen(I dare NOT start a thread of my own in case my kids see it!). But strangely enough TODAY my daughter rang me to say she had tried the free trial on Ancestry, looked for all the family + Guess what. I wasn't there!.................I was mortified, I haven't told my kids I was adopted.I wont go into all the emotions of why I didn't. Just lets say at the moment I am PANICing in a big way. Do I tell them now? or pretend my name has just been mis-spelt. Their Grandparents are both now dead.......My adoptive Mum died 3 years ago(thats when I started researching my B/Family) I am 50+ and it is going to be SO hard to tell my kids(now adults) that its all been a lie........ sorry again Helen. Ann x

Don't get upset about it Helen.........do what you feel is the right thing to do.

Only you are turning it that way, I'll say no more because i really dont agree with your thought pattern good luck , i hope you find what you are looking for jess

Jess, I do not wish to get into a slanging match. However, you do seem to be rather adept at making sweeping statements. 'you are therefore not that old'..... what difference does that make? I'm not that old, but I'm not that young either! I didnt't realise that my age would be an issue. My father was 40 when he died, which makes it all the more tragic when I think that somewhere is a woman who carried a child for 9 months and gave birth to him and doesnt even realise that her child has passed away. Perhaps it is because I have had my own children recently that I can empathise with the thought of parting with the life you have created and nurtured. I do not want to go down the route of 'but only adoptees know what it feels like' because quite frankly it isn't just the child adopted out who is the adoptee but all their family too. I have nothing to go on. No family history, no idea of medical history (very difficult when answering midwives questions), Sometimes I look at my youngest daughter and she looks like my father across the eyes and I think..... I wonder if she takes that from her gran!? At the end of the day, I asked the question and there have been several positive responses, so I'm glad I did. I just hadn't realised that it was going to turn into an interogation!

Sorry you found my tone abrasive - it wasnt intended that way - just wondered how motivated you were and suchlike. Your father is the same age as me, you are therefore not that old - possibly explains your tone to me too, from first hand experience i can tell you how confusing it is for samll children to not understand their 'grandparentage' , for want of better terminology. my mother has Altheimers and blurted to her grandson that she wasn't his real granny - but can offer no name as to who is - she shouldnt have done it, but that is a mental health issue - all i was trying to say was, dont do it too young. oh well Jess

I had a similar situation a while back -my first husband was adopted and sadly died in 1974. I tried to find out his birth name but was told by the authorities that this could only be given to the adopted person-difficult when he is no longer with us. Later I was told that as I have his adoption certificate with the necessary numbers I could contact Kew House ? Not sure if that's right......someone will surely know the right name. I found that once I could find out his birth family I was hesitant to do so. Since then I have been given details about his birth mother from his adopted family so now I know. Good luck.

I could be wrong but I was led to believe that as next of kin to an adoptee who is deceased,you can in those circumstances view their adoption file-I could have the wrong end of the stick,so if anyone knows otherwise feel free to correct me on this.

Jess, I did actually answer all of your questions, but have decided to remove the posting, because to be honest I don't really think it is any of your business how old my children are or my motivation into searching. The information I initially posted was sufficient for the query I made and if I wanted to give an account of personal details and circumstances I would have done so. Your abrupt and abrasive tone applied to the question whether I knew my father's birth year was unwarrented and uneccessary. If you re-read the posting, it makes perfect sense, he was adopted circa 1961. Thanks for all your kind replies and i'm sorry if I appear sharpe, I do not see why I should try to justify my need to trace my relatives. Why does anyone visit this site? Surely we all want the same thing?