Genealogy Chat

This still need a couple of pages added, I didn't have time to do from 21st aug today although i have it copied. Ann Glos

Added by Jess Bow Bag Bobbin Dog on 20/08/2006 20:18:40 Hi all I am not sure that birth mothers the world over DO expect us to look fort them, some I think, still believe what they were told, certainly in the 1950's an 60's, which was that the child that they gave away would NEVER be ABLE to trace them, certainly never turn up on their door step. I wonder what percentage would have kept their babies if they'd have known that we WOULD be able to find out who our natural parents were? and that we WOULD one day be able to walk back into their lives?(or try to!) My birth mother must have been absolutely horrified when the law allowed us the infomation that told us who we were. Jess Added by Dorothy Lavallee on 20/08/2006 22:20:15 this is in response to the message jess just put on the site, I am quite sure that a lot of BM did not ever expect that the child they gave up would ever be able to contact them, I retired from nursing in 1999 but in the 60's and 70's nursed many young and not so young who gave the babies up, many of them came from across canada to ontario supposedly visiting relatives or going to school out of province and stayed at unmarried mothers homes (as they were called at the time). I remember thinking how cruel it was that the babies were whisked away at birth so the mother did not see them, but on the 5th day they had to go to the nursery with a social worker and identifiy the baby as the one they had given birth too reading the babies braclet. and they were told that no one would ever know that they had given the baby away. how times have changed and for the better I think. I also looked after some of the young women later in thier lives when they married and had other children and they would always lie re the number of children they had for many it was a deep dark secret, always two side to a story I guess, I have not had to face the decision to contact my birth mother as she was already dead when I learned I was adopted, and too be honest I don't know what I would have done, one day I felt that I would not contact and another maybe I would, this adoption thing is strange at times how we respond to it just had to share a few thoughts with you all bye dorothy canada Added by Bacardi Slice No Ice on 20/08/2006 23:30:09 iv i lost the plot i posted twice on here and my messages arnt been displayed bacardi x Added by Jess Bow Bag Bobbin Dog on 21/08/2006 06:45:20 you can get 100's of replies on a thread Bacardi, try again will start again at 500 replies Added by Lorna Potter on 21/08/2006 15:56:40 An update on me well I finally got my records a few weeks ago and true to form like other stories I read on here they answered some questions but not the things i wanted to know . Just had a call from my s/w and my birth mother is dead in fact died when I was 7 many moons ago. So that has stopped my search for her Don't know where to go what to do or think at the moment. After getting my records and finding out that if she was alive she would be 83 i had half decided not to pester her at her age so that decision has been taken from me, Now know she died with another surname so do I search for siblings or let sleepin dogs. Feel like I been thru a mill for nothing at moment perhaps just need time to think and mull I'm 50 and although didn't think it would this news has hit me for 6. I'm grieving for some one I didn't know who died 43 years ago I only started this search for some medical background and that chance to see who I take after basic me things sorry bit maudling didn't mean to be will regroup and see where i go from here Added by Jess Bow Bag Bobbin Dog on 21/08/2006 16:02:36 Lorna -Let it sink in first- take time to mull it over - maybe send for her death cert and see what she died of? I think (maybe) you had wound yourself into a... shall-I , shan't I.. probably hadnt really reached a decision, and suddenly its been taken away from you. Armed with the info, maybe you would have contacted her, now you know you cant. depends how great your thirst for knowledge is as to what you do next.take your time and mull things as long as you need to thinking of you Jess x

Added by Simon Bird on 17/08/2006 13:48:35 Hi there. It is decision time. I have had so many useful responses to my postings, both from adoptors and adoptees. I am not an emotional person but some I must say have been quite moving. Although everyone has had different experiences there is definitely a theme running through them and it boils down to, as Clint Eastwood said in Dirty Harry, 'You've got to ask yourself one question. Do I feel lucky ?', My response is - I do feel lucky but want to avoid being shot if I can. It was very tempting to think I could just push a button and send an email to a Genes Reunited tree owner and enquire if she was my mother (I am 99% sure she is). However, as I only get one go at this, and I want to cut out the luck element as much as possible, I have decided to continue down the tried and tested (?) Social Services route and let the Councillor send an initial letter. Why reinvent the wheel if it has already been invented ? I will let you know how I get on. Keep up the good work. Simon Added by Bacardi Slice No Ice on 17/08/2006 14:52:51 hi simon i think personally you have made the right desision i wish you well in your journey and please keep us posted on any developments ang xxx Added by Donna King on 17/08/2006 15:14:16 Hi Simon Good luck. Personally think you are doing the right thing. Hope all goes well. Keep us all posted on how it goes. Donna Added by Sheila From Down Under on 18/08/2006 08:34:49 Hi Simon.... I had that bottle of chablis and it was very good and then I had another. As you know--- but the others do not, I as adopted in 1942 and found my B M in April this year after joining Genes this March, She is dead but her 85 year old sister is very much alive, I am one of the lucky ones in that all of them accept me , I ring them every other week and plan a trip to the U K next year. So my advise is to try, at least you will not die wondering ( what if) Sheila Added by Jess Bow Bag Bobbin Dog on 18/08/2006 11:08:05 Simon -my two pen'orth, for what it is worth. I think you are going the right way, thru S/Services. i really wanted to do the initail letter myself, but my case worker siad it would be better coming from her - as it turned out B/M denied having me ( crossed wires she said!) which would have left me Nowhere to run. As it was s/w batted it straight back ( nicely) and sort of said ''C'mon'' - which did evoke the admission that she had indeed given birth to me BUT didnt want to know. Again, S/W bounced it back appealing to her better nature ( ''we all makes mistakes''..., ) After this she did agree to meet me. met me, told me a load of mumbo jumbo and that was that! Good luck, Jess xx Added by Dorothy Lavallee on 18/08/2006 15:01:12 hi simon I wish you well ,with the social workers help things will work out I am sure, jess always gives good advice, and you will always have the support of all the wonderful people on this site keep us posted bye dorothy canada Added by Ann from Oz on 20/08/2006 00:23:44 Hi all Simon, I found my BMs brother on here first and emailed him. It took me a couple of months to do as I was pondering will I,or wont I.........Otherwise it would have been months longer for information and I couldnt wait that long......luckily he is a wonderful man who was very helpful and told BM of our search(bs and me). So I would say go for it......I am sorry if some of you dont agree.....but my thinking is BM,s of the world must know that one day we might.....just might, turn up and ask'Why'. But Simon remember try not to expect to much from contact and you wont get emotionally strained and drained.......it can be very draining . Answers dont seem to be easy. I hope your experience is better then most. ' Good Luck' Annxx 'WOW',400 messages already,this thread has filled fast. Added by **Mel in Oz** on 20/08/2006 11:48:27 Hi Ann, All of us aussies must be tared with the same brush, as I too would have taken your option ( and did ). There is nothing wrong with social services just not fast enough for me either Ann lol. And one more thing Ann, I wanted to be no. 400 !!!!! Cya Mel Added by Bacardi Slice No Ice on 20/08/2006 12:42:27 hi ann its good to give advice on both aspects of finding birth family and its good that you add your opinion and hopefully simon will make the right decition what ever that might be.we can never predict how things are going to work out and its very hard to make the first contact as many of you have found out.i know i will never be in that pasiton as i already know my birth parents dont want contact hugs ang xxxx

Added by Simon Bird on 13/08/2006 22:53:18 I am so glad I found you all. The advice has been extremely helpful and thought provoking. I am still 50:50 as to whether I should go through Social Services, who have to their credit surpassed what limited expectations I had of them, or do I go alone and make direct contact via GR, as carefully as I can ? In answer to Jess - I have my BM's address and know who she lives with. I have done her tree going back a couple of generations. What is strange is that she is listed with her name, place of birth and year of birth on Genes Reunited with a tree in her first name BUT none of her relatives are listed as being on a tree. I deduce from this that she has a tree just with her details on it. Mary - good luck. Strange we should both post almost simultaneously. My advice would be to do as much research as you can before making a decision. Try to do a tree - when you get nearer the current time line have a look at www.electoralrolluk as this was where I really hit the jackpot - name, address, phone number, others living at same address. Wow. Had never imagined I would get so far when I started. One question - where are all the blokes who were adopted ? I think out of all the advise received here and from my posting on the 'successes' message board there has only been one from a male ! Added by Bacardi Slice No Ice on 13/08/2006 23:00:51 hi simon when i contacted my birth siblings i wrote to the addresses i had asking for info on them and put my email address and mobile fone number.i think if you have her address i would write her a letter as this puts the ball in her court as if she wants contact.i think to contact your b/m through this site might be to much as a shock for her as if you write a letter she can also get use to the idea of you wanting contact,hope this helps a little iv also wonderd were all the male adoptees are good luck ang xx Added by **Mel in Oz** on 14/08/2006 06:21:55 Hi Simon, This could be totally wrong to say but I am sure you have already thought of it. But it does seem strange that she has only put her dettails onto a tree and none of the family. I am sure there could be quite a bit read into it ( which I am sure you have already done). Though there could be nothing in it at all. I am sorry to be of no help what so ever, I am probably just writing down your own thoughts. To Mary and Simon, This is just my thoughts and I am sure there may be other views but I think that you will know in your own heart when is the right time to make contact, and when you really do want it nothing will stop you from doing it that day. Cya Mel As for the male adoptees where is the Tinsel Knickered one ??? Added by Donna King on 14/08/2006 10:15:28 Hello to all Yes I have often wondered why there are more females looking for birth families than the males. Good luck to all Donna Added by ۞Darksecretz۞ . on 14/08/2006 20:23:24 nudging for someonewho needs you julie Added by Rebecca Carter on 14/08/2006 22:53:22 Hi Everyone Hope you're all well. Simon, When I first came on here - partly incase any of my birth family searched for my birth name, I just had me in my tree. Someone, who at the time I had no idea who they were had already put my older half birth brother on and myself. I knew about him as he was mentioned a few times in my notes. It was at least 6 months before I put my birth mother on my tree (who I couldnt find for love nor money on the search, although I knew she must have an entry for my brother and I to be on) and it was probably over a year before I put my daughter on my tree. I guess it depends why shes on. IF she using it as an 'Im out here' kind of thing then she may not have her family tree on and just be here as a point of contact. Hugs to everyone Rebecca x Added by Donna King on 16/08/2006 09:35:54 Just nudging the thread up. dded by Jess Bow Bag Bobbin Dog on 16/08/2006 10:35:04 I am not going awol - jsut a new telephone provider- if they mess up the conection ( as they no doubt will!) i shall appear to be missing - I WILL be back Jess Added by Bacardi Slice No Ice on 16/08/2006 11:54:45 thats good to hear jess,that you will be back,take care for now ang xxxx Added by Eileen Bowman on 16/08/2006 23:07:51 nudge - still searching for my full sister, Jennifer Ann ,born 22nd September 1945 in Woking, Surrey, our mother lived in Bisley We were adopted separately Eileen(birth name)

I wonder if anyone else is the same as me! I was adopted (1946) by wonderful adoptive parents and had a very happy childhood. I don't remember a time when I didn't know that I was adopted. I married at 21 and sadly we found we couldn't have children but straight away applied to adopt. We have 3 children, all adopted and now grown up! We always talked about adoption and have said we will give them all the info we were given about them, but wont actively help them search if that is what they want to do. None have said they would like to search. However! I now feel a great need to know where I come from, where my roots are! It's turning 60 this year ! I have no known blood relatives. I have got my original birth cert and have found my birth mothers (99% certain it's hers). This weekend I have discovered this site and found her name on a family tree and am wondering what to do next? Any advice? Mary. Added by Jess Bow Bag Bobbin Dog on 13/08/2006 17:26:02 Simon & mary - can you do a bit of hunting around her circumstances before you contact her ? I managed to find out the my B?M lived alone and was widowed.(Knew she'd re-married after my birth) I knew pretty well that she was alone in the house, and no-one else could have intercepted the letter. You say she is on here - is it her that has entered herself?, or someone that has simply included her in their tree, in which case it could be anyone you are contacting. be careful, keep things vague perhaps initially 'looking for a mrs thinggy Wotsit that lived in Flumphamsted in 1945'' establish who it is you are actually messaging and try and gauge how much they might know? her mothers cousins great uncle Ernie wouldnt have a clue, however a subsequent son or daughter might (do you see what i am getting at? Any chance you can track down a snail mail address? (its not hard, if its a reasonably unsual name!) Jess Added by Donna King on 13/08/2006 18:12:21 Hi Simon and Mary An assigned counsellor (SP?) is a huge help. Adoptees prior to 1975 looking for their records are supposed to have one. I initially rang Norcap for advice, it is well worth it. You do need to tread carefully, you only get the one chance. I found a half sister through a site like this by chance, she was looking for someone with the same name, and l contacted her, we soon realised we were half sisters. Fortunately I was not too much of a shock for her, and she put me in touch with my birth father who luckily was ok about everything. I consider myself lucky it went okay, and having found my birth mother through the right channels, I would say it is easier as you have someone to talk things through with beforehand. Good luck to you both. Donna Added by Too blooming hot . on 13/08/2006 19:39:57 Hi all Just a note to say be very aware of the emotional upheaval in your lives when you do contact a birth relative. You may think you won't be affected that much - but believe me you are. If you can have an other half or great friend to confide in and talk it over - mind you Jess and the others here are pretty good too. Regarding the birth parent on here - have a look and see whether she is the member (look it up and see who the person to contact is) - otherwise I agree with Jess's message content - make it really vague for the other person but with enough for bm to realise its you. Good Luck Added by Bacardi Slice No Ice on 13/08/2006 21:03:07 hi all some very good advice as always for simon and mary i cantacted my birth aunties through this site and we are still intouch most days after a year and a half. i know its not the same as contacting such a close relative as b/m or b/d and i would tread carefully,i also agree with the emotional comments that was posted,i dont think any one can prepare you for that and i still strggle to cope with my emotions after 3yrs of contact with my birth siblings good luck to you both and we are always here if you need us and as always that applies to all my friends on this thread hugs ang xx

Added by Bacardi Slice No Ice on 12/08/2006 10:49:14 hi elieen im sure you will get round to writting that letter when you have time,its sounds as though you are very busy at the mo dont forget to take a break and have a cuppa and a choci bickie hugs ang xxx Added by Eileen Bowman on 12/08/2006 22:46:10 Hi Bacardi - been trying to keep off the choccie biks. but did give in to temptation today as spent nearly all day hoovering up plaster dust, and damp dusting the whole house. Just finished secretly eating bikkis when oldest daughter brought me a bacon sarnie, so I had to eat it too. Had eaten about half, and it was very good, when had to answer 'phone, came back and found the cat had licked all the butter out of sarnie, and was starting on bacon. Guess it was some sort of higher being watching over my hip-line. On a more serious note, did anyone catch the radio prog. this a.m. about how we view our parents. There was a man on it who had been adopted and his views and reasons for his search, and how he felt about what he had found, were very interesting. Eileen Added by Dorothy Lavallee on 13/08/2006 00:27:34 hi eileen just read your latest messages on line you are one busy lady hope all the home improvements go well, had a laugh about your grandson he has you wrapped around his little finger, favourite food going to bed late, but then I just had the youngest grandson on a sleep over, two movies in two days, hit every junk food place, bought two pairs of sneakers ( trainers) one for outside and one for inside school (school rules) two pairs of shorts on sale well you just can't buy one pair, a watch for school digital please grandma what can I say I had a great time, the older two are coming home from camp to-day, we shall be going shopping for back to school stuff , being a grandma is just great, a note to all moms yes I spoil them a bit but not all the time. bye dorothy Added by Jd Done on 13/08/2006 08:47:39 Nudged for Simon Added by Simon Bird on 13/08/2006 10:39:59 I am an adoptee and had already discovered a lot of details about my birth mother from various resources. I had never thought to search her name on Genes Reunited but when I did, there she was. The big questions facing me now - should I send her a message ? How should I word it ? I recently posted a thread on the 'Success' board and have already had some helpful replies. A number of respondees pointed me towards this thread. Apologies if it has been covered before but : What I would really like to know from other adoptees who found their birth parents details on Genes Reunited is how you went about the initial contact ? Would you do it any different if you had a second chance ? It is over 50 years since my adoption so it could be a bit of a shock to suddenly get a message from your child. I will only get one chance at this so any advice would be welcomed. Added by Nicola Wood on 13/08/2006 12:09:59 hi new adoptee here ( nicky ) could some one tell me as have no clue what dose ss mean ,i think it counseling that i have been told i need but ,but what u meant 2 say to them and no i dont have chip any more but i will say i did and if any one said no the ur indenial ,but would like to no where or who to talk 2 because i do detatch from my own family even my own children witch is noy fair as ona of 11 and one of 6 and all thay want is me but i find it hard some days and dont no thay are and have never been the prob , am i the only one who dose that ? and puts barrers up when fells a thrett or freind s or family say or do somethink we dont like ?or is that just me . thanks must go redecurating the hall what fun, thanks nicky or as freinds call me (nicknocks ) Added by **Mel in Oz** on 13/08/2006 13:07:59 Hi Simon You do need to tread carefully as you may be sending a message to someone who knows nothing about you. Hard I know. I sent my message to ???? ( turned out to be my birth Cousin ) who had my BM name in her tree and lucky for me, did know about me. I sent the message asking if Birth Mother was in the area of ***** in the year if ???? and had made friends with a young girl called ( my birth name ) to someone who did not know about me it would have meant nothing and maybe the person would have asked birth mother about it. I myself would have done it exactly the same if I had to do it over but what works for some does not work for all. I now have contact with her and my BC. Hope this helps, though I am sure there will be more advice on this subject really soon, probably some better. Let us know how you go with it Simon, as there is always someone here to chat to. Cya Mel

, hiking, canoeing and training his sledge dog team etc. What I'm trying to say is that people are not usually ignoring one as a positive thing, just wrapped up in the here and now etc. and would probably be amazed and sorry if they thought you thought that. love from a laid back Eileen who is writing this, and still not writing to my half-sister. Added by Bacardi Slice No Ice on 10/08/2006 23:37:04 many thanks eileen thats help me decide im going to tex her tomorrow it a bit late now.i sometimes think im a bit irrational and forget that people have busy lives write that letter now,and make that some one special feel great bacardi xxxx Added by Eileen Bowman on 10/08/2006 23:41:53 Wading through knee deep, or even thigh deep guilt, will go off-line shortly and do a letter on the word-processor thingy bit of the computor. Eileen Added by Bacardi Slice No Ice on 11/08/2006 10:44:47 hi elieen hope you got that letter written ang xx Added by **Mel in Oz** on 11/08/2006 12:29:28 Hi Barcari, Sorry to intrude, but I always love to read all your posts and do not always write if my life is quite ( good but quite). But I hope you have also done your text, I also try and hold out on replying to BM soet of a how do you like it senerio. But where does it get you in the end - no where. Hope everyone is happy and most of all heathy Cya Mel Added by Bacardi Slice No Ice on 11/08/2006 12:35:44 hi mel i agree totally with you,im not going to sink to there level im just to nice to ingore my family,going to tex her in a bit bacardi xx Added by Bacardi Slice No Ice on 11/08/2006 13:53:37 hi all just texed my sis in law said id fone her soon for a chat and texed me brother just have to wait see if i hear back probly be another year or 2 before i get a response bacardi x Added by Eileen Bowman on 11/08/2006 22:35:50 Oh gosh Bacardi and friends - here I am at 10.30 p.m. and no letter written today either. What happened to good intentions? Last night was quite late and better half wanted to turn in as the builders would be here early today - they were - some time spent this a.m. seeing to hens, working out stuff with builders, measuring up things and arguing with better half about measuring in metric or inches. Decisions and measurements done, off to B & Q for a bicker - No actually we did not bicker this time, unlike quite a lot of couples you see in there. Anyway lots of stuff to buy - tiles, border, grout, lights, paint etc. Then in to Hereford to get other stuff that b & Q don't sell, like his special baccy, and a bathroom heater from Argos. An hours drive home, then find that everyone else who can drive is out at work, and have to drive daughter to pub for evening shift, back home and listen to Archers, unload car - tiles are heavy and best beloved not supposed to lift stuff since his second hernia in same place - gather up grandson, who lives with us, and off to chippy in Llan'dod, hope he does not tell his mother!! Back with f&c - eat, letting grandson have chips with organic tom.ketchup. Put grandson to bed, at least an hour after he should have been, read stories - 6 - go out to shut up hens and collect eggs, five today well done girls. On to computor, and here we are again. Tomorrow we start painting new room, also oldest son and wife are due for visit tomorrow for several nights. They should have been sleeping in new room, but its not quite ready so will have to put dining room furniture in corner of sitting room and put futon in dining room. they can use the loo in the new room en suite, but not the shower etc as electrician not here til next week and tiling will not be done as sin-in-law putting down laminate, he has done the bathroom already bless him, he's out driving ambulance on night shift now, so won't be up early tomorrow. If only half sister was on e-mail, communication would be simple. By the way, look at the new certificate exchange site www(,)certificate(-)exchange(.)co(.)uk remove brackets. Eileen Added by Jess Bow Bag Bobbin Dog on 11/08/2006 22:39:19 Blimey Eileen- mind you dont go into self destruct! Added by Eileen Bowman on 11/08/2006 23:01:04 zoom! fizz! bang! just did, Jess - just realised that have to stay up until 1 or 2 a.m. as daughter will finish late at pub it being a Friday, also that no.2 daughter and boyfriend are due back from doing a gig to do with the Eisteddford, at around 1, and will need bacon sarnies and tea in quantities, at least boyfriend will as he will have been singing and playing guitar, daughter is veggie, so will thaw out some Linda Mac bangers for her. Fizz - bang- whosh - in orbit now Eileen

To everyone - There is another thing that I have been feeling uncomfortable about and that is people not using their own names on this site. I naturally don't want to UPSET anyone but I think it would be nice if we all did this and that we are quite open to who we are. We all try and help each other so I think we don't need to use anything other than our name. Added by Donna King on 10/08/2006 09:37:31 Hello everyone Yes I think you are right Margaret some people should not adopt, they have to much emotional baggage. I often feel my adoptive mother loved having the baby/child but floundered by the time I reached 15! She says she loves me, but on the other hand she expects me to live to her measures of how she thinks I should be. Sadly my eldest son has fallen foul of this with them at the moment, poor lad he has dared to go and live with his girlfriend and they now go on and on about how disloyal he his. Am I an odd mum? As I feel I have done a good job if he feels confident at 18 to leave home (he comes back to visit lots, even still babysits his little sisters). Yes I wish he was a little older, but it is his life. Maybe I am being over sensitive as my own emotions are in a turmoil with both by adoptive parents and birth mum at the moment. Donna Added by Margaret Rider on 10/08/2006 11:14:05 Hello everyone Firstly I do hope that I haven't hurt anyone and I would never want to do that about my wording in my last message at the bottom but I honestly would feel more at home knowing a person's own name if they could just sign the bottom i.e. like Jess does. This is such a sensitive site I really think it's important to feel more at ease. -------- Donna you have been having a rough time. My mother has somehow taken a dislike to my son who left home a number of years ago, why I have no idea other than that he is a male and that he just hasn't the time to drive 100 miles each way to see her regularly. She has always had a Victorian attitude to life which has been very difficult at times. Try and not to think too much about it if you can, you know where your son is and that he visits frequently. He isn't being disloyal your son is just trying to live his own life now. Yes we have views on how we want our children to live but what matters is that we are around to support them. I have an 18 yr old grandson but if he wished to live with his girlfriend I would go along and support him even if I wasn't quite happy about it and I wouldn't say he was disloyal but would have wished that he was a little older and enjoyed his freedom before settling down with anyone. Margaret Added by Donna King on 10/08/2006 13:20:24 Message for Margaret, thanks for what you said, has made me feel better about myself as a mum. Hugs to you. Donna Added by Margaret Rider on 10/08/2006 17:02:43 Glad I could help you a little Donna. Keep your chin up. Margaret Added by Pain In The.... on 10/08/2006 19:09:07 Hi Everyone I dont know if you have seen my thread, title 'new adoption contact site'. I have managed to set one up. Please take a look and let me know what you think. Jayne Added by Eileen Bowman on 10/08/2006 21:53:15 Don't know where to look Jayne, what is the name of the new site Eileen Added by Pain In The.... on 10/08/2006 22:25:07 Hi Eileen I have nudged my thread up. Jayne Added by Bacardi Slice No Ice on 10/08/2006 22:47:25 a little advice please on comunication again my sister in law texed me tonight,a very nice tex said she would love to hear from me,i stopped texing her cus she never replyed to my texes,the last tex i had must of been 2yrs ago.i oftern tex my brother but i know he never has credit and she does,its like she wont let him use her fone to tex me back.the thing is i dont know were i stand with them,and that its them that control the contact between us.im fed up of if they tex i reply straight away and thats how its been for 3yrs shall i tex her back or let her stew a bit or not bother as always i value your comments ang x Added by Eileen Bowman on 10/08/2006 23:31:36 Bacardi - just text her back in a friendly chatty way, its no good trying 'payback' tactics really. Many people have very little notion of how fast time goes, and how long it is since they wrote, or rang etc. It occurs to me quite guiltily every so often, that I haven't written to my half-sister in Canada. I think about her often, but its when I'm cooking, or driving, or minding grandson, or gardening, etc, and of course by the time that activity is over, another one has taken its place. I don't have 'textability' and she does not 'do' computors. A half bro. is the same with regard to technology. The half-bro that I have long msn chats with has not popped up on my screen for about two months, but I haven't on his either. I have been busy moving house and with immediate family comings and goings, and he will be making the most of the long summer hours, hiking, canoeing and training his sledge dog team etc. What I'm trying to say is that people are not usually ignoring one as a positive thing, just wrapped up in the here and now etc. and would probably be amazed and sorry if they thought you thought that. love from a laid back Eileen who is writing this, and still not writing to my half-sister. Added by Bacardi Slice No Ice on 10/08/2006 23:37:04 many thanks eileen thats help me decide im going to tex her tomorrow it a bit late now.i sometimes think im a bit irrational and forget that people have busy lives write that letter now,and make that some one special feel great bacardi xxxx

Bear with me whilst i come to terms with what all this nastiness has made e feel, and if anyone has any experience of how to cope, pleae let me know. I'm around, looking in occasionally and will check in everyday for messages. Will be back with you soon - just one more issue to get my head round i suppose! Lots of love Jess xx Added by Eileen Bowman on 08/08/2006 22:06:58 To those who have targetted Jess I have no idea what you said as I was not on the other night, but please note that Jess and many others give a lot of time and thought to helping people, perhaps you would be better employed doing the same - so before you start on her again read and think about the following:- Adoption - not an issue in the accepted sense of the word for any of us adoptees - ADOPTED - obviously some sort of an ISSUE, for some readers - DISCRIMINATION - bad for all of us whether we are black, white, yellow, all shades of brown, adopted, red-haired, disabled, of any sort of religious belief. For God's sake - whichever God you believe in - we all have to live on this planet in some sort of harmony, from the smallest compromise to things that involve nations. If we do not learn to live in harmony with eachother we cannot have the sort of peaceful pleasant lives most of us want for ourselves and for our children. Bullies do not, in the end, prosper. An old fashioned saying is 'what goes around, comes around' Even older were two characters in literature, Mrs. Do-as-you-would-be done -by, and Mrs Be-done-by-as-you-did 'Think on.'.........as they say in the North Added by Bacardi Slice No Ice on 08/08/2006 23:02:25 hi all i dont understand why people make adoption as issue to most of us adoptees its one of those paths that we had no choice in and most of us had wonderfull adoptive parents.its things that happen in our own lives that makes us want to search for our birth familys,usually having our own children leads us on our search we are all glad you are still with us jess and you have a lot of support from us hugs bacardi xx Added by Eileen Bowman on 08/08/2006 23:40:31 Well said Bacardi - and in a lot less words than it took me - as I said, I missed the postings that led to the latest hassle. I have to say that I find it difficult to imagine what anyone can say by way of comment on part of someone's life that was totally beyond their control. (((hugs))) to all adoptees whatever they are doing Eileen Added by Dorothy Lavallee on 09/08/2006 01:33:18 hi everyone I am known to my friends as a quiet kind of person well I have just put my thoughts on the treatment of jess on the general board and hope that whoever is doing this kind of things stops, boy my blood is boiling I cannot tolerate bullies glad to hear the postive respones from you all goodnight dorothy Added by Donna King on 09/08/2006 10:43:38 Cannot understand why some people have such an issue with adoption. After all no child asks to be born. As for people on this site that have to be so nasty, there is another saying which is IF YOU CANNOT FIND ANYTHING NICE TO SAY JUST DONT SAY ANYTHING. Feel better now after saying that. Hope Jess is soon back with us all. Hugs to all fellow adoptees. Donna Added by Bacardi Slice No Ice on 09/08/2006 12:01:19 hi all as you can see jess we can not stand nastyness and bullying and we are with you till the end,i think you are all so lovely on this thread hugs to all my friends bacardi xx Added by Margaret Rider on 09/08/2006 21:06:29 Hi everyone A message for Donna - So sorry to hear about your mixed emotions regarding your adopted mother. I have never been 'good enough' for my own adopted Mum who is now in her 99th year and it's still going on to this day which saddens me greatly. She lost her own child before adopting me and I was told at quite an early age I was a replacement but I somehow didn't come up to what she really wanted and that was a 'companion' for life! I have been haunted over all these years by things she has said about me being adopted but then says how much she loves me. Perhaps some people shouldn't adopt? My adopted father was so lovely but unfortunately died the night before my 16th birthday so I didn't have him for long. I can relate to how you are feeling and words do haunt you whether you want them to or not. Margaret.

Added by Bacardi Slice No Ice on 07/08/2006 21:38:47 hi all iv not seen what been happening to jess,but have seen threads before targating her,hope you ok jess bacardi xx Added by Rebecca Carter on 07/08/2006 23:38:49 Hello all hope everyones ok Donna... I know what you mean. My relationship with my adoptive father is strained/poor to none existent at the moment. Sadly my adoptive Mum died just over a month after my 16th birthday and when I became pregnant at 19 it was too much for my adoptive father. He still now curses the day when I met my now 7 year old daughters father, made quite a nasty comment (from my point of view at least) when she was about 2 and devouring lots of cucumber (which gives him awful indigestion) that you could tell that she wasnt related to him because of her love of cucumber. He sends her birthday and christmas cards, signed in his first name not grandad so they go on very high shelves where she cant read them as I she strangely enough thinks the sun shines out of his... hur-hurmmm! and I dont want to have to explain to her why he doesnt think of her as his grandchild. He thinks by me getting pregnant (and no doubt following in my BM's footsteps with being so young) I let my A.mum down. I disagree. I was in my 2nd year of uni at the time, had her 2 days after my finals, had a year off when my mates did their year in industry, and went back with them, and my daughter, and finished my degree - sucks boo to you!!! As I've got older I think its more him and his attitude towards my daughter and I that lets my A. Mum down. I am now in contact with my BM and b.siblings and b.family (varies a lot from person to person on the frequency) and my daughter has more grandads than she knows what to do with. If you include my recently deceased B.F who I havent met and my partners parents she has 6 Grandads, one being a great grandad and she loves it! sorry for my long rant! Had to get it off my chest before bed good night sweet dreams! R x Added by Pain In The.... on 08/08/2006 00:15:26 Hi Bacardi, what is m.s.n. site? Hi Eileen. I need someone sat next to me to explain things. I am thinking about going on a course in September (for computers) so I havent given up yet. Jayne Added by Dorothy Lavallee on 08/08/2006 01:03:29 hi I very seldom go on the general board so if some one is up to tricks upsetting jess and in turn all of us they should just grow up and get a life, we on this board excuse me for speaking for all of you need people like jess, I don't know what I would have done without her and others like her on this thread I for one am very grateful for this site long may it go on , goodnight from canada dorothy Added by Bacardi Slice No Ice on 08/08/2006 10:32:42 will p.m you pain with details here here dorothy,this thread is invaluble to people who need help and support through the reconnection of birth familys,i think every ones wonderfull on this thread,its like another little family bacardi xx Added by Donna King on 08/08/2006 11:09:02 Hello everyone. Not seen what has been going on with Jess. I personally think she has done a fantastic job with this thread and is so needed by us all. Rebecca Your reply brought tears to my eyes. Know just how you feel. Here is a hug for you. Donna Added by Rebecca Carter on 08/08/2006 19:56:09 Thanks for the Hug Donna ((( HUG ))) one back for you :o) Rebecca x Added by Jess Bow Bag Bobbin Dog on 08/08/2006 21:40:02 Hi My firends. i popped in tonight just to say hello to you guys- Kinda went off and left you in the lurch - i'm still a member so, if you want me, message me. My adoption has never been an 'isue' with me - i was adopted , and that was all there was to it.Didn't mean had 3 arms or two noses, and unless i chose to tell people, they didnt know- nor did they need to. I came to this site looking for birth siblings ( and birth father originally) and when i very first posted about my BF some replied, rather abruptly, that if i had no idea where my own father was born , then i might as well give up...that was what spawned the very first thread in what has now become 5 threads the title of that thread , the very first one, was a little different to this. it was called ADOPTED AND NOT ASHAMED - I wasnt then , and i am certainly not now. As I said, my adoption has never been an issue UNTIL NOW - when others (members of this site) have chosen do make it so. it isnt something i have ever encountered before, nor really know how to deal with - at the moment i do feel hurt that someone can be so unkind, as to torment me about something that i cannot change ,-You know, if i was fat i could diet, if they called me copperknob i could dye my hair blonde etc etc... I cant change the fact that i was adopted - nor would i want to, i think it has made me what i am in part, and certainly had the best Mum and Dad ever. Bear with me whilst i come to terms with what all this nastiness has made e feel, and if anyone has any experience of how to cope, pleae let me know. I'm around, looking in occasionally and will check in everyday for messages. Will be back with you soon - just one more issue to get my head round i suppose! Lots of love Jess xx

what I have come slowly to understand one may understand the reasons for being given up for adoption but some days it hurts, some days it makes one angry, and other days I for one am so thankfull for the family I belong to and always thought of as mine, as I can trace my family back to the 1600's I am now reseraching as much as possible this new family to see how far back I can go. It is a beautiful sunny but not schorching hot day here in barrie canada and I am reminded that all in all I have been blessed with a good life , I went with my son and daughter in law to pick up the youngest grandchild at summer camp, and when I saw them all to-gether at the lake side the adoption issue faded a little I am just grandma dee to Ian he loves me for me, not for what background I came from. sorry I am going on to long I wish you all better contact if that is what you want, maybe the answer is to keep up your end and enjoy what rplies you do get, sometimes it takes people a long time to relax and enjoy us I guess bye for now dorothy Added by Sinead Graham on 06/08/2006 15:14:02 hi there. my mum was adopted. she told myself and my 2 brothers when we were old enough to understand. she told us that her parents were irish (her mum was only 19 and her parents didn't know) her mum came over to england and gave birth to my mum in a catholic maternity home. it states kendal, westmorland on her adopted birth certificate. sadly my mum passed away at 44 in 2003. ever since then a part of me has always wanted to know about her mum, why she gave mum up for adoption, to tell her that her eldest child had died, to tell her she is a great grandmother, but a part of me is scared at what my reaction would be should that day ever come and what my family would think. mum never wanted to know about her real mum so unsure what to do. any tips Added by Too blooming hot . on 06/08/2006 15:36:49 Another note on communication My b/m lives alone although has a friend who stays a couple of nights a week. She also had a great love for many years who died about 10 years ago and she'd changed her name is his. As far as all her friends and acquaintances are concerned she was married to this person and childless which generated a lot of sympathy and she also inherited quite a bit of money from this person. She naturally anxious that her friends and acquaintances don't find out her true situation. So one of the conditions of having contact with her is that we should not jeopardise her standing with her friends and acuqaintances so any communication or visits have to be carefully stagemanaged so no-one has an inkling of the true situation. I have no problems with that as an adopted child I can't see the point of ruining her life at this late stage for the sake of a brief visit perhaps but I do know it riles some of the others greatly which I can also understand their point of view too. Added by Donna King on 06/08/2006 22:36:07 Hi to all Been reading all the communication thoughts. Have very mixed feelings on it myself. I know my emotions go up and down, so always view that birth familys emotions do to. At the moment I feel down but more due to relationship with adopted mother. About 21years ago we rowed and she told me no daughter of hers would behave the way I do. Every now and then this hurt comes back to haunt. They had had 2 babies that did not survive (very sad) and I was their only adopted child. I am left even after all these years gutted by her words. I have always lived by the thought be so careful of what you say as you may live to regret it one day, if really mad or upset try to chill out before acting. Donna Added by Pain In The.... on 06/08/2006 23:23:50 Hi Eileen No you did not put me off. My brain couldnt take it all in. I looked at setting up some sites but I couldnt afford it. I would have liked to have set up one of those free sites (so that people didnt have to pay to leave a message) but they didnt have enough room. I really wanted a free one (for other people) because I think it is unfair to charge people to leave messages. Im sorry that I cant do it Jayne Added by Bacardi Slice No Ice on 06/08/2006 23:36:47 hi all there are some free sites were you can leave messages and adoptees help and support each other and you can set 1 up yourself and im sure its free.its on the m.s.n site hope i can put that bacardi xx Added by Eileen Bowman on 07/08/2006 18:46:30 to Pain in the ... Jayne Sorry not been on for a couple of days. Sorry that you cannot do the site too. Would not have a clue how to do it myself.Willo try to bother sin-in-law (not married to my daughter) who is good with computers, and see if can get any ideas from him. Main problem is that when I ask him computer stuff, I can't understand the answer lol. Eileen PS - Whats been happening to Jess on General Board again? Why does she get targetted and not the rest of us. I looked back just now, but can't see any of the postings so they must have been deleted. ~Give us names and shame them........... Added by Bacardi Slice No Ice on 07/08/2006 21:38:47 hi all iv not seen what been happening to jess,but have seen threads before targating her,hope you ok jess bacardi xx

Added by Joan Allan on 06/08/2006 02:11:10 Hiya everyone I am a researcher who helps adoptees find their roots. I helped an adoptee about a year ago who was searching. I found his father in Australia within about 20 minutes. They have had a brilliant relationship since then and only last week my adoptee along with his wife, father and his wife called to visit me. All brilliant it seems but birth mother still a bit 'off'. Birth father made contact with birth mother about a month ago and he got a not very nice response. I got a phone call from bmum accusing me of releasing her identifying information (which I did not). It appears bfather has still got friends in the area and had been keeping 'tabs' on her. He wanted to contact her because he was coming to the UK to visit their son. She didn't want to know. My adoptee and his father told me they were visiting the area where bmum was and I rang and asked bmum if she wanted to meet her son. 'No, I am not ready' was the reply. Two days ago (within about 2 weeks of me ringing her) I got a letter from bmum to be forwarded to her son. It looks very positive at the moment and I hope all will turn out well for all involved. Just goes to show that sometimes a 'kick up the backside' might work. I don't normally go along with this but in this case it has proved positive as the letter from bmum has given a contact address so the adoptee can contact her direct now. Good luck and God bless that all will work out favourably for all involved. Added by **Mel in Oz** on 06/08/2006 02:37:36 Hi Jess, No my BM is in the UK. I understand that I probably do sound I a little bit here and there. But once a month or 6 weeks would not be a full on relationship I do not think, a quick email to shoot the breeze so to speak. One that just acknowledges that I am here and she gives me a thought from time to time. And I am not saying that she has to every month without fail ! And I am not saying it has to be a novel either. I believe her emails every 10 or so weeks is not much at all. Four emails a year might as well not send them at all. I speak to my postman more than 4 times a year and I don't have a relationship with him lol . I in real life seem a very composed person, happy go lucky, always laughing and come across that I don't have a care in the world. On here I seem like a sooky person full of problems. No wonder I sound confusing I am to myself.!!!!!!!!! LOL Cya Mel Added by Jess bow bag Bobbin Dog on 06/08/2006 08:31:02 mel, i suppose another slant on this maybe that B/m does want more...ad knows its pointless wanting more as you are on the other side of the world. I think you are lucky to get what you do,and guess many would agree, those of us that were promised a relationship and that she didn't mind us knowing about her, and then in the next breath, ''get out of my life, i wnat nothing more to do with you''. I still send my B/M a christmas card, out of sheer 'something' - i'm not sure 'what' quite!) and recieve zero in return, in fact she may even be dead now - last year i did put 'please return to sender if no longer at this address', although it didn't comeback I assume she is still there - too far for me to go and check! (elec roll says yes) can you be pleased with 'something'? rather than nothing? I'd love a 2 line note, just once a year!! Just so i knew she was still alive and breathing!! By the way, you jave no more problems than the rest of us!- We all have that little something that troubles us deep inside, whatever we present to the rest of the world. Jess x Added by Bacardi Slice No Ice on 06/08/2006 12:59:14 hi jess i too send xmas cards and b,day card to the birth family i found but never get anything in return only from 1 and 2 other birth family members also keep intouch.it is disheartning when you put in all the effort and they not even agnoladge you,as iv said before the first year was full on and i treasure the cards i recieved from then cus it looks like ill never get anymore hugs bacardi xxxx Added by Dorothy Lavallee on 06/08/2006 14:37:12 hi everyone I have ben reading the last few entries re communnication or the lack of, from my point of view I have contact with my new brother fairly frequently by phone he does not use the computor has not mastered it as yet ( a late developer I guess). his daughter e-mails me quite frequently, but as my birth mother is dead I have no idea if she would have wanted any contact with me and if she did how much she would have wanted, from what I gather I was very much a secret, and as I am older (64) I can understand what it may have been like for her in the 40's. I feel very sad for those of you who do have contact then it fades away, perhaps they have developed a life without us and letting us in is difficult for them. I know what a shock it was for me to find out I was adopted so late in life(62) and that all the people with the correct personal information being dead. what I have come slowly to understand one may understand the reasons for being given up for adoption but some days it hurts, some days it makes one angry, and other days I for one am so thankfull for the family I belong to and always thought of as mine, as I can trace my family back to the 1600's I am now reseraching as much as possible this new family to see how far back I can go. It is a beautiful sunny but not schorching hot day here in barrie canada and I am reminded that all in all I have been blessed with a good life , I went with my son and daughter in law to pick up the youngest grandchild at summer camp, and when I saw them all to-gether at the lake side the adoption issue faded a little I am just grandma dee to Ian he loves me for me, not for what background I came from. sorry I am going on to long I wish you all better contact if that is what you want, maybe the answer is to keep up your end and enjoy what rplies you do get, sometimes it takes people a long time to relax and enjoy us I guess bye for now dorothy

Added by Too blooming hot . on 04/08/2006 11:49:09 Hi Mel My own bm finds it extremely difficult to email her children as she says she doesn't know what to say. Suffice it to say communication is very limited and I usually give her a ring occasionally as its easier to talk without saying much about anything. Two of the others communicate from Australia via email but again its not that regular on either side. Added by Bacardi Slice No Ice on 04/08/2006 14:29:56 HI ALL COMMUNICATION SEEMS TO BE A BIG ISSUE WHEN FINAL CONTACT HAS BEEN MADE WITH BIRTH FAMILYS,IV TOO BEEN IN THIS SITUATION.ONE OF MY BIRTH FAMILY WAITED 2YRS BEFORE GETTING INTOUCH AND THEN FONED ME AGAIN A FEW MONTHS LATER,MY OTHER BIRTH FAMILY MEMBER LEAVES IT ABOUT 6MONTHS.I FIND THIS VERY FUSTRATING AS I KEEP INTOUCH WITH THEM AT LEAST ONCE A WEEK,ITS LIKE THEY HAVE THE CONTROL OVER COMMUNICATING,ITS A THING THAT I HAVE HAD TO GET USE TO WITH OUT CHOICE I WAS AN ADOPTEE WHO WAS VERY PROTECTIVE OVER MY FIRST BORN BUT FOUND OUT THIS IS A NATURAL THING FOR ALL FIRST TIME MUMS AND THAT I WAS NORMAL HUGS BACARDI XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX Added by Margaret Rider on 05/08/2006 12:42:10 Hi everyone Reading the last few stories perhaps we want too much out of the contact with our 'lost family'. My own birth mother wasn't good at communication even though we had so many years together. How do we fit into their lives again after being 'sent' away. Most of these birth family members never thought they would hear from us or about us again and then all of a sudden we 'pop up' and want to be part of their family. Perhaps we shouldn't push them too much and just wait for contact from them. We have made the first move so probably we just need to sit back and wait and wait and wait!! It's such a difficult time. I had contact with one of my half sisters a few years back and contact is about two or three times a year. We still haven't met although I have been near to where she lives and seen the area where my birth father grew up. I tried to ring her a few times but there were always excuses so I've just decided to sit back and wait for her to call me. Perhaps the birth family think we will alter their lives and somehow take over - another possibility. They might be happy as they are and not want us around although happy to know that we were OK and had a good life. Perhaps we don't regard what half siblings feel over the matter. They might be eager to start off with and then want the matter to ease off just in case 'we' take a too important part into their parents lives. The birth parents also might feel they are betraying their own children by having this contact so ease off. What do other think? Added by Jess bow bag Bobbin Dog on 05/08/2006 13:15:18 mel an observation, nothing more. quote from what you wrote below ''I didn't want a full on relationship with BM as this would make me feel guilty with my adopted parents, but is once a month to much to ask for.'' I would imagine your BM is quite confused as to what you do want - You dont want a full on relationship but you want to know what is what each and every month...! in a way, what she seems to be doing is 'having her say' by not responding to you. maybe what she wants isn't being considered here. Is B/M in Oz too? Jess xx Added by Bacardi Slice No Ice on 05/08/2006 17:23:27 hi margaret i think you make great sence in what you say,after 3yrs of contact things have eased off considerably but i totally agree with your thoughts bacardi xx

Added by Beverly- Michelle on 31/07/2006 22:48:11 Hi Eileen, I haven't been adopted (I am looking for my adopted Sis) but I do worry about my Nephew, he lost his father when he was three and people have advised that he would be experiencing the same feelings throughout his life that you are experiencing, these things manifests themselves in numerous ways. I think losing my Brother makes me also wonder more and more about how my adopted sis is. Bev Added by Eileen Bowman on 31/07/2006 23:06:59 Hi Bev-M Yes, I would think a lot of the 'wobbles' would be similar, although being a boy he may have made himself hide them. I hope he was able to stay in the same house and with people and things that he knew at least for a while. I think it would be important for a child that age, not to be suddenly moved from familiar surroundings. People often suggest moving away to help a child (or adult)to forget. Forgetting is not actually very good for us we are now told by therapists - not been there myself, but know those who have - letting ourselves go through the period of pain, or mourning is thought to be more helpful. Adoptees cannot mourn, they are supposed to be the source of happiness for their new parents. Quite tricky, that idea. Eileen Added by Eileen Bowman on 01/08/2006 22:40:35 Margaret, its absolutely heartbreaking and disgraceful just thinking of it. How could people do this to children. My half bro. was adopted twice, at four and at six. He is still marked by it all. Who can we hold responsible for these decisions. My sister and I should not have been put up for adoption at all, our father wanted us and was easily traceable, and his wife had been ready to accept us. I have a letter from her telling me. Amazing woman. I saw your earlier posting re your sister, my search might end the same way. Its been so long, and nothing, not one clue. ((hugs)) Eileen Added by Pain In The.... on 02/08/2006 00:00:08 Hi Everybody For the last couple of weeks I have been looking to try and set a free website up for adoptions. I havent been successful. The reason being, I cant get my head round it all. If anyone else is interested in giving it a go try beep or bluevoda. I wish I had the brains to do it. Sorry, Jayne Added by Margaret Rider on 02/08/2006 17:45:50 Thanks Eileen. I must say I did wonder if your sister might have already died as I can't see any trace of her - still keep searching though for you. Best wishesx Added by Eileen Bowman on 02/08/2006 18:10:16 Jayne - was it you before? Someone a few weeks ago was looking into doing a cross-referencing tracing site and I got quite excited and sent her a long posting about what I would like to see included. If it was you, I hope I did not put you off. If it wasn't you, I would like to know how you were going to set up the cross-referencing. Bear in mind I am aged 62 silverish surfer (lol) and can't cope with computor speak. Can do good written English though. We older adoptees desperately need a site that is year sortable. i.e. a specific section for war babies. You will have seen my postings ad nauseum re my full sister. Both of us were war babies (any date up to 9ish months after V day). Did not see your posting last night as was not on line. Don't give up. Eileen Added by **Mel in Oz** on 04/08/2006 02:22:44 Hi Everyone, Well I would like a bit of advice actually today and I know that you all could spare some LOL I am sick of waiting 8 to 12 weeks for emails from BM, I check the computer everyday looking for one from her ( never thought I would be like that ) and now I am over it. I have written an email to her ( not sent yet) it's still saved on the computer, pretty much asking her that if she can't spare me the time once a month to send me an email I would like to cut ties altogether. Maybe I would give her an easy opening not to send anymore as maybe she does not want to, but does not know how to say it. At least I would not be checking them. Maybe she feels that she does not need to as my 1/2 BS and I email each other 3 to 4 times a week and she tells her everything. But that is not the same is it ? I didn't want a full on relationship with BM as this would make me feel guilty with my adopted parents, but is once a month to much to ask for. One more thing, do you adoptees with children find that you are extremely over protective of them or is it just who you are and nothing to do with being adopted. Cya Mel

Added by Bacardi Slice No Ice on 29/07/2006 22:30:28 wishing you well helen for your up and coming op dont forget the disinfectant wipes very handy when going into hospital bacardi xxxx Added by Helen Hughes on 29/07/2006 22:38:59 Bacardi la la la I'm not listening. Had to sit through big lecture on mrsa from surgeon and then he made me listen to details of what operation would entail, very gruesome, got all B&Q ish, mentioned drilling and things yuck! So, the hospital phobia - which wasnt doing very well anyway went skyrocketting! Must admit I am dreading the thought. When I went in to have youngest daughter I was a total nightmare., All I kept saying was 'Can I go home now?'. Midwife suggested I waited till I had had baby - I was not entirely convinced. Then OH shouted at me cos I wouldnt get on the bed because the sheet was dirty. I suggested he should lie on it if he thought it that important. I was so bad I had to go round and apologise to everybody when they finally let me come home. Oh and the bathroom, I am still having nightmares about that bathroom. I have 3 kids and even they cant make a room look like that. you must have to try really hard to get things that dirty. Thanks for the good wishes though, as you can see I am handling the whole thing beautifully, really taking it in my stride! Hospital phobia is normally a really good phobia to have - not normally a problem - it's just not that great at the moment. Thanks again - you can all virtually-sign my pot if you'd like! Helenx x x Added by Jess bow bag Bobbin Dog on 29/07/2006 22:54:04 I'll give you la la la la la... I saw your reply, and popped to the loo whilst i thought up a sensible reply - dipped dressing gown belt down the loo and wee'd on it- AND IT ALL YOUR FAULT!! I'll sign your pot - and we'll re name you hop-along. I was really quite poorly in hospital, following an ectopic pregnancy , when my now Ex brought in a letter from my birth mother, announcing she'd decided to sever contact - wonderful timing , eh? Jess Added by Helen Hughes on 30/07/2006 00:01:36 I dont see how your dressing gown disaster was entirely my fault! I will admit i may have had a small part to play, that my last reply perhaps didnt start in the most mature way possible.... but to be fair the whole thing with phobia's is that they arent rational! As to toilets - I wouldnt go to the one in hospital until they said they wouldnt let me go home unless I did! Besides you are supposed to be all supportive and kind and everything - not all 'It's your fault'. lots of love Hop-a-long! Added by Helen Hughes on 30/07/2006 00:03:28 Sorry about your experience though Jess. Timing is everything isnt it? Talk about being kicked when you are down! You are so strong on here though - so quick to reassure everyone else - it's a real credit to you. Helenx x x Added by Lorraine Winks on 30/07/2006 13:51:47 nudge for susan Added by Bacardi Slice No Ice on 30/07/2006 17:49:51 la la la helen and jess nice to see a bit of humour on here love bacardi xxxxx Added by Eileen Bowman on 31/07/2006 22:43:06 Time for a nudge to get us back to the top - hope all goes well with 'ops' etc. Have total 'phobias about being not in control of my own destiny i.e. if aneasthetised (think thats spelt wrongly), or if shut in plane, etc. I know plenty of normal people have claustrophobia, but does the 'out of control' bit ring any bells with adoptees, especially those who were adopted a bit later. For example I was two. As my own children came up to two, and also my grandchildren, I found myself very distressed to think that at that age Mummy and Daddy suddenly disappeared and I never saw them again. Just think how a two-year old often reacts when Mum goes out of the room, or out of the house without the child. At two you don't understand 'back in a minute'. I know people lose their parents in any number of sad ways, I don't want to offend people who have been bereaved etc. But I do think that at least for me, being taken from my parents, (and also my grandfather whom I have since found out looked after me a lot and was very upset when I was sent away)caused the lack of security and clinging on to things that has plagued my life and made moving house very difficult. From being in quite a large family, I have three older halves, and mother had just had my baby full sister, I was briefly in a childrens' home and then brought up as an only child. invetorate hoarder Eileen

Added by Helen Hughes on 28/07/2006 22:26:24 Oh - how wierd I looked on the thread and there was only Bacardi's answer - finished putting my reply on and there are now replies from Jess and Margaret. Thank you all so much - it is difficult isnt it - the wanting and not wanting in equal measures. As for the ride Jess - I think I may need a parachute and prescription medication never mind a change of pants. Its good to know from you all that it is at least survivable - even if it isnt easy. Glad to see responses - thought you'd all abandoned me for a minute there! Thanks again, love Helenx x x Added by Margaret Rider on 29/07/2006 13:35:27 Hi Helen I have probably already said this somewhere on this site but if you are lucky enough to have contact with your birth mother/family please do take it very carefully. Try your best not to ask too many questions at the start and I know the one thing that usually turns things upside down is the mention of the 'father'. I know quite a lot of people who have had contact but when they mentioned the 'father' at the beginning things turned sour on them. Have you also thought what a reunion might have on your own family (if you have any). This is something that we don't often take into consideration when we do our searching. It can cause many problems or divided loyalties. My own family now have children of their own but I know they are not completely happy with me bringing 'new members' into the family, one after another. Although this has been going on for over 20yrs it's been both happy and very bad times. I just wasn't prepared for what might happen especially when the birth parent dies and you are left with any half siblings, the situation can get very rough indeed. It was so in my case. I do so hope it turns out well for you. Margaret Added by Helen Hughes on 29/07/2006 14:53:12 Hi Margaret, I have thought long and hard about the impact of my search on my family - I am very close to my mum and dad and know that this has as much of an impact on them as me. I have felt so torn about all this - guilt about hurting my family stopped me searching for years. As my girls have been born the need to know something about my background has increased. I am going into hospital on monday for an operation and have just spent another 15 minutes saying 'I don't know' as I was asked if there was a history of this, that and the other in the family - I look at my girls and think - what about breast cancer etc. I know its unlikely - but not knowing leaves you wondering doesnt it. I really value your advise and support - I not only dont have all the answers - at the moment I am not even sure I know what the questions are. I think your advice about keeping questions to a minimum and avoiding things that are likely to cause upset is extremely useful. I think resorting to questions is what we do when we dont know what to say - it gets a response from the other person, but I suppose it must be really easy for this to slip into a sort of inquisition with all the questions you have had bottled up over the years all coming pouring out at once. I dont know what, if anything, I am expecting from all this. i am telling myself not to build my hopes up, trying to tell myself to take it steady, step back and to expect the worst so I cant be disappointed. Now, all I have to do is find some way to make myself do what I'm told! Thanks once again - it really does help to be able to hear from people who have been there/done that! Helenx x Added by Bacardi Slice No Ice on 29/07/2006 20:19:02 bumped up bacardi x Added by Jess bow bag Bobbin Dog on 29/07/2006 20:32:01 Helen you WILL be okay - We are here for you - hypothetically holding your hand ....( and will you please wash them before coming on here next time , they are horribly sticky!) Jess xx Added by Helen Hughes on 29/07/2006 20:40:02 Hi Jess, Bacardi, Margaret & All thanks once again - except for comment about sticky hands! Very cruel to mock the afflicted you know! I have been forced to spend the day cleaning in order to render house safe for my return after op. So, I am currently feeling pathetically sorry for myself and need to get a grip. Have decided husband will have to be in charge of obsessively waiting for messages whilst I am in hospital - it will keep him out of mischief and stop him messing up my (nearly) tidy house. I will let you all know if anything happens. I am trying to keep expectations and hopes low - and to just expect the worst. Hope that works! Weather man says it will be pleasantly cool tonight - a few hours sleep would probably work wonders for me too. Take care all of you, and thanks for continued support and shared experiences, Helenx x x

Added by Helen Hughes on 28/07/2006 09:35:37 Dorothy It sounds like a fantastic time was had by all! Congratulations I am really pleased for you.As it sounded so great, I was just wondering, can I be your niece too? Helenxxx Added by Bacardi Slice No Ice on 28/07/2006 16:03:20 im so pleased for you dorothy its lovely when things work out best wishes bacardi xxxx Added by Margaret Rider on 28/07/2006 18:35:10 I'm glad it went well for you Dorothy. It's lovely to hear some good news. Added by Helen Hughes on 28/07/2006 21:21:52 In need of some patience just now - any one got any spare? Tracing has been going frighteningly fast - now coming to initial contact. Passed address to After Adoption who promised to write. I know they will - but it feels like it is taking forever! The stupid thing is, as soon as I receive my copy of their letter I'm going to be in a state of blind panic again. Cant win can you - if its happening it seems to be too fast - and then it lurches to a stop (or, to be fair, a brief halt) and I feel sooooo frustrated - as though my whole life is on hold. Talk me down people - before I do something terminally stupid, please Helenx x x Added by Margaret Rider on 28/07/2006 21:42:22 Hello Helen It's a very odd time when you are waiting to hear news,you just can't get it out of your mind, hour after hour after hour. It seems like its taking over your life. I don't know how fast your department is going to work but usually you have to wait for a time and this really is the hard part. Then will you get a response straight away?? You have instigated this search and when you do this you just don't know what is going to happen. I do so hope you get the answers that you are so desperately searching for Helen but just pull back a little of yourself, don't give it your all just yet. Thinking of you. Margaret Added by Jess bow bag Bobbin Dog on 28/07/2006 21:49:25 Hi Helen, Fasten you seat belt and hold on tight~ the Roller coaster ride is about to begin. We'll go up first, slowly and a bit jerkily...and then WHOOOOOOSH doen the hill again . Up and down a few more times before you get to the end though. When you do get to the end, you'll probably need clean pants ~ and yet, Hey!, you wanted to get on in the first place!! daft, isnt it, the way we get all worked up about something we want to do, and a soon as we have started it, panic sets in. You'll be fine. You yearn for the day that the stuff will come...and when it does....you'll wonder why you coudn't wait. It s wierd- dont worry, we have all been there jess Added by Bacardi Slice No Ice on 28/07/2006 21:51:00 hi helen think of you at this difficult time,iv never been in this situation and cant imagine what your going through but my thoughts are with you has anybody made contact with sibblings who remained with birth parents and how has it turned out for you,would love to hear your stories.iv found it quite difficult but we are getting there slowly bacardi xxxx Added by Helen Hughes on 28/07/2006 22:22:03 Bacardi Thank you - my feelings are so conflicted at the moment. I want things to move forwards but I am really scared at the same time. I have so much anxiety about the contact - what if its refused - how will I feel then? What on earth can I say if it isnt refused? Can hardly start with 'Hi Mum' can you! I do want medical information - so that is one place to start - but I dont want to sound cold either. I also fear that the mistakes I have made along the way will hurt - others and myself - and I worry that what I have started will cause distress to others. At the same time I could scream because all I seem to do at the moment is wait - for the postman, for a phone call, for an email. I need to get a grip, I really do! I dont have any full siblings - but have found out about a significant number of half-siblings. I dont know whether they will be told about me or not - so I am afraid I cant be of any help. Thank you again for the message, this thread is a god-send, I am finding it a great comfort during a very difficult time. Bless you all, Helenx x x x

Added by Margaret Rider on 26/07/2006 18:47:08 I hope I don't offend anyone but I don't like the idea of social workers or the like to be using this site. Of course referring to Joan Allen is another matter a most wonderful person, full of such care and goes out of her way to help. Joan has been a wonderful help in my long search and has given so much support and help when times have got rather rough on the way. Thanks again Joan - be in touch soon. Margaret Added by Lorna Potter on 27/07/2006 11:34:21 Hi all been reading messages while still waiting for my records which hopefully i am gonna get a phone call from SS about tomorrow. What started me on my search was my daughter became pregnant and with my being adopted obviously couldn't share any medical history also her partners mother was adopted so a double whammy Fortunately his mother has had an easier time than me in her search as she was adopted practically inter family so knew most things and has met her BM. I could not have started my search while my mum was alive it would have hurt her too much as I was her little girl and I loved her dearly. My father died when I was 22 and my lovely mum died 10 years ago. If I do decide to find my BM if she still alive I don't know . Could she ever match up to my lovely mum i don't think so. I do know i have a big hole that needs filling by what i don't know perhaps just knowledge tine will tell People that have met their BM can you tell me do they put the last piece in the jigsaw or is the feeling (what feeling) stay the same Added by Margaret Rider on 27/07/2006 12:04:34 Hello Lorna I do hope your search goes well for you. I personally never felt that my birth mother, and I knew about her for over 30yrs before having over 20yrs frequent meetings with her at my home and hers. I never called her 'Mum' as to me she wasn't my mother although she was the person that gave birth to me. I called her 'Nan' like her grandchildren and in this way it didn't upset her grown up family members. There is no way that she would ever take the place of my adoptive mother who loved and looked after me and still does to this day now 99. In all that time she hardly mentioned anything about my past and nothing about my birth father (I later read all about him and have contact with his family) or my full sister also adopted but sent to a different family to me. Both of my birth parents are now deceased and my birth mother is buried only 4 miles away from where I now live but I never had this bond as perhaps I thought we would when I started on my search. She loved my children and grandchildren very much. Of course over the years we got on well together and I resembled her very much but was I close to her.....................I don't think I was really that close as too many years had gone and she didn't ask about my upbringing. It's like I suddenly appeared in the family and was just accepted as one of the family and nothing more said about my past.................a very odd feeling really. You say you have a big hole to fill at the moment. Take care over this in your search, take it slowly and please don't expect too much. When you find out details about your birth mother it's like making the jigsaw complete but it doesn't necessarily give you peace of mind. Best wishes Margaret Added by Jess bow bag Bobbin Dog on 27/07/2006 19:43:05 Jennifer~ If it is to Joan Allen you refer ~ Joan is sound, and does know what she is doing. She has been a help to very many of us, an certainly wouldnt go a millimeter over the line without the adopteees consent, in fact she wouldn't go over it with the adopteees consent! Jess dded by Joan Allan on 28/07/2006 03:25:48 Thank you all my darlings for your good wishes and support. I think of you all often and hope that everthing is 'hunky dory' in your lives. Added by Dorothy Lavallee on 28/07/2006 04:26:44 hello one and all, well the visit with the niece is over i took her and her friend back to toronto this evening, and I have had so much fun over the last two days. one 16yr old and one 17yr old who can shop till they drop and did, I am not sure my feet will recover for days. we had a great diner yesterday followed by a trip to see a movie you me and dupree quite good. to-day I took them to the big mall in barrie and 4hrs later we staggered out. the visit was an easy one as courtney is very easy to get one with. her friend flies home to-morrow and courtney flies on monday, we had some nice talks about my brother she brings him to life for me, as talking on the telephone does not quite cut it, so just wanted to say it was a good visit even if the rest of my family opted out, I hope to be home next year and meet steven face to face goodnight all dorothy

Added by Jess bow bag Bobbin Dog on 25/07/2006 22:48:31 Thats absolutely fine Paul - you do what you want when you want - its YOUR journey - you travel at your own speed (and you dont ever have to tell us, !) Jess Added by Dorothy Lavallee on 26/07/2006 00:22:31 to paul I have never wondered if people on this thread were professional or not I assumed that we all had one thing in common being adopted in one form or other, some of us knew from an early age some like myself found out later in life much later. I have found that the thought given to answers to our questions is wonderful like the old saying it takes one to know one, seems to fit. in my working life I was a nurse and delt with babies being given for adoption so am aware of both sides of the coin. if you stay on this site you will learn many things that may help you in whatever your situation is, and as jess says you don't have to share anything with us just do what works for you regards dorothy canada Added by Ann from Oz on 26/07/2006 01:17:52 Hi all Paul This thread is named adoption/hints and hugs from other adoptee's. I persumed this ment messages from 'adoptee's' not professional help from cousellers or your social workers. Adoptee's who have had experiences in finding their birthfamily and telling other adoptee's their stories. And giving information of sites and services that helped them in their search. Correct me if I am wrong but the Title is clear. Annxx Added by Joan Allan on 26/07/2006 05:00:13 Hello everyone This is Joan Allan who Jess refers to as a non professional researcher. I am not recognised by the Government but can offer help to those seeking their natural families.I have been helping adoptees find their natural family for about 6 years now and have been pretty successful. I have helped a number of searchers on this site for about 4 years now. If you think I can help with your search do please contact me on 01454 615031 (not too early as researching to early hours) or find me on google to get my email addy. Thanks Jess for telling people about me - hope you are well and that all is going OK with your family.. Love Joan (an adoptive mother to a nearly 23 year old son who I reunited with his natural mother 5 years ago). Have tried to put my email addy on here but to no avail. Added by Jess bow bag Bobbin Dog on 26/07/2006 08:09:37 Joan Allens web site is www(.)my folks(.) co(.)uk Added by The Ego Has Landed on 26/07/2006 08:22:10 I would like to add that Joan is a leader in her field with regards tracing capabilities....this is a lady that detectives come to when they are stuck !!....Allied to this, a broad working knowledge as to how the system works and a wealth of experience in dealing with many difficult personal circumstances. Chris Added by Jess bow bag Bobbin Dog on 26/07/2006 08:26:28 Oh and if you want to natter about your adoption, Joan is the woman.....she can natter for Britian - and that why we love you Joan! Joans days must have elastic sides, Joan will talk for as long as you want to! jess Added by Bacardi Slice No Ice on 26/07/2006 11:37:24 hi paul i think adopted people are very deep emotionally and there words of comfort come from the heart and understand other adoptees and what they have been through iv never thought that there were any profesional people on this thread,but its nice to know that some are profesionalls and want to offer help and support bacardi xx

Added by Paul Wright on 25/07/2006 21:44:22 Hi All, The answer is that I work in electronic repair. The reason I posed the question is that I am in a similar but not identical situation to the adoptee's. That the answers given to the questions asked appear to be very well thought out, caring and yes, because others replying have been in identical position (adoptee), to be honest. I just wondered earlier today when I took time to catch up with this thread that since we are all in different occupations whether or not some of the answers were in fact coming not just from adoptee's but those who work in this profession who feel that they too can offer some help, support and guidance. Bye Paul Added by Jess bow bag Bobbin Dog on 25/07/2006 22:21:35 I have, only because of my own experience , been involved in post adoption councilling - or perhaps better described as an exstension of that - meeting with other adoptees and just talking, about their hopes and dream...and what can sometimes be the harsh reality. Local county council post adoption dept matches people to share experiences, The S/workers say they are all very well dishing out facts, but cant 'feel' like we do. So, formally qualified, No.More than a passing interest - yes. Joan Allen who appears from time to time is the one you need if you want a Pro ( although she isnt formally qualified either) I work for the County Council in the social care and health dept, mostly with the elderly, as well as an after school facility jess - still trying to work out what is 'similar' to being adopted! Added by Glen in Tinsel Knickers on 25/07/2006 22:39:34 Hi Paul Perhaps i misunderstood your original post and replied a little strongly,I apologise for that. Certainly in my experience the social worker although sympathetic couldn't really help with the emotional side of things because he had never personallly experienced the situation. The mechanics of how the procedures work,and how to find records came as second nature to him,but as for the rest,well let's say things were better here than through him. Glen Added by Paul Wright on 25/07/2006 22:45:32 Hi Jess, Like the adoptee's each case is very personal so I hope you can bear with me if I say I really do not want to expain my situation at this time. After saying that, it would be fair and honest of me to say that many of the answers given however can apply to my predicament. That all the worries and concerns, rights and wrongs, fairy tale or horror endings can equally apply to me if I decided to approach my birth family. What I was referring to was the quality of the answers given. Perhaps I'm not making a good job of this. The answers are well thought out, point out the positive as well as the negative, are a mixture of responses that I feel, as others have said, give you a good basis for you to make your own decision. Whether to stop or continue, go this way or that way, etc. The first answer given may not be the right answer for your particular case but there are generally many answers given many of which can help. The response on the thread is excellent, the answer are good. So my question was as you have just replied, 'are there professionals feeding in replies or is it just the experience of the adoptee's'. Bye Paul